Re: non ADD partners

[Anonymous]

Hi Mofo, welcome a-board……..I tend not give advice, it’s not my place to tell another what is right or wrong, nor is it for me to tell another how to live or what choices to make. I can share my own experiences, and if there is something in my sharing for you to use, please….do so.

Here goes….

My experience tells me, interpersonal issues (couples or otherwise) can present themselves regardless of ADD or Linear brain processing. How we process information, plus the differences in the way we process information, and/or the differences in our perspectives can possibly exacerbate existing issues, but may (and I say may) not be the root cause of conflict in themselves. Almost all of my fiends are divorced, some multiple times…and they are non-ADD.

I am married (61)……. to the same linear partner for approximately 38 years. It has not always been a cake walk, but, here we are 38 years later, so I got a few relationship stories to share!! One few things that I have learned is changing my-self was extremely difficult, it took years……… another thing I learned……changing another was next to impossible. I can only change me……if I work hard, i have a strong desire to change, and I’m diligent………maybe I can succeed.

Here is an interesting little parable……I keep close, it speaks volumes to me about relationships. Say…. someone rolls up a ball of shit….and throws it at me, (my partner maybe). I catch it, cause I’m good at catching!! I look down at my hands and shirt and say angrily, jeez, this is a ball of shit. Now I’m mad and it’s on!!!. So I re-roll the shit into a ball and throw it back at the person. They in turn catch the ball of shit ( their angrier now )and throw it back…….you see where this is going. I used to be a pro at this!!! I’ve since learned (over time) when somebody throws a ball of shit at me……it’s in my best interest to simply side-step it, and let it go speeding harmlessly by. You know……I found that response much better for me, I’m not covered in shit, I’m not pissed off and….and ….and…it’s just better all around.

Similarly, people I have spoken with (for the most part) also seem to have a common thread….they operate in patterns. I don’t know if this applies to your situation or not but…..folks in relationships seem to prefer to operate predictably, good or otherwise. For instance one person in the relationship says something…the other twigs to it immediately. Their spider sense go up, their antenna bristle and they are ready for the dance…..each knows where the others buttons are and, the button pushing begins. This activity is well choreographed, and well practiced, and at can escalate to very hurtful levels, each raising the anti with each button push. My understanding (as limited as it is), or what works for me, is for ME to change my behavior. I found in time, if I stay diligent and don’t engage ….. the good old predictable pattern falls apart. Life changes. My biggest challenge was to keep my mouth shut…not to engage. I had to dis-engage in a non-controlling way, not a hurtful way, but with care and empathy and love. Simple to say……hard to do. A hug when another is anxious, a kiss maybe when they are coming unwrapped???? It can elicit quite a different response. A simple ‘give me sometime to think about this”, i found is also fair ball….but always with love and caring, never with an ulterior motive….that is coercive and controlling. If nothing changes…nothing changes….and all I can change is me.

Anyway that my modus operandi…….it works for me………38 years and two grown kids later.

toofat

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