Re: Open Relationships

[Anonymous]

My recent discovery of how ADD has affected my life comes in the middle of a long road of self-discovery. My successes on the road include being sober from alcohol and cigarettes, correcting my sleep pattern, calming down, and thinning out my hectic work life. The current struggle for me is getting past my desire to have an open relationship with my wife of 19 years (my second wife). She does not want that, and I would like to figure out for myself why I want that, or to what degree I want it.

The discovery of ADD is helping, as it is explaining my life-long need for acceptance by others, particularly women. May I recommend the book I am currently reading (which I’m going to finish, by golly!) by Dr. Gabor Mate, entitled “Scattered Minds: A new look at the origins and healing of ADD.” Although I have not read anything yet which I would call bad advice, I would say that Mate’s advice is extra good for me, as he delves very deeply into the roots of all neurological disorders. The thing that really hits home for me is his explanation of infant attunement and attachment with the primary caregivers. Mate also addresses this topic in his equally excellent book, “In the Realm Hungry Ghosts,” which is about addiction. I can see so clearly that my mother would have had difficulties receiving my infantile requests for attunement, and that my search for same has continued in every relationship I’ve ever had, be they long-term or one night.

I am friends with my last extra-marital lover (no sexual involvement for 2 years), and that situation remains a sore spot in my marriage. However, as I learn more about myself and how and why I respond to women, I am understanding how to make a significant shift in my actions and thoughts about my emotions. I am becoming more in touch with my internal processes and am trying to not blame the way I feel on the outside world. I am also becoming to realize that I have created an attachment with my wife which is a worthy thing, and that I can continue to grow that relationship forever. I also realize that the feelings I have for other women are valid but can be acted upon in safe, respectful and legitimate ways that can guarantee me life-long friends AND a life-long partner.

I appreciate this topic being raised.

REPORT ABUSE