Dr. Umesh Jain
is now exclusively responsible
for TotallyADD.com
and its content
Dr. Umesh Jain is now exclusively responsible for TotallyADD.com and its content

The Forums Forums Emotional Journey Is It Just Me? Open Relationships

Viewing 14 posts - 16 through 29 (of 29 total)
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  • Anonymous
    Inactive

    Well Thanks again to everyone who has responded. The boat was never rocked but we were hit by a rouge wave. We’ve been held up on the rocks for a week and are throwing everything overboard to lighten the boat. We havent spoken about any of the isues we have but instead stopped talking all together. We dont live together so thats good, the dogs will be ok without me for now. I hope this is just a skirmish and not the real show. Lots of metaphors today.

    I dont want to loose my best friend. I love her (although she’s making it easier to get over)

    Anonymous
    Inactive

    sorry kyle :( hang in there.

    Anonymous
    Inactive

    I’m a pretty tough S.O.B. Just emotional at times, so I think i’ll be ok. We did hang out a bit last night for a couple of hours. I got to see the dogs and the time away from them showed in their enthusiasm to please me. They were more affectionate than they usually are. We played half a game of “dino-opoly” (we both work at a childrens musuem with a super cool world class paleo lab so we’re dino nerds). Grabbed a bite to eat and she ran me home. We split a veggie delight at subway. She knows that i’m bothered by the situation and kept prying and asking me throughout the night what was wrong. She was back to her old self acting as if the events of last week had never happened.

    I had my chances to say somethings that had popped into my head while playing out each and every scenerio in my head but remained silent throughout the whole night. i’ve never been one voice my own feelings when it comes down to it. I have no problems venting to strangers but when I have to face the person head on, I cant do it. I’ve burned too many bridges and have said to many regretable things. I just couldnt do it last night. I’m going to stay the course and continue to be how I have been this week. I have to change a bit I guess. I’ll get used to it and i’m sure she will also.

    I’m still house/dog sitting for the 9 days that she’ll be in Washington so i’m sure by the time she gets back i’ll be comfortable and confussed with my life and our situation again.

    Keeping strong through all my little drama.

    Thanks for all your support

    Thank you Jenet

    Anonymous
    Inactive

    well I dont have much time to type so I have to make the words count. Its been a hell of a week, today is my last day with the dogs. Diana comes back tomorow at 5 a.m. I affraid of whats going to happen when she comes home. i’ve had it set in my mind that thing are going to change, and that i’m not going to be in the picture anymore. I want us to remain friends as i’m sure we’ll do. She is suprisingly mature for her age (20.75) I hope that some day i can find that special someone for me. I guess thats whats so hard for me right now. Its so difficult for me to meet anyone, and when i finaly do they are only in my life for a short amount of time. We never have anything in comman and its typically me following them around. With Diana its different, we have tons of stuff in comman and she follows me around as much as I do with her. I guess she truely is my best friend.

    Last night I was bummed and didnt engage in heavy texting, i appologized and said i was bummed, she wrote back “dont be bummed,i love ya”. the only thing i could think to respond with was “i’d say it back but it never comes out right”.

    This morning, i skipped my shower and breakfast so I could spend more time with the guys, even right now since I have to vent, I have one of them by my side laying his head in my lap. I love these dogs, and have been crying like a baby all morning. I’m sure my eyes will look great when I get into work today.

    My last day with the dogs. What a great 9 days its been. :( im so bummed……….

    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Hello Friends…

    Open relationship is the one thing that fills the gap of misunderstanding between the two people…..If you are in a open relation then you can easily communicate and share your feelings with everyone….I too a guy who loves an open relationship and always try my best to remove the wrong facts…

    Adam Smith.

    =============

    For a perfect date click:- Dating Websites and UK Dating Websites.

