Family and close friends

[Anonymous]

OK, I get it, this is one of those situations where I’m going to end up getting more helpful support from strangers on the internet than from the people who should know me better than anyone else.

I tried to talk to a couple of family members and a long time friend, and they all seemed very dismissive of this. My friend said that my symptoms are probably menopause (OK, so I’ve had menopause since before I even hit puberty? How does that work? Honestly, you really don’t hear about 7 year olds having hot flashes, do you?).

I can see why my family might find it a little difficult to accept, because with most of them, if I have it, there’s a good chance they have it to, to some degree or other. My family is full of “interesting” people.

One relative even suggested that because it is sometimes over-diagnosed in kids, that it doesn’t actually exist.

I’m going to keep my mouth shut (yeah, good luck with that) until after I find out if the Ritalin works for me. I think the worst outcome of this would be that I do not have ADD and I’m truly just lazy, stupid, loquacious and immature.

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[trashman]

I would not worry about them , instead learn as much about this as you can .I am wating for my turn to show them the totally add dvd I ordered.then I hope some of them will have there aha moment.

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[Anonymous]

Hi,

I’ve had a bit of the same reaction from my mother after getting the diagnosis and even after getting treatment and seeing how much of a difference it makes. I see adhd in a lot of people in my family, my mother has it and at least two of my aunts have it. Its very clear to me and I can state the facts all day yet my mother does not really want to hear it apparently probably in part because she sees some things in her as well, she’s convinced herself she did not have any problems…so be it as they say.

In life, many people are closed minded, if my father was still alive, I’m sure he would listen to me unfortunately he’s not. What you have to do is give them the facts and tools to understand the syndrome. I’ve actually just sent two copies of the movie add & loving it (one to my grandma and one to my mother). They already got the speach on what adhd is and how it can change your life and I don’t really expect them to change their perception overnight or change at all for that matter.

What you have to do is take your life in your own hands and lead by example.

I can totally understand though that this can be very frustrating but there is nothing else you can do!|

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[Anonymous]

Thanks, you two.

John, my dad passed away in September and one thing I miss greatly about him is that he was the one person in my family who truly understood me and the way my brain works. I know now that he was also an ADDer. Undiagnosed, of course.

When I would bring home a bad grade on my report card, he NEVER chastised me or punished me for it. Instead, he would simply ask if I had done my best, and when I would tell him I had, he would say, “That’s all you can do.” Of course, that ultimately did not stop me from feeling inferior to the “smart” kids who paid attention in class and always finished their homework.

To be fair, my mom is supportive, but no matter how hard she tries, she doesn’t know me like my dad did.

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[Gary]

Howdy,

The possibility of my having ADHD surfaced during treatment for moderate to severe depression about 9 years ago (it turns out ADHD is rarely a solo act. It more often plays in an ensemble – the other members usually being depression-both mono and bi polar, learning difficulties, or other co-morbidities – I never liked that term…sounds like multiple plots to do me in, but I digress) . As part of the diagnosis, he gave me a questionnaire for my mother complete. When I gave it to her, one of the first comments she made was “don’t mention this to your father. His approach to any challenge is ‘pull yourself up by your own bootstraps'”. Once she completed the form I had her place it in a sealed envelope which I gave to my therapist. Upon review of the form he stated that, according to her response to the questions, I was more or less a normal kid. She did mention occasional lapses in my studies and my less-than-stellar grades, but overall I was a normal kid…

!!!…

???…

Really?

Who are you, and what have you done with my mother? The same mother that read on every report card some variation of “Gary is very smart, and could be an excellent student if he would only apply himself”. Obviously, aliens had sucked out her memories of my childhood and replaced them with my younger brother’s.

Despite this somewhat white-washed version, I was indeed tentatively diagnosed as having ADHD. Confirmation had to wait another 8 years, owing to a sudden lack of employment and the health insurance it provided. This same insurance was covering my depression (remember depression, the other member of the duet?). I therefore was enabled to come off my anti-depression medication “cold-turkey”, which would’ve made my father very proud as now I could find those bootstraps and start pulling. But, that’s another story.

