Long forgotten memories

[jpsimard]

As I go through my emotional journey with INCREDIBLE support from the love of my life, a whole bunch of old stuff is getting un-earthed as we sweep out a closet that was stuffed to overfilled at the sub-atomic level. I was thinking back to “signs” of my adhd when I was a child, and I recently vomited out this memory as my mind was un-loading its burdens.

I was in third grade, learning my multiplication tables. I just… couldn’t do it. Couldn’t stay focused long enough, no matter how hard I tried. It was causing me a great amount of anxiety, where I would cry before I went to bed, and cry when I woke up in the morning. I told my first lie to an adult that year, when I told my teacher that I -had- memorized my multiplication tables, and that the only reason my parents didn’t sign the tracking sheet was because I forgot to ask them.

There was a song on the radio… it was light, and catchy, and it seemed to sing right to me. Bobby Ferrin’s “Don’t Worry, Be Happy”. I asked my parents to buy it for me, and it sort of became my mantra on how I lived my life. I’d play it before I went to bed, and when I woke up in the morning. I “let go” those feelings of inadequacy and just powered through school, hell, through life…. until this year.

While I still live by “don’t worry, be happy”, I also am learning to finally deal with my life. With my DEEP feelings of inadequacy. I give help even when I don’t really have it to offer, because growing up… that is all I wanted. I started playing the trumpet in grade 9 because my brother started that year, and I was desperate for attention. It sort of saved my life, because I happened to have a long hidden musical talent, which I now use to this day!

I guess the point of this fairly ranty and emotionally raw rant is this: I’m so glad that I know now. While I am working towards “acceptance” of my disorder, I at least have an understanding of just why my life has unfolded the way it has, and with that knowledge I am beginning to lay old pain to rest by acknowledging them without blame or shame, rather than simply burying them.

Ciao!

Justin

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