    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Kylep

    Communication is important in any relationship. It also can be difficult in the beginning of any relationship not just for ADDers to do. (you might not want to hurt feelings, give the wrong impression and blah blah blah) That said, you need to communicate (how many times have I typed that word already). You not only need to share what is in your head and heart but you must listen to hers as well to see if you both are on the same page in the same book or at least same chapter. Ahhh but wait… It sounds like you spend a lot of time with your girl and for some that is very kewl. Others need there “me” space. I for one love together time. I for some reason can be playful but serious when needed. But because of my shortcomings it is nice to have a crutch<my biggest problem> there sometimes oh OK most of the time. Someone that I can lean on but not control me. IMHO I have a lot to offer but it comes with a price…and because of all my struggles I can be actually quite understanding of others sometimes to a fault. The way the world is today and all the opportunities and distractions afforded us because of its ease of access and openness weather real or perceived can present challenges to a relationship no matter the stage it is at. ADD or not. I commend you for your strength in keeping quiet and letting her reach out to you it kinda shows she does care and you have some ability of control. NOT LIKE ME …

    1st dates ,,, Hey let me fix everything in your home, offer good conversation on life’s challenges and adventures, eat dinner together that I can prepare or I can clean up and take the garbage out or both and let’s sleep together (no! we do not have to have sex I just like holding ya and smelling your womanly scents and feeling your heart beat) and so on and so on…Oh and please help me run and manage my business, as all I ask is you handle all the administrative tasks involved in it LOL is that all.. OH by the way EVERYDAY! no leash I need a chocker. Just point and push me and I will always come back sometimes late sometimes early but I will come back. If the other needs me time, No problem just leave me a to do list in order of need and it’s done. DO not let me wonder make the list 30 pages. So what, I will stay awake for 5 days straight and you will have the home you always wanted and I will have companionship Oh BTW if u want to help great if not no problem and when I am done if you want me to go to the ballet or rock climbing I am there just again point and click and to be honest I am very happy that way.. Oh but when u want sex make sure you have the condemns cauze I cant even find the wallet where mine is…… IKESSSS Hey its the truth….

    OK now as a “Doggie” lover myself but a realist. I know how the pups can be magnets and often the product of impulse buying YA THINK but did you guys discuss all that needed to be discussed re the Dog Food, Vet, taking care of while other away, sharing of the wiggle waggle if the hand holding of the relationship ended. or is it just I dare say “understood”…….. because in the beginning of a relationship heck anywhere in a relationship misunderstandings occur and it is often because of mis-communication or no communication. So before either of you get attached it might be a good conversation to have and if you handle it right you may be able to use examples of your feelings in the relationship with her in explaining your feelings towards the dog…. Hey woman no hate mail I am just trying to get these 2 to communicate. Heck this dog sounds so cute I would have the dog listed first in the pre-nup hehehe.

    Please kylep keep us up to date as this is better than any reality show on tv and I can figure out all the things I do wrong.

    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Right on NJ, well while she’s been gone we’ve talked a couple of times on the phone and txted each other several times. Whenever we talk on the phone now it seems kind of awkward. I told her about me being upset yesterday and she thought maybe my meds were wrong and said i needed to go tot he doctor (cause I was so emotional) I told her I was fine and I’d just went to the DOC last friday. Basicly to make a long story short, i told her I was acting the way i was because I was in love with her and that I couldnt carry on any longer without her knowing and that if I’d stay quiet about it without removing myself from her life we’d never be able to salvage a friendship. She said she was glad to hear why finally (since its been going on for 3 weeks now. That was when she was real snappy at me and yelled a couple times w/o being provoked. Kind of like she was taking something out on me. You know kind of like how gf’s do with bf”s? Anyways, she said she’d be home at 4 and to leave the key for her. I told her i’d just pack my things and i’d take them to work instead of going back to her house, I figured 3 days on a train would make her want to be alone w/ the dogs for a while w/o me. She got mad and told me that if she could punch me she would, that was yesterday and we didnt speak again until today. She txt. me and said she needed me to stay another day, their train is now getting in at 12am. i’m so frustrated with the train and i’m not even on it right now. her eta has changed 5 times in 2 days. i’ve made cancled and made plans and cancled them again. Seriously. Well tonight i guess i’m going back to the house. I dont work on sundays (although I do on saturday) so I guess I might be awake still. I havent decided if I was going to wait up for her or if i’d just go to bed hoping she’d wake me and want to crawl in to snuggle or some junk (hey i can hope and dream) on the other hand, yes she’s been traveling for the past 3 days on a train, then a nice car ride from chicago to indianapolis at 12 am. If it were me, i’d just want to crawl into bed. so yeah the alternative is for me to stay up try to avoid the talk, and then let her go to bed, I take the spare bed, or just stay up all night. I havent decided yet. I know what I want to do but its not my decission. So yeah thats that. we’ll see how it goes tonight.

