Just realizing this is a strong possibility…anyone relate?

[megco802]

I havent seen a doctor for anything in over 2 years because I have no health insurance.I am 19 years old and female, and I live in an apartment with my girlfriend. We both work 50+ hours a week.Recently I’ve been told by loved ones that I show symptoms of ADHD and after that I began noticing a lot on my own too. Although I know its not the proper thing to do, I have taken a Vyvanse before when I was cramming for a test while I was still in high school, I couldnt explain the way it made my mind quiet down and everything seemed the way it should be. I never though much of it but now that I have done an abundance of research I seem to fit the bill of an ADHD adult almost on the money.I’ve always done well in school though, straight A’s all through high school. I could never pay attention when an instructor was teaching verbally but I’m a very determined person and always found my own ways to study and learn.So how could it be that these symptoms effect every aspect of my life except for in school?I know if I see a doctor they will take one look at my report cards and say no way!How do I even go about finding a doctor to talk to about this? I also have issues with depression and anxiety, could that also pair up with ADHD?These are my ‘symptoms’ :Excessive talking interrupting others due to impulsive responses (not allowed people to finish questions before answering etc) procrastination always have to be doing something, finding something to do starting things before finishing others, leaving tasks unfinishedeasily distracted very forgetful when spoken to verbally, hard time listening losing things, (i lose my keys almost every single day) always rocking my feet or fidgeting with objects (playing with my rings/necklaces/seams of clothing) get bored easily get frustrated easily impatientcrazy mood swings

I’ve also noticed that this effects my relationship.

I actually did some online tests after I started researching and I know there is no ‘test’ but i had my girlfriend answer questions about me off of a university of maryland adhd website and all of her answers coincided with the same results which suspect I may actually have this.

How did you guys go about finding a diagnosis?Was it expensive?

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[gingertime]

Hi megco802

 

I can’t relate to your school as a straight A  but as an adult going back to school I did much better, than one year not so good. I can relate to over talking interuping,losing thing my keys my glasses and many other things put them down than can’t find them. I get very frustrated.  Relationships are diffficult because I forget appear to not care when I really do sometimes I just don;t get it or understand. I did not grow up in a family  with lots of love so I don;t really know what family is or love for that matter had too many issues with family. I remember my Mom telling me that you do what you do until you learn to do better that helps me alot. I also remember reading if it is ADHD than it is not our fault hang in there you are not alone sometimes I feel like I am going crazy prehaps should not be around people so I can ‘t hurt them.  Feelings can be tough.

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[squirrelygirl]

I can relate, as well.  I’ve yet to be diagnosed.  Went to a psychiatrist yesterday on referral from a counselor I saw (she was more alarmed by my “depressive brain” but also mentioned by concern about ADD.   A friend who was diagnosed as a child told me he always thought I had it, too.  I laughed it off, but then researched it and found that my whole life resonated with what I read about it. This psych sort of tried to derail me from the ADD diagnosis, thought there were some other things to look into like my slightly low thyroid…

I believe my depression and low self esteem, which I have had as long as I can remember, are secondary to ADD. Thing is, I don’t have memories of how I was as a kid, other than pin-point moments here and there.  I was put in the MGM program in lower elementary but chose to opt out because I found it boring!  I have no recollection of my grades in junior high other than that I got an A in 9th grade Spanish, which was when we were to be conversational, but I never did speak it – still got an A because I could read and write it ok.  I call myself SquirrelyGirl because my brain is all over the place, especially with regards to remembering details in story-telling or articulating my knowledge of a subject…I can understand things when people explain it to me but can’t regurgitate the info back to save my life, just don’t remember names/details, etc.do remember getting in trouble with my parents when I was doing poorly in 7th grade social studies.  I hated the class, wasn’t interested in it, so did poorly.  Education and performance were important in our family and so I guess I managed to do ok in most things by way of adapting.  I do remember plagiarizing a favorite children’s book in a creative writing class because I just couldn’t get started with my own ideas.  I’m one of those people who WISH i was as creative as ADD people are purported to be!