Since then, there have been two incidents that illustrate for me the likelihood of my parents ever understanding, or perhaps even caring to.

The first came several months after being layed off in 2003. My mother and wife were talking one day when my mother asked “so, is Gary still taking anything for his depression?” to which my wife truthfully answered “no”. My mothers’ response was “oh, so he’s all better now.”…

Oh, yeah…

We still refer to that time as “the dark ages”

The second occurred about a year and a half ago. My parents were up for a visit (we live in Wa. state, they in Texas). As luck would have it, I not only had my weekly session with my therapist, but the monthly meeting of the local ADHD group. In the course of telling them I would be busy two nights that week, they began asking questions. I thought “what the hell, what have I got to loose?” So, I pretty much opened up about both the depression and ADHD.

2 hours later…

We had relived certain parts of my childhood, including school, grades, job history and life in general- and how depression and ADHD had affected them. By this time my niece had been diagnosed with ADHD. She was diagnosed while still in middle school, thanks in part to her mother (my sister, the doctor…You know, the successful one.) Because they had an opportunity to see it from another perspective – that of grandparents, as well as the credibility given it by my sister, they acknowledged the possibility/probability I had suffered it as well. For my part, I acknowledged “I had ADHD before it was cool”, and that no one’s to blame. It was/is what it was/is. They asked if the counseling and medications I’m currently on are helping, and I said “yes”.

They then commented “no one knew about these things at the time I grew up, and that you do the best you can at the time, but you can’t go back and do it over”.

I took that as recognition, but I think what I really was looking for was an admission…and an apology.

An apology for the hell I suffered for thinking I was not doing my best. Why? Because, if I were doing my best then my report cards would show it.

An apology for years of spending EVERY evening in my room after dinner “studying”. No TV or other privileges, no friends over, no diversions. When my grades improved was when I could enjoy those. My grades remained abysmal, however I read most of the entire set of both Comptons’ Encyclopedia & Encyclopedia Americana.

An apology for the ritual of “report card night” every 9 weeks. This included “the talk” from Dad, more of an inquisition actually, followed by the obligatory session with the chair and belt.

An apology for feeling completely different from how everyone else was, and not having A CLUE about why or how to change.

An apology for the years of knots in my stomach every time I was given a task or responsibility, as I was certain to muck it up, waste time, go wandering off “fiddle-farting around” (I’d forgotten that phrase until just now. Got’ta remember that for use later, as it’s a winner!), or get it half done.

An apology for being 54, and still feeling like “what should I be doing with my life, and why can’t I get/keep it together”. “Why does everything seem to eventually fall apart?)

An apology for feeling this way at all…

It turns out that’s not coming, at least not from them. I have to accept this, and give myself permission and authority to forgive myself…and understand they did the best for me they could/knew how.

Do I still want that fantastical apology?…Yes.

Will I get it…probably not.

Do I need it to move on and be who “I” am?…I’ll get back with you.

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[Anonymous]

Gary, I feel for you–I truly do and I can definitely empathize. My parents were not perfect–far from it–and for years I was angry with them. I blamed them for everything that had gone wrong in my life, and there were a LOT of things. When I was 17 and I went away to university (deliberately choosing one that was 4 hours away from my parents), I began experimenting with drugs, alcohol and sex. I was, in a word, a promiscuous pot-head and speed freak. My grades were predictably horrible and my bank account was continually overdrawn (my first ATM card, you see–I never wrote anything down). When I flunked out of college and had to go home and get a job, I was disappointed in myself, but honestly, I didn’t like college and was relieved when I couldn’t go back.

