I just thought I was a failure!

[Anonymous]

Hi. Im Adam from the UK, heres my story!

For the past few years (im 30) I have been getting more and more annoyed with myself. Everything I put my hand to I never could quite follow through. Unless something really interested me I only really put half the effort in. Every year Ive said “this year ill do something”, “this year Ill make great changes” but come October Id feel depressed that the year is almost over and I never really did anything I intended. Always something else caught my imagination and Id lose interest.

I thought It was a self-discipline issue!

These last few months have been awful, Ive been constantly ‘zoned out’ when talking to people, Ive made some great goals but just never quite got round to progressing anything. My work is really suffering. I never finish a job before moving to the next one, I always lose things that are actually right under my nose. These are just examples but in general I just kinda thought I was a failure.

A few days ago I heard someone mention Attention Deficit Disorder on a Podcast. No explanation, nothing further on the subject…I just heard those words and I felt like Id been hit in the face. – before this week, I ignorantly thought AD/HD was an excuse for unruly children. I immediately investigated ADD on wikipedia and forwarded a link to my Other half who agreed with everything but dismissed ADD as the cause. I took the virtual test (as well as a few different versions online) and got full marks for the PI type.

I have never been Hyperactive, maybe a little restless at times but the impulsiveness has caused big issues for me throughout my life.

I have an appointment with my GP on monday and Im hoping for a positive diagnosis-official confirmation! This way I have something to work with, I wont be so hard on myself. And I have something tangible to tackle. Im not sure how I feel about medication, at this point I hope I wont need to use any but could anyone explain (or direct me to info) what the different meds actually do?

I have heard alot of sources call ADD andADHD a gift. In what ways could it be a gift?

Thanks for taking time to read my story ive found this site such a help these past two days already!

Adam

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[Anonymous]

Meds… they don’t “fix” you. Think of medication like glasses for nearsightedness. When you and your doctor find the right medication/dosage combo, what you’ll notice is the stuff that drags your attention away from whatever you’re supposed to be attending to, no longer has the same pull.

For me, one benefit that I discovered was that I could have an actual conversation with a friend while our kids played noisily in the other room. The same effect became apparent elsewhere in my life.

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[Adrienne508]

Hi Adam! I thinks it’s pretty common for ADDers to have shared that feeling of being a “failure” — I know I sure do! Like yourself, I have a very difficult time with follow-through and am constantly beating myself up for not taking enough (if any) action on my goals and ideas. It’s very frustrating and a bit depressing at times. You know you have all this potential, but some unexplained thing holds you back – well, it IS explained by being diagnosed with ADD. Still, it’s no fun watching others whiz past you when you know you have as much if not more ability, intelligence, etc.

I take medication (Adderall), which helps “wake up ” my brain, but it’s certainly not a cure-all, nor should it be expected to be. Understanding how your own ADD works is essential to well, making it work for you. There are lots of books out there on the subject!

ADD as a gift – I like to think of it that way, too – can be your creative mind, ability to make connections others don’t see, probably a great sense of humor, and so much more! It’s very much an individual journey as ADD presents uniquely in each person.

Good luck with your GP!! Let us know how it goes!

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[Anonymous]

Hey Adam…. glad to have you aboard. I have lots of family in England….north in Yorkshire. I’ll try answer the gift, but I’m going to fumble it badly, but I’ll try. Remember this is my version of ADD…this is how my brain works and my perceptions…..we are all different with some similarities. My “H” element is not so strong either, it’s there, but not so strong.

First not everybody feels this is a gift, some…maybe many folks struggle and struggle hard with ADD or ADHD for many reasons. Everybody’s issues are varied…. everything from annoying to debilitating, but they try manage from day to day. If you cruise this site you find folks like myself that love the way our brain works, it has been the thing that set us apart in this world and made us very successful at many and varied things. I wouldn’t have it any other way!!! It’s my gift.