I did go to UCLA and get my BS in biology, but barely squeaked by with a 2.99 GPA.  I could only handle a 12 unit load (3 classes), and ended up dropping classes a few times and starting over when I got too behind or was going to fail.  Most people I knew were taking 16 units (4 classes).  It still took me a full four years to graduate even though I came in with 3 semesters of community college…

I was so socially inept and shy that I didn’t fully take advantage of what was available – TA sections, office hours, work study…when I graduated, I never felt I had a competent handle on my area of study to start a career, so I started a “business” as a dog walker and then dog trainer because dogs and their behavior interested me.  I was never any great example of such, though, and ended up burning out, more from lack of self-worth than anything.  I’ve lived a life knowing that I was a smart person but never feeling good enough about myself to self-promote or take a chance trying to prove myself in my field of education.

I can feel passionately about something but can’t articulate to others why, can’t reach for facts and names to support my views.  Have always felt socially awkward, different from other people. Have often wished joked to myself that I wish I could have a lobotomy so that I wouldn’t have to be me, so I could have a chance at being normal.

I have made a fair number of impulsive decisions in my life, what I called poor judgement calls.  I’ve ruined vehicles by doing inattentive things (like putting an auto-transmission vehicle into park before climbing out, only to have it drive into a tree – almost had that happen a second time recently!).  Constantly forget what I was on my way to do mid-stride, because my brain is constantly wandering…

I had made an appointment with another psychologist who does ADD testing before I saw this other guy, but the first appointment wasn’t available until this coming Monday.  I guess I will go see him, too.  My husband, who is the most skeptical human I know and will call “snake oil” on a lot of stuff, actually believed that I have ADD after reading some articles I had found on it.  He actually found another one on ADD in women that really fit!

So, we’ll see what happens.  I’m not thrilled about going on the meds, but I do desire the mental clarity, and it would be nice to know that there’s a physical cause for my being such a slacker all my life 🙁  I’m tired of beating myself up for not being able to keep a cleaner house, for losing and ruining stuff (can’t have nice things!), for never making something of myself…It would be nice to figure out what I’d really like to do and be good at.

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[GnoStiC]

Do not care about the expense! Go see a psychiatrist, a good one. (in my case my third psychiatrist could diagnose me with ADHD+OCD, others just tried to cure me for my depression and laziness). Once you know what you’re dealing with and have tools to cope with it, it’s all worth the money and time spent.

if you feel like something’s wrong, it probably is. i must admit, accepting you have a disorder can be challenging but GO NOW! MAKE AN APPOINTMENT. DON’T DELAY

start you new life as soon as possible!

p.s.: rick’s videos really help a lot. purchasing them all at once may be expensive, so start with comprehensive guides 1&2&3 .. then rest will follow 🙂

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[lindsey3]

Hi Megco, I am a 54 year old woman and have requested an assessment for ADHD via my GP ( over here in England ) – my life ground to a complete standstill 12 months ago and I simply couldn’t function anymore. The deep internal strain that I have experienced all my life, snapped open –  depression and an anxiety and panic disorder arrived and overwhelmed me. Anyway, what I really want to say is that it is wonderful that you are open and aware of yourself now, as a young woman. You must pursue support, keep informed and embrace your strengths. Please don’t repress / pretend / hide / cover up / avoid and so many other strategies that people of my generation did and do. Creative, passionate, intense, independent – I bet you are all of these fine things, and so much more. Don’t hide, be brave and feel excited about your future – it’s all yours.

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[megco802]

Thank you so much for that it made my day ^^^^ and thank you all for your support and input

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[Bananas]

Hi Megco.  Here’s why you HAVE IT BIG TIME but you still do well in school: you have developed your own STRATEGIES  for study that work for you.  Translation: YOU ARE VERY VERY SMART!

I did very well in school until high school.  I had no study strategy, didn’t pay attention in class, but got straight A+ … until I had to do essays, research, keep up with nightly work, etc.  I did develop some strategies, but struggled to have A’s.  I even failed a couple of courses.  I was one credit short of graduation, and never did get that final paper.  (Later I applied as a “Mature Student” and obtained three post-secondary diplomas.)