    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Kylep,

    OK you said and shared a lot. I can only imagine what must be going (racing) thru your mind. Strong suggestion… Take that breathe .If u made plans for tonight KEEP them. I think you are right and you should let her unwind from the trip. She will be there tomorrow…For sure… and when she is refreshed then it might be a great idea to take the pups for a walk together and chat about what is on both of your minds. Communicate with her and let her speak her mind as well. Keep your ears and heart open be honest and let her be also. Take it from one that has made many of mistakes mainly for rushing and not looking at the whole picture. DUHHH I would hate anyone to make the same rash mistakes based upon emotions only of the heart instead of including the brain also. (Although my brain was so hard wired it really would not been much help any way). I wish you Luck but remember even though you may not think so tomorrow is another day and it will come and if it is meant to be you will share it with a special friend and if not tomorrow there is also a day after that as well (there is i checked the calendar). Best of luck ……..

    Anonymous
    Inactive

    I think there are some people that can handle open relationships well, but those people are few and far between.

    Many, many people are insecure. And being insecure in an open relationship…sounds like a recipe for disaster, to me. I have a lot of respect for people that are in open relationships, because that shows a great deal of trust. But I could never do it, because I’d always get paranoid that another woman would be sexier than me, better at things than me, etc…. I’d always be instinctively making mental comparisons.

    The “open” or “not open” status of a relationship (if it’s in question) is something that needs to be firmly understood and accepted by both people, and discussed with a lot of seriousness. There always need to be firm boundaries, that match what the two people can tolerate/need.

    (I’ve known various people in open relationships…and observed various levels of success. :S )

    Anonymous
    Inactive

    well everything is set into motion at full speed now. the deteration of our relationship is all most complete and now its starting to eat away at our friendship or at least thats how I see it. We put an end to any chance we’d ever have of ever taking our relationship part any further. I was re-asured that she’d never leave me and that she’d always be in my life, that I was a bigger part of her life, and meant more to her than any boyfriend ever could and that she’d always love me as a friend.

    Well its good that the events saturday night went down the way they did, I guess it was what I needed to see the picture. She had txted me and asked if id stay another day with the dogs, I agreed and later that night after work went back to the house. I hung out with the guys and at around 11 got a txt from her asking if i was going to stay or if she was taking me home. I told her it was up to her what I was doing, whether she wanted company or to take me home, she was the one that had been on a train for 3 days, so I figured letting her decide would be nice. She said I could stay if I wanted but a friend of hers was stopping by to hang out, she put in parenthisis that she tried to tell him no but he insisted. I took this as her boyfriend was comming over, he was excited to see her and would come anyways, depsite the fact that I was there or she asked him not to if in fact she did. I wrote her back told her no I’d just go home. This was all in a matter of 15 minutes and at 16 she wrote back and had forgotten that 15 minutes prior offered to take me home. “how am I driving you?” I told her she said she would, she agreed later, and then i thought about the whole thing, I told her not to worry about it, i’d take a cab so that she wouldnt have to leave, since she just got home, and she could spend time with her boyfriend. She didnt seem to understand that I was upset at the time and responded with an inquesitive “ok?” I told her that i had called my friend steve to pick me up, explained that if he couldnt stay away even though she asked that maybe it wasnt a good idea that i stayed overnigt. I was pretty upset by then and all kinds of adrenaline was flowing, i had drank 2 5 cup pots of coffee and wasnt in any condition to be happy. It wasnt until she got there that I broke down and started to cry. We never yelled at each other, we never argued, it was me crying, and her re-asuring me that everything would be ok and that we were closer than we ever had been and that we’d be friends forever. I had told her before that its never that way for me when this happens and that we’d stop talking so much at first. That we’d say that it was for me so I could get over her, and then eventually enough time would pass and her memories of me would fade, that i wouldnt seem so important after a while, that the amount of time we talked and interacted would stay that way, and slowly fade and decrease. I told her that eventually we would only communicate through emails and short phone calls once every couple of months, that no matter how much I tried to call or email, or set plans to hang out we never would.