So here goes……

I think of the way my brain function or process(s) happens in a random/visualizing way, as opposed to the rest of the world whose brain function is compartmentalized and linear. My brain function allows me to see a very large picture of what ever topic I’m looking at, and see it almost naturally, I also naturally see the relationships and the permutations and combinations within that large vision. I see how it all fits together, if you will. Then there is the attention deficit/ hyper focus element. the deficit is also often accompanied by the ability to hyper focus, but not always. The hyper focus works for me…. I can go from the big picture and auger down into that big picture and understand the small elements with in it, I can focus on minutia, no problem. In my career as a business Planner Policy Analyst it was a god send….but if I was an accountant….not so great. That being said, I can’t sit and do detailed calculations in a ledger for hours on end….I would explode!!! In the end it would also be wrong….hahahahhaha!! Yes, I am challenged in math, chemistry, physics…..those kind of things. I have a lot of difficulty following the steps of process outlined in administriva, or formlas like an Engineer. I struggled to write papers in university but could sit and converse with my profs all day!!! I would struggle to put a fine point on my paper because the subject matter would just explode. My Profs were amazed at what I knew and could verbalize. I was a Psych Major. But….I need a dictionary beside me just to write this post. I spell like I’m illiterate???

So may of us are gifted it’s amazing….. actors, artists, musicians, industrialists too. Look around the Net, you will be amazed at the people who are ADD. We are the people who move the yardsticks of the world, we are the visionary agents of change. We are not the the administrators of the world, we do not keep the wheels turning everyday. That is for the other folks. We think outside of the box always, and for some reason are willing to take great risks as well!! We are the people who soar…..many soar and fail, get up and soar again. We are misunderstood by the other 90% of the population. They own the administrivia of the world and we try to live in it, but it is their administriva not ours, and for the most part we are shitty at it!!! Hence the labeling, name calling, low self-esteem, depression. Not a surprise.

We are humorous, loyal, charismatic….quite often extremely intelligent, energetic, optimistic, fun loving, sensitive….my the list goes on.

Look at the list and these are just a few fellow ADDer’s…. Einstein, Jack Nicholson, Walt Disney, Richard Branson, Spielberg, John Lennon, Robin Williams, Tom Cruise, Bill Gates, and me. Hahahahahahha

So for me the gift is being able to take in my world as it is and see it all at once a large picture if you will. Some people from the other side can’t imagine that ability, they can’ fathom it or relate to us at all. They label what they don’t understand, it’s the linear way!!!. They are not capable of the wide vision, while yet others (in the ADD world) find that vision over whelming and distracting and seem to have difficulty in breaking through the “everything vision” to get to the day to day.

There are distinct advantages to both brain process(s), but they are also very very different in where their advantages lay. I said it would fumble this and I see I have, I’m sure other will follow maybe they can put a finer point on it..

I’m tired of trying to write in this little box….. I’m outa here….hope that helps?????

toofat

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[Anonymous]

Thankyou guys for the Info. I have been researching so much this weekend, so its so good to hear personal experiences.

So the process here, Im led to believe is that I am to convince my Doctor that I genuinely feel that I have ADD and he will then refer me to a specialist which can be a lengthy process (for which I will bug my GP weekly until I have a meeting arranged) The specialist will then determine if I should just try medication, which will likely be methylphenidate (Ritalin) or further Psychiatric evaluation will be needed.

Im more open to the Medication but Im concerned at this point about the side effects, namely Insomnia and Anxiety (I certainly dont mind about the weight loss

Again thanks for the Info to you all, Ill keep you posted.

@Toofat, Yorkshire is such a lovely place, known for the Hills and Dales, the UK is crossed by a North/South divide and us southeners are considered Soft by Northerners but I absolutely Love the Yorkshire Dales. Were a relatively small country but its still about 6 hours drive away!

Adam

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[Anonymous]

Well great Adam, nice to hear from you again…. I was there for a month in “64”. Loved it toured all over the Island….spent a week in London as well. I’ll never forget it, wonderful trip, I was 14. Now I’m retired I’d like to come back. My Mom (step-mom) is actually from Leeds area.

Anyway back on track….meds, Ritalin, I never got antsy with it Adam. It didn’t cause sleep problems for me either…..now that’s me. I was on 10mg. once or twice a day if I remember right…it was 10 years ago I stopped taking it…when I retired. I just this week re-did my prescription, thought I might try it again. It takes a bit to get the dosage right sometimes, so be patient…..to little… too much….but no real harmful effects while I was settling the dosage. Too little just has no effect and too much made me feel a little zoomy, for a few hours….that’s all. I didn’t grow a tail or anything…..feedback to your Dr. is key, that’s,all. It’s not rocket science, so don’t fret!!!

toofat

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