i’m trying to work out how battling against adversity for many many years, then finding the strength to be open and honest about your negative experiences could be considered something a big baby would do, let alone ‘feeling sorry for yourself’. all the babies i’ve ever met seem more focused on boobies than battles. 
feeling suicidal isn’t a sign of weakness or immaturity, trashman. its a sign that you’ve just got far too much going on to cope with on your own right now. its not an uncommon thing- a hell of a lot of people go through it- they just sadly keep quiet for the most part, out of misplaced feelings of shame or fear. i was suicidal for quite a few years myself, and i know that my parents have both dealt with those feelings, plus several friends- and we’ve all got through it, just like you will. *hugs*
you can’t stuff it all back into the box because it just doesn’t fit in there any more, and it doesn’t belong in there anyway. the box is meant for short term emergency storage only! i think it gets harder to cope with depression and traumatic memories as we get older because every time we replay or revisit our memories and feelings we distort them a little- we add to the impression they’re making on our heart, make the pictures and feelings a bit more solid and intense, add wishes and disapointments and imaginings of how things could have been different, and generally reinforce the patterns- like warping and wearing grooves and scratches into an old vinyl record, by handling and playing it over and over on a slightly damaged recordplayer.
or if this picture works better for you- its sort of like your problems make up a little ball of assorted crud, and right now its rolling around aimlessly through the landscape of your mind- its gonna pick up a bunch of assorted stuff that it hits along the way, and turn into a bigger ball of crud as it goes, and when it gets big enough it’ll start flattening things- especially if we keep feeding it or ignoring it instead of tidying up the mess in there regularly. sometimes we just can’t clean it up by ourselves, its too big of a job, or we just don’t have the tools, let alone the strength- and nobody has even showed us where the hell we’re supposed to start. [ok, this is starting to sound way too much like we’re talking about the state of my kitchen]
have you got someone professional you can talk to about everything trashman? you could probably benefit from a bit of help to unpick the big tangle of crud thats escaped, gone on a little rampage, and is now squishing everything else in your life- its kinda got to the size that its blocking out the sun for you. you could use the help of someone who can teach you how to stop the ball from rolling about uncontrolled in there, build a few crash barriers and roadblocks, and help you start to take it to bits, so you can file some of it away, repair items that are damaged but could still be helpful to hold onto, toss the garbage into the mulcher, build new items to replace whatever got completely mangled, and generally sort it all out.
its doable, you just need a professional brain re-organiser on your team, and a bit of time and effort. 