Around 2003, I suspected I had CAPD (Auditory Processing issues) and got myself tested in 2005.  The results were inconclusive.  LIKE YOU, I WAS COMPENSATING, WHICH COVERED UP THE TRUE DIAGNOSIS.  So if you get tested by, say, answering a couple of questionnaires, you won’t find out anything you don’t already know, and worse, you may be told you have “mild” ADD or ADHD, so there’s nothing anyone can do, just get on with life.  Because you are compensating well, what’s the problem?! Just get on with it!!  (BAD idea.  Through the decades: self-esteem struggles, depression, anxiety, hopelessness.)

I had a decent job for awhile, and took my own money to get properly tested.  I was put through a battery of tests in December 2013, at age 48.  Lots of tests, very diverse, mostly of the intelligence test variety.  Turns out, I do have CAPD – first percentile, which means really badly!!  But I was shocked to find I have ADHD Inattentive Type (actually, Combined Type, but leaning towards Inattentive).  I had no inkling I might have ADD.

I immediately joined a group for adults (in Toronto, Canada), and read lots, and checked out this here site.  Getting facts and connecting with other ADDers has EXPLAINED EVERYTHING about my lifelong difficulties, especially my adult struggles with depression and anxiety.

The testing cost around $5,000.  For me it was worth it.  But if you don’t have the dough, just read read read.  (You can get audiobooks if reading isn’t your thing.  But you’ll figure out a way; after all, you managed in high school!)

I’m still struggling, a lot has happened in my life this past year.  If you look up Top Ten Stressors on line, I have four of the top six that have happened in the last eight months, including job loss, death of loved one, divorce…  Plus none of my very intelligent friends are not actually supportive of my ADHD diagnosis.  I really value my adults’ support group because of this.

I’d better stop writing… I actually sat down at my computer just to pay a bill!  And now I’m lost in this Forum!

Don’t doubt your senses.  I’m not a doctor, but I’d say you have full-blown ADHD!

-Bananas

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[redlion12]

I have been suspecting I have ADD for awhile now.  I am in school to become a substance abuse counselor and we did a class on ADHD/ADD.  My son and husband have both been diagnosed with it.  I just never thought mine was bad enough that I needed help for it.  I am now thinking maybe I do.  I am having a hard time with staying on task with things I need to do at home and my hobbies.  It is almost like I have channels in my head and I don’t have control of the remote.  It has been driving me crazy.  I came up with something I learned from another friend who also has ADD and she sugested I keep a daily thoughts book, everytime my channel flips I can write that thought down.  I am a Artist with many crafts.   I have all these ideas and things I want to do but never can complete them.  I have several projects going on at once because my head won’t stay on one channel.  I have learned to somewhat prioritize things.  I am into so many crafts that my husband is going crazy and wants me to get rid of some of them.  I agree so I am trying to go through a list of the hobbies I will stick with verses the ones I want to try.  I also have a house cleaning list.  I get overwhelmed when there is too much to do at once so I had to make a chor list for myself and decide what room or rooms get cleaned on what day.  Since I have three days a week off I have to schedule everything on those days.  I am so busy working 4 tens and a night shift that is difficult to get sleep and do chores.  I get so frustrated with myself sometimes.  I think my list idea is working to a point.  I just get mad when the channel changes throughout the day as I am trying to complete what is on my list.  Any one have some suggestions that might help me get organized better?

 

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[redlion12]

I can so relate to you on this level. I get mad at myself for not being able to complete tasks. I am focused at work because it is physical labor in a warehouse it’s not hard to keep on track with that for me. However, when it comes to house keeping and my hobbies. It sucks because as I said the channel keeps flipping in my head in the middle of me trying to complete one task. for example I was trying to put my shelving up for my dressing room and I got the shelf part attached to the wall but as I am doing it I am going through channels in my head of other things I have to do to day on top of what hobby I was working on. What has to be done in the kitchen the living room the dinning room oh and the carpets have to get vacuumed. What bill did I pay what appointment are tomorrow. Oh that’s a cool idea for sorting my mail. Crap wheres my note book got to write this down or I’ll forget. Damn it where is a pen. Ok crap what was I doing? Then blank for a sec walk through the house look at the rooms oh yeah I was hanging shelves need to finish that up. That is when I came in to the office and decided to take a test for ADD and found this forum. I still have not finished hanging up the shelves. So, if anyone can relate laugh with me because I will be finishing that shelf at the end of this reply. 🙂