When someone representing himself to be a friend of a friend sexually assaulted me that year, my self-esteem took a nose-dive. I started dating a guy who was 7 years older and who forgot to mention that he was married to someone else at the time. He ended up getting a divorce and we got married. In the meantime, he became an abusive monster who convinced me that my family did not love me. I believed it and so I stayed in the relationship long after the present me would have gone running in the other direction. But that’s another story altogether.

The point is, that I blamed my parents for low self-esteem. I blamed the strict Southern Baptist environment that I grew up in and I blamed my family for not giving me the love (i.e., physical hugs and warmness that you’re supposed to get from your parents) that I so desperately needed and wanted.

The farther south you go in the USA, the less accepting people are of mental issues. The pull yourself up by your bootstraps mentality seems to be prevalent–or at least it was back in the 60s and 70s. Only *really* crazy people went to see shrinks; all you really needed to do was pray to God to make you better, and if He didn’t, well, that was your own fault for not having enough faith. The one decision I have taken completely on my own that has turned out to be the best decision was to leave the South and move to Boston. I assume that you moved to WA for similar reasons.

When my parents finally got to the point where they accepted that I had emotional and mental problems that I could not resolve without help, I considered that as their apology to me (even though I never told them this). It was the closest thing I was ever going to get, because they didn’t feel that they did anything wrong in raising me. And honestly, they did the best job they could considering the era and the place where we lived.

I think my dad inherently understood me because of his own ADD–this apple did not fall far from the tree. I’m like an alien to my mom, but she tries.

When I asked her the other day what she remembered about me as a child, she could only say that I was a “strong willed child”. But she wasn’t the one who left work to go to my school and meet with the principal and my teachers–that was my dad’s job. So if I had given her a questionnaire like the one you gave your mom, the outcome probably would have been the same. Memories fade with time, and we are the only ones who experienced our own personal difficulties and shortcomings. She probably doesn’t even remember much about her own childhood.

Try to forget about it–an apology won’t change anything that has already happened. I know that’s easier said than done, but do it for your own peace of mind and so that you can focus on what’s really important–YOU and the here and now.

Good luck and best wishes!

Marian

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[Anonymous]

I think everyone who knows me thinks I’m some kind of hypochondriac or something. It’s just that when you know something isn’t quite right about yourself and you start to seek help for it, the diagnosis (especially with adults who have already developed some coping skills) isn’t always that simple. I’ve been diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Major Depression, and Trichotillomania’s twin sister, chronic skin picking.

I think they all think I’m just making it up, or that I get on the internet and find a list of symptoms and go, I HAVE THAT!! It’s true, I do a lot of my own research (it’s like a hobby, truthfully), but I really do have that!!

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[trashman]

Hi all I think if we look back we could all say we all have a story where we feel we have bean wronged . I to have that feeling and what I think is a sad story, from the sexuall abuse for 4 years from a man next door ,to being junped and bullied in school and all these things didn’t come out untill 2009 when my dad died.it seems for me losing that last parent was finally giving me a chance to be open about my life. since I opened that pandoras box it all came poring out and I cant seem to put it back in the box. the older I get is harder to cope for some reason . then to find out that I have adhd and so did mmy dad . I have other siblings also but they have no idea. I am the first to admit I am a train wreak. been like this a long time spend most of my time wishing I were dead just don’t have the guts to do it . I guess its one more thing I wont finsh. I have to go I think I am just being a big baby and feeling sorry for myself. i will be back when I feel better about myself . sorry and thanks for letting me vent.

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[Anonymous]

Don’t be sorry, Trashman! If you can’t be a big baby here, where can you? Venting is good. Bottling up is bad. Take care! We will all find our way together.

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[Anonymous]

Thigs will get better, trashman. Don’t give up on yourself. You’ll get a lot of helpful advice and encouragement and empathy here. Be proud of yourself for every positive step you take even though there may be a lot of failures in between. You have friends you haven’t met yet and successes you haven’t experienced yet so keep on plugging.. Above all accept yourself for what you are and take a hand in making things better for yourself. Know that a lot of people are pulling for you. And keep us posted!

