29 yrs old – my story

Hi All, I started taking Adderall about 3-4 years ago. It was awesome. For the first time in my life I felt productive, focused, and energetic. I ran into some personal issues along the way, though, and eventually the stress became too much because I wouldn’t talk to anyone about it. I bottled everything up, somewhat literally…I kept everything a secret, even the fact that I was taking Adderall. My gf and mother didn’t understand and thought that I just like it for the rush it gave me, not knowing what it had truly done for me in my work and graduate school.

So anyway, about 8 months ago I go into see my doctor asking for more Adderall and she doubles my dose to 20 mg. I had some underlying personal issues I didn’t share with her, fearing that she wouldn’t prescribe it to me. Within 3 months the stress and emotions became so intense, that I began taking more than prescribed, and ended up not sleeping for a few days. Then I suddenly stopped cold turkey and things got weird. I became somewhat delusional. I got in a huge fight with my girlfriend and the next day, I had my brother take me to the hospital because they thought I was having a nervous breakdown. Then I started venting everything, leaving nothing out, explaining everything that had been bothering me. All of the sudden I was being admitted for a week in the hospital, and was told I would never be prescribed Adderall again. About a month after getting out I felt like crap so my doctor told me that Wellbutrin was my next best option. Within the first few days it felt great. I went on a business trip which was very stressful and again I didn’t sleep. When I got home I felt really depressed to the point that I was crying. My girlfriend was smoking weed and I asked if I could have some. Next thing I know, I’m having another episode and am being admitted back into the hospital. The next 5 months were pure hell. I accomplished absolutely nothing. They put me on everything under the sun — lithium, risperidone, and oddly enough wellbutrin – even though it had caused me to have a psychotic episode. I slowly pushed back and got off all the drugs, and even got to the point where my doctor prescribed me methylphenidate 10 mg but the effects I feel nothing of. Literally it does nothing for me — a couple of days I’ve taken more than prescribed, up to 60 mg but still I didn’t get anything done. I’ve requested that I get the tablets instead of the capsule because I think those will work better…I took them in the past for about 6 months and they seemed to work moderately well. I think the capsules just spread the medication over too long of a period to feel anything. Anyway, I’m always tired and am not accomplishing anything. I’m anxious about how I’m going to move forward with my life. She won’t prescribe me Adderall and won’t increase my Ritalin without putting me on mood stabilizers, which won’t do any good. She suggested that I get a second opinion from someone else in her practice, so I have a shred of hope. It’s hard to talk to about this with my family and gf because they just think I’m addicted and they don’t hear me out. What makes it even more annoying is that my gf gets a HUGE Adderall prescription every month. I don’t even know where it goes but I definitely know she isn’t taking all of it. I’m pretty sure she shares it with her friends, and then complains she’s tired when she runs out. And she’s smoking weed every night. But yet I’m the one with a problem.  I had some problems with alcohol in the past, but I’m past that now and haven’t had a single drink in over 6 months. I just want to get back to feeling focused and productive so that I can feel confident about my work and school. Right now I feel helpless and spend most of my days doodling in my journal. I’m about to start travelling again for work so I won’t be able to hide out any more, which is basically what I’ve been doing the last 5 months. Oh, and I should mention. About a year and half ago I was pulled over for DUI and I still don’t have a license, so most of the time I am left alone because my girlfriend is ALWAYS at work. I didn’t share the DUI with my family and the stress of fighting it and keeping it a secret caught up with me. Once the doctors found out I was instantly labeled as someone with a substance abuse history. Any suggestions on how to approach this situation?  Thanks in advance for your insight.