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[russellmarsh]

I’ll try a question here, but first I’ll try to answer yours. I feel that way all the time, I want to admit it to other people, but i don’t know how to go about it. I want to tell my doctor, but i feel i will get another “no” or “you have symptoms but who knows” response. I’m a veteran, and use the VA, and see mental health, but anytime I have a question (and i KNOW i have problems, been diagnosed with ptsd depression, anxiety) i get told “not sure”. I’ve mentioned OCD, anxiety disorder, you name it, I’ve asked. Well, there is a big story i can add to all of this, but for all of our sakes,and because I’m getting bored with typing, how do we go about talking to our providers if we think it will be a no, or they will think we are drug seeking? I just want an answer, not an anti depressant that just makes me feel bored, so i get depressed. I want answers or an honest, unbiased answer. How do we do it? Now that I think i have it, i can’t even sleep because i over analyze everything i do. Does anyone reading this feel i do? Or do i just seem like I’m making things up to be part of the. IT crowd? What do we do? Thanks for any input.
Russ

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[ricker2]

Stuck between ADD and Anxiety. Maybe both are happening at the same time. I am just beginning research on this subject so I’m (behind as usual)
Recently was given Citalopram by my doctor for anxiety. Worked ok at first but now I think my body is immune to it. Recently saw a meme that said something like
“Everybody wants all their ducks in a row…I have no ducks…I have squirrels and they’re drunk” Pretty much sums it up. I struggled in school barely squeaking by. They had me in special classes to help me along but it didn’t do any good. I feel over stimulated most of the time. If someone’s talking to me or I am trying to read something and there is too much noise in the background my brain shuts off. I will often fall off a thought half way through a task. Right now I know what I am trying to say but my 5 year old is talking to me and I am struggling. I have struggled in social situations my whole life. Never feel like I’m fitting in anywhere. This is to the point where instead of being myself (whoever that is) I adapt to my surroundings often adopting other peoples action and or mannerisms just to fit in. I have just come to realize all these things about myself as I drop deeper into this rabbit hole.

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[jaycuda]

The chains of ADD and ADHD combined have flashed before my eyes for the past two weeks after a lifetime struggling to figure out why I can’t function in society.

I grew up thinking my eyes were able to dart lasers at objects. I twisted my mouth for no apparent reason as my siblings, cousins, and other kids in the neighborhood mocked and ridiculed me. I remember rolling down streets inside 55 gallon garbage drums and smelling like a pig pen. I remember hanging out with a bunch of kids that wore no shoes and who stole chickens, mangoes and oranges but I don’t remember anything about my early school days.

When I was nine, my family left the town that would soon become for Pablo Escobar what Chicago had once been to Al Capone. I arrived to a racially divided neighborhood in Jersey City, NJ in the late sixties to find that I was too white to fit in with the blacks and Puerto Rican’s and not white enough to fit in with the whites. I got jumped constantly by someone’s racial fist. In school I did terrible. I fantasized and daydreamed but I didn’t know any English so I figured it was normal. When two of my sisters caught up with me in fifth grade, I copied their homework and cheated to squeeze by in school; I graduated last in grammar school. In the neighborhood I learned to thrive by being reckless and by constantly searching for adrenaline. I focused on money. I delivered newspapers, washed cars, shoveled snow, shoplifted, stole. I entered my adolescence not being good in normal social situations—only good when drunk or drugged on a runaway train.

I got kicked out of two high schools and dropped out of two night schools, and then cheated on my GED to fulfill my lifelong dream of becoming a soldier. The thought of fighting for freedom and killing the enemy was sold to me hook, line and sinker and I took it wholeheartedly at seventeen years of age, I ended up in the United States Air Force, the only branch that doesn’t fight, unfortunately. I got bored and then discharged.

Before my eighteenth birthday, my father who had not talked to me in years embraced me and brought me into the world of drug trafficking where I fulfilled my dream of becoming a soldier, his soldier, his mule, a job with the adrenaline and excitement that I so much desired and was able to do. Not only that but I found the belonging and the love of my father. I had found myself.