P.S. This is a great place to vent!

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[Anonymous]

Hi, I just want to jump in here and say that I have not even told my family. I am 56 and I honestly don’t think I have the strength to deal with it if it doesn’t go well. I have not ever been able to count on support from them. This is not to say that they have not been supportive — they have, but not always, so I cannot count on it.

The past few years I just feel sick about what could have been. I have tried a number of carreers only to get to a point where I needed something explained to me and NOBODY would help me. I still don’t understand office politics or social interactions and no matter what kind of work I have done, eventually I got hurt because of it. I would lose the job, get transferred (once I got transferred to 3 departments within 1 week), or I would just flounder until I failed.

It gets harder every year. At least when I was young I had more energy and hope. Now I feel scared about a lot of things including memories. I will hear something on TV that reminds me of something from my past (could be about anything) and that will lead to a chain of recollections that actually leave me in physical pain.

I get angry and if I express my anger I am told I am over-reacting. If I don’t get angry, whatever I say or ask for, gets dismissed.

What is the right way to ask for help? How do you get people to believe that you simply cannot figure out how to get some things done? That there are problems you cannot solve on your own?

I cannot ask my family for help anymore. I don’t have the strength. The last time I asked to be shown how to do something my mother said: Figure it out! Nobody ever showed me! It made me cry.

I have a near genius IQ. I graduated from one of the best colleges in the US. I have been the regional cost reduction coordinator for a huge company, I have written novels (never published), and even been an editor for a literary magazine…..now I am nothing. I am broke, out of work, and in desperate need of insurance.

The sad part is that I cannot even imagine having a conversation about my situation with anyone in my family.

Sorry to have gone on and on for so long.

Bremtitude — I give you credit for actually talking to the people in your life. I am sorry that they were dismissive. I know it hurts. But you are braver than me so you’ve got that.

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[trashman]

I hear what you are saying . The older we get the harder we have to work . they tell me I have a low average IQ . I think that Is because I left school afeter grade 8, so it stans to reason that I would test low . If they would test me on how to get along with most people I know I would test high.

Its like I took my son for his learners permit and he failed and he said, dad how do they expect me to pass if they ask about things not in the book. thats how I feel ask me things I know about called my life because untill starting concerta I would have never read 2 of the post never mind sit here and slowly typ this stuff out even if it is poorly spelt and no sentence struture. so I just keep praticeing. and what I will do for work I do not know. the people around me keep teling me I am getting to old and no one will want to hire me . so far I havent had to start begging.

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[Anonymous]

i’m trying to work out how battling against adversity for many many years, then finding the strength to be open and honest about your negative experiences could be considered something a big baby would do, let alone ‘feeling sorry for yourself’. all the babies i’ve ever met seem more focused on boobies than battles.

feeling suicidal isn’t a sign of weakness or immaturity, trashman. its a sign that you’ve just got far too much going on to cope with on your own right now. its not an uncommon thing- a hell of a lot of people go through it- they just sadly keep quiet for the most part, out of misplaced feelings of shame or fear. i was suicidal for quite a few years myself, and i know that my parents have both dealt with those feelings, plus several friends- and we’ve all got through it, just like you will. *hugs*

you can’t stuff it all back into the box because it just doesn’t fit in there any more, and it doesn’t belong in there anyway. the box is meant for short term emergency storage only! i think it gets harder to cope with depression and traumatic memories as we get older because every time we replay or revisit our memories and feelings we distort them a little- we add to the impression they’re making on our heart, make the pictures and feelings a bit more solid and intense, add wishes and disapointments and imaginings of how things could have been different, and generally reinforce the patterns- like warping and wearing grooves and scratches into an old vinyl record, by handling and playing it over and over on a slightly damaged recordplayer.