    She’s such a sweet girl for trying to cheer me up and re-asure me that these things wont happen but the reality here folks is that on a graph that is the trend I follow in my relationships. I try to stay friends and it never happens, the most loved people in my life leave like those before and all i’m left with is memories and another broken heart to talley up on my arm.

    After Steve got there we took off and headed back to his apartment, he was trying to cheer me up and I just couldnt keep it together. I was crying and texting all night and finally I realized it was 1am and had to stop. I asked her if we could talk later when neither of us were with company as we were both bering rude as a guest and to our guests. I never got a response and we’ve only spoken via text on subjects such as where did you put my keys, Check by the DVD’s oh I found them, Where did I put them? by the dvds, Oh wait I remember you put them there before you left I wasnt hiding them, stuf like that. I asked how the dogs were and never got a reply.

    Like I said its been communicated that we will always be friends but its already starting to disolve. Verbal communication failed, parties involved resorting to non verbal communication. Eventually we wont talk at all.

    It sucks because just a year ago we were insepperable even as friends. We were such good friends that to the rest of the world we were a great couple, to the rest of the world we were together but in our eyes we were only friends. I guess when the trend stated to grow and time passed I even got to the point where I believed it as well. I admit that at some point in time I gave up on trying to keep the barriers up. I gave in and allowed her into my heart. I thought that yeah we dont have to put a label on this thing, we can just keep going on like this, we get closer and closer all the time, eventually it will just happen. I thought that she was in the same place. Everytime we’d ever talk about “us” it was always a matter of us being friends and us just continuing on like we were, overly close, friends, obsessivly close. I guess i’m the one with OCD though.

    I’d love to be able to say something like i’m glad this has happend and maybe one day Ill be able to appreciate whats happened. It just sucks right now as it always does, but hey at least I made it out of bed today! Now I just gotta get a really cute Kala Pocket Ukulele to jam on downtown to pick up girls. (heh, I wish I was that cool)

    Oh I guess on that note, it really sucks because I guess if she was into me she’d be my ideal girl, my sould mate if you could well if she could.

    I dont find people who I share much in common with, i’m a bit of a sociopath, a bit sadistic sarcastic jaded, heart broken,and bitter at the world. I’m an emo kid from way back and looks like i’ll always be that way. when I first met her and even as time went on the more I saw she and I had in common and the more I came to think that her and I being friends would grow, how could we have so much in common and not?

    I’m sitting here in starbucks on my second refil (its ok they’re free) sitting on the couch by the window, the sunlight is shinning through in large rectangular rays illuminating a large portion of my fleece that I have on. On my arm a random patern of shed dog hair transfers the red and golden spectrums of photons to my eye reminding me of the owner of the; his name is Dug.

    If in fact this is to make me a stronger person in life, I wonder as to where I will grow stronger? Will my barriers to keep love out of my life harden, will my character be toughened and calused. Will I gain wisdom by this, so for next time I wont make the same mistakes, or will I just simply continue to walk down the road I have been, vulnerable to those who see my pass by.

    Its my oppinion that I will be tougher to get to, it’ll be harder to reach my heart, i’d like to think that I wont let anyone in.

    I was talking to my sister about this and on that side note let me run off on a ramble, I appreciate everyone who has ever talked to me about my stupid life, given me advice, tried to councel me on it. Nice. seriously, but back to what I was saying and I’ll just end with this. I was talking to my sister and she told me I should buy a new dog. I told her the reasons why I couldnt and ended our conversation with happiness shouldnt be so difficult.