At 21 I got arrested and given the maximum sentence allowed by law for flying into Florida with 268 kilos of cocaine. I was sent to level five and six maximum security penitentiary of Leavenworth despite being a first-time, non-violent offender. Prison life with the constant drama and dangers lurking at every corner did not seem to bother me much. What I had trouble with was with friendships, with bonding, with being able to relate like other inmates seemed to be able to. I suffered inside wondering why I felt so weird and incompetent.

I was released at 34 years of age and deported back to Colombia two months after the killing of Pablo Escobar when the city was a war zone. The bullets didn’t seem to bother me as much as the stress of integrating socially but then one of my girlfriends got pregnant and I had my first relationship ever. I had never shared a bed with a woman in 34 years and I gave the poor woman hell. When my daughter was born, I decided I would not smuggle drugs ever again. I left a toxic life on the edge and embarked on becoming a good husband and a father. I did good for about fifteen years; I worked two and three jobs without a problem. My wife must be OCD because she picked up everything I left on the floor.

A mid-life crisis hit me like a switch and I impulsively (like on one thought) went back to claim my youth—the six pack, the drugs, the booze, the women, the guns. I could focus on making money and was thriving in Europe but I was a broken man inside. How much money, sex and drugs can a man take and not find himself? Death from a quick bullet seemed better that a slow death from emotional and spiritual bankruptcy, a slow death from incompetency…but I think I wanted to at least know who I was and so I stopped drinking and drugging and entered numerous twelve steps recovery programs. I dropped everything in my life including family responsibilities and even forgot about making money. After five years of doing nothing but meetings on recovery, an Inner Child appeared and showed me glimpses of who I was. It wasn’t much but enough for me to take an interest in doing the right thing for my family, my son eleven, my daughter twenty and lastly, their mother, my ex, who took me back one year later.

Three years ago exactly, in December of 2016, I found out that I had been wrongly deported by US immigration and that I had been a United States citizen since 1978. I was given a US passport by the US embassy but immediately incarcerated in Central America, and then extradited back to the US, where I got locked up again over some bogus charge (long story but the Parole thought I had felt the country when Immigration had actually deported me). Prison at 56 years of age didn’t seem to bother me but once released in July of 2017, my life became hell again once I lost the structure, the discipline, and my family. It took the government two years to give me my citizenship. I struggled from impulsivity but kept going to meetings: I needed more work on my never-ending defects of character so I kept pounding at my recovery. I have not seen my wife and my son in three years. I seem to be going in circles again.

Two weeks ago someone left a book on ADD in one of the twelve step recovery rooms and I took it out of curiosity. I get 14 out of 14 on the self-examination and I get close to 100 per cent on just about every on-line ADD test. I don’t even try anymore. It’s like I know because now five decades of my life make sense. I can connect all the dots and see all the patterns. I have never been able to see my past with clarity until now.

It has not been easy turning on a dime, going from I’m a lazy, worthless, good-for-nothing, ex-convict whose getting paid what he deserves in life to going to the extreme grief and the loss of realizing that much of my life’s troubles have been due to a possible neurological problem that doesn’t allow me to measure the consequences of my actions. It seems unreal. It seems like another one of my cop-outs. It’s really overwhelming to think that the journey to self discovery and recovery will have to be started all over again with this possible ADD/ADHD.

My son also had Tourette around the same time I had mine when I was a child and I only hope that I might be able to help my son so that he doesn’t have to go through what I went through. It would be so much easier to think that I may be making excuses for my past actions and be able to just move on blissfully ignorant and maybe think that some day I’ll figure it out. But I can’t. There’s an empty hole inside of me. There is anger beyond anything I’ve ever felt because I could have known, because someone could have seen that maybe I wasn’t so stupid or lazy. I might have been rescued or saved or helped.

I’m hoping that in writing about this and sharing, I might find some like-minded individuals to maybe help me understand that I’m not crazy. Am I making this up or can this be true? Can anyone relate? Can it be possible that at 58 years of life, I have finally ripped through the thick concrete walls, and the steel bars of my imprisoned life inside a brain that has become my warden. Is this ADD/ADHD for real? I have read that many professionals think it’s made up by Big Pharma to sell drugs.

I have not been formally diagnosed and I know how complicated my issues are for any quick test so I wonder if I’ll ever know if this might be true or just a figment of my imagination. Please help if you can relate.

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