non ADD partners

[Anonymous]

i wasn’t sure where to place this post so i just added it here.

my husband is ADD and younger than me,i wonder if that combo is just too much for me. I love him very much but he won’t do anything to manage his ADD. He is sarcastic,hurtful and distant. When he is “up” he is so loving and the man i married.

it seems like we go down the same time every year,around spring into summer,when he works full time. I am trying hard to

A) keep track of the time and reason for the drop

read as much as i can so as not to blame myself for his reactions.

this website has really helped me to focus on how his brain works and sorta why…. I am not so hurt anymore but still there are days when i just want to scream at him to get out!!

just today he called me looking for a phone number,it wasn’t where he said it was,so as punishment to me,he didn’t come home but went directly to the place he wanted the number for.Punishment is my word not his, i feel like i am always being punished when i don’t get something right… and he will intentionally inflict some kind of action he knows will hurt me.We don’t see a lot of each other lately,he works nights ,me days and so he knows i want to see him and he will avoid me if hes ticked off…. Good and bad i guess,that way we don’t fight but i feel so disconnected from him… anyone else have these issues or advice??

thanks, my new pals.

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[kc5jck]

Hi again,

I’m just guessing, but I would say that if he is off his meds, he may be thinking that its not him but you, me, and the rest of the world that has changed. Its like someone with a slight fever. Its not them, its the room that’s too hot – or too cold. He may see himself “still the same.” He is using himself as his “frame of reference” for normal behaviour, just as the person with a fever is using themself as a reference as to what is too hot or too cold..

He should probably get back on his meds before he screws up everything really badly.

You might try to find out why he is reluctant to take his meds and reason with him, but I would guess that you will have to enlist help from other friends to convince him of his change in behavior. One data point isn’t going to do it for him.

Presently, he may be thinking that you are the one that has changed and be perplexed as to why.

Does this at all sound valid or make any sense?

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[Anonymous]

Hi Mofo, welcome a-board……..I tend not give advice, it’s not my place to tell another what is right or wrong, nor is it for me to tell another how to live or what choices to make. I can share my own experiences, and if there is something in my sharing for you to use, please….do so.

Here goes….

My experience tells me, interpersonal issues (couples or otherwise) can present themselves regardless of ADD or Linear brain processing. How we process information, plus the differences in the way we process information, and/or the differences in our perspectives can possibly exacerbate existing issues, but may (and I say may) not be the root cause of conflict in themselves. Almost all of my fiends are divorced, some multiple times…and they are non-ADD.

I am married (61)……. to the same linear partner for approximately 38 years. It has not always been a cake walk, but, here we are 38 years later, so I got a few relationship stories to share!! One few things that I have learned is changing my-self was extremely difficult, it took years……… another thing I learned……changing another was next to impossible. I can only change me……if I work hard, i have a strong desire to change, and I’m diligent………maybe I can succeed.

Here is an interesting little parable……I keep close, it speaks volumes to me about relationships. Say…. someone rolls up a ball of shit….and throws it at me, (my partner maybe). I catch it, cause I’m good at catching!! I look down at my hands and shirt and say angrily, jeez, this is a ball of shit. Now I’m mad and it’s on!!!. So I re-roll the shit into a ball and throw it back at the person. They in turn catch the ball of shit ( their angrier now )and throw it back…….you see where this is going. I used to be a pro at this!!! I’ve since learned (over time) when somebody throws a ball of shit at me……it’s in my best interest to simply side-step it, and let it go speeding harmlessly by. You know……I found that response much better for me, I’m not covered in shit, I’m not pissed off and….and ….and…it’s just better all around.

Similarly, people I have spoken with (for the most part) also seem to have a common thread….they operate in patterns. I don’t know if this applies to your situation or not but…..folks in relationships seem to prefer to operate predictably, good or otherwise. For instance one person in the relationship says something…the other twigs to it immediately. Their spider sense go up, their antenna bristle and they are ready for the dance…..each knows where the others buttons are and, the button pushing begins. This activity is well choreographed, and well practiced, and at can escalate to very hurtful levels, each raising the anti with each button push. My understanding (as limited as it is), or what works for me, is for ME to change my behavior. I found in time, if I stay diligent and don’t engage ….. the good old predictable pattern falls apart. Life changes. My biggest challenge was to keep my mouth shut…not to engage. I had to dis-engage in a non-controlling way, not a hurtful way, but with care and empathy and love. Simple to say……hard to do. A hug when another is anxious, a kiss maybe when they are coming unwrapped???? It can elicit quite a different response. A simple ‘give me sometime to think about this”, i found is also fair ball….but always with love and caring, never with an ulterior motive….that is coercive and controlling. If nothing changes…nothing changes….and all I can change is me.

Anyway that my modus operandi…….it works for me………38 years and two grown kids later.

toofat

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[Anonymous]

Thanks guys,your words mean a lot to me. i read all i can,but some days are just too much and reading what you’ve written really helps.

his excuse for not taking his meds right now is they are too expensive…. but yet he spends his money on everything else. i shall continue to reach out to all of you for support and encouragement!! again,thanks so very much

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[Anonymous]

Hi everyone! I’m new to this website. A friend of mine actually found it and suggested it to me. I’m newly married (8 months now) and my husband has a severe case of ADHD. Lately we have been fighting a lot and after reading this forum I have to say that *toofat, you really hit the nail on the head I think with your advice. That it is up to ME to change MY behavior. I am in control of me and only me. The both of us are very stubborn and lets just say our arguments can get very heated (verbally). toofat, your advice also on a hug or a kiss is such a great way to try and handle a situation or potential situation. Or when my husband starts to come unwrapped as you say.

Also mofo, my husband is younger than me as well (by 5 years) and I think that is a factor at times as well. I am also feeling really disconnected from my husband lately and all we seem to do is argue, whether it is something he did to make me upset, or me just being negative.

Good luck to you and I am definitely going to keep on this website and reach to all of you for support. I am also going to try toofat’s ideas as I think they are an excellent beginning to living a less stressful life Thanks everyone!

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[Amy]

Definitely read “Is It You, Me, or Adult ADD?” if you are having relationship problems (or even if you are not having relationship problems!) if you are in a relationship with an ADDer. It’s a great book.

Amy

http://acatwithadhd.com

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