    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Stella

    I just wanted to share with those intersted the photographs that I took of the dogs over the course of the last 10 days with them. They are great photographs but dont tell my story. I normaly try to involve myself somehow when it comes to my own personal emotional journey (duh) I have some photos with just my hand, my feet or my leg in the shot that I dont think I ever posted any of. These are a mixture of the back yard and the livingroom. Certain memories were just too hard to document on my own while executing the task such as washing the dogs. I would have loved for Diana to be there to take a shot of me when I had Dug in the bath, Mowgli climbing up my back and sitting on my shoulders looking down at Dug like whats going on? I dont understand. It was really a great time and something i’ll take with me for the rest of my life. I’m still sad as you would expect but not having contact for the past couple of days has helped. Today I work again and I think she is on the schedule as well. We’re professionals at what we do so there will be no problems that I can foresee. I just hope that we can still have fun and laugh like we used to when we were just friends w/o me mucking it up.

    Anywyas, enjoy the photographs, and thanks for looking, listening, reading, and advising.

    Anonymous
    Inactive

    My recent discovery of how ADD has affected my life comes in the middle of a long road of self-discovery. My successes on the road include being sober from alcohol and cigarettes, correcting my sleep pattern, calming down, and thinning out my hectic work life. The current struggle for me is getting past my desire to have an open relationship with my wife of 19 years (my second wife). She does not want that, and I would like to figure out for myself why I want that, or to what degree I want it.

    The discovery of ADD is helping, as it is explaining my life-long need for acceptance by others, particularly women. May I recommend the book I am currently reading (which I’m going to finish, by golly!) by Dr. Gabor Mate, entitled “Scattered Minds: A new look at the origins and healing of ADD.” Although I have not read anything yet which I would call bad advice, I would say that Mate’s advice is extra good for me, as he delves very deeply into the roots of all neurological disorders. The thing that really hits home for me is his explanation of infant attunement and attachment with the primary caregivers. Mate also addresses this topic in his equally excellent book, “In the Realm Hungry Ghosts,” which is about addiction. I can see so clearly that my mother would have had difficulties receiving my infantile requests for attunement, and that my search for same has continued in every relationship I’ve ever had, be they long-term or one night.

    I am friends with my last extra-marital lover (no sexual involvement for 2 years), and that situation remains a sore spot in my marriage. However, as I learn more about myself and how and why I respond to women, I am understanding how to make a significant shift in my actions and thoughts about my emotions. I am becoming more in touch with my internal processes and am trying to not blame the way I feel on the outside world. I am also becoming to realize that I have created an attachment with my wife which is a worthy thing, and that I can continue to grow that relationship forever. I also realize that the feelings I have for other women are valid but can be acted upon in safe, respectful and legitimate ways that can guarantee me life-long friends AND a life-long partner.

    I appreciate this topic being raised.

    Anonymous
    Inactive

    I just call myself clingy but yes Roy you are right, there are reasons why I interact and react to people in the way I do. Aceptance is one reason expecially from women. I fall into the same pattern no matter what. I’ve dated people and not been that too into them but enough to date, and eventually find myself disllking the person and moving in with them after a month.

    I’ve kind of given up on relationships I’ve got very little confidence left and my self esteem is a bit frail. I dont think I could even take a rebound right now. So until Im able to stand strong enough again, I’ll just stick to playing music and being myself. I hate to be so selfish but if no one likes it they can pretty much eat my ukulele.

    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Tonight Diana and I ended our friendship outside of work. As far as work pertains, I’m sure we will continue to comunicate but only on a profressional level that only pertains to work related topics. Its unfortunate. I’ll miss her as I already do. I’ve accepted whats happend as its occured in my life before. I’m ok and am taking it quite well. I guess having it made up in my mind that history would as it does repeat its self. I communicated that I would always continue to be available as a friend for someone to laugh and cry with, someone to complain with, someone to hang out with or hate. I told her its not my decission but I accept it as since its not my decission and have no control over it. Its the only thing I can do.

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