or if this picture works better for you- its sort of like your problems make up a little ball of assorted crud, and right now its rolling around aimlessly through the landscape of your mind- its gonna pick up a bunch of assorted stuff that it hits along the way, and turn into a bigger ball of crud as it goes, and when it gets big enough it’ll start flattening things- especially if we keep feeding it or ignoring it instead of tidying up the mess in there regularly. sometimes we just can’t clean it up by ourselves, its too big of a job, or we just don’t have the tools, let alone the strength- and nobody has even showed us where the hell we’re supposed to start. [ok, this is starting to sound way too much like we’re talking about the state of my kitchen]

have you got someone professional you can talk to about everything trashman? you could probably benefit from a bit of help to unpick the big tangle of crud thats escaped, gone on a little rampage, and is now squishing everything else in your life- its kinda got to the size that its blocking out the sun for you. you could use the help of someone who can teach you how to stop the ball from rolling about uncontrolled in there, build a few crash barriers and roadblocks, and help you start to take it to bits, so you can file some of it away, repair items that are damaged but could still be helpful to hold onto, toss the garbage into the mulcher, build new items to replace whatever got completely mangled, and generally sort it all out.

its doable, you just need a professional brain re-organiser on your team, and a bit of time and effort.

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[trashman]

Jen thanks and yes I think I have found what you called a head organizer. lol you almost de railed my thinking when you brought up boobies, but my meds must be working because I didn’t stay there long and then I move on. I think I am starting to wonder at what age I will not be able to find work . I have always been thaught that you are known by what you do .I don’t whant to be known as a bun. I no pretty silly but I have been told a lot of stange things growing up. thanks again to all of you for so much support.

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[Gary]

Wow, I don’t even know where to start…

(OK, deep breath here)

First: Brentitude, you’re incredibly perceptive as well as being right. One of the biggy reasons we moved up here, apart from the gorgeous scenery and endless outdoor opportunities, was just that- getting away from the ever critical judgments. It’s amazing how effective distance can be in dampening that…for a while. Eventually though, I found myself falling back into the very role I’d moved across the country to escape. Frequent struggles in jobs & finances, self esteem that cycles between hopefully optimistic and rock bottom, a feeling of inevitable dissatisfaction at anything I attempted, a sense my life was stalled-stagnate-on hold…whatever. This was fun in my earlier years, but by 54 I felt I should have a few of these issues worked out.

You’re also spot on about the role of religion during that time ( and I think still today, especially in parts of the south). This was seen as a character flaw – a moral failing. I too was raised Southern Baptist (no offense intended to anyone, it’s just the way I see it). If I prayed hard and long enough, went to church enough, went to enough revivals, responded to enough “alter calls” (for those who haven’t experienced one, I liken it to confessing your sins…in front of the entire church) I could throw the devil out of my life, overcome this weakness and God would show me the path to good grades, popularity in school, a sense of purpose and belonging….and approval.

Maybe if I’d put more in the collection plate??

Sorry if I sound overly sarcastic. Upon reflection this is a bit simplistic, but essentially my experience.

Trashman, you speak truth from your perspective and experience. You’ve paid your dues, and no one gets to judge you. I agree with Brentitude- everyone needs a place to vent, and this forum is a safe zone.

Bobbie, I have the same problem as you with office politics. Within the technical aspects of my job I can hold my on with pretty much anyone, but I have a difficult time staying “in my box”. If I see an answer -a solution to a problem, a better, more efficient way of doing something- I’m not shy about pointing it out, no matter who’s toes I step on. Worse is when I see a process that is flawed- that’s when I really jump out of my box and bless them with my wisdom. Whether I’m right or not aside – these tend to be career limiting behaviors.

Arrgghh…I promised myself I wasn’t going to write a novel in response, however I just want to conclude by agreeing with Jenetically.

It would be so much easier to bury my head in the sand, or work, or whatever, and continue to cause myself -and my wife- to suffer.. This has been/still is a messy-messy road for me, but one I’m convinced will allow me the freedom to find out who I am and how to balance whoever I end up being with the larger “normy” world…

But, that’s another story.

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