Needing to make others feel good at your own expense?

[phoenixmagicgirl]

I saw a post by wolfshades about the need to make others happy at your own expense…I do this a lot! doas anyone here have any advice as to how to break this cycle? Thank you.

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[MarieAngell]

@phoenixmagic, I have been guilty of this. This is something I’ve tried to think constructively about since my ADD diagnosis several years ago. This habit is deep and multi-tentacled, digging in deeper once I had children.

In what specific ways do you put the happiness of others before your own happiness?

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[trashman]

I to can relate, and I am also guilty of this. when thinking of this I  can see it in so many of my choices.

 

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[Patte Rosebank]

The easiest way to fall into this trap is by immediately saying “Yes” to every request for you to do something.

We’re so keen to please other people and be liked by them, that we don’t want to upset them by saying, “No”.  So, we take on way too much, get overwhelmed, and disappoint them (and ourselves) even more, by failing to deliver on what we’d promised.

We need to teach ourselves that it’s better to say, “I can’t let you know right now.  I’ll have to get back to you.”  Then, write down their request and set a date to get back to them with your answer.

This “space cushion” gives you time to assess your situation.  If you really are too busy to be able to take on the project, then, when you call the person back, be honest with them and say, “I’m really sorry, but I’m just too busy to do this.”

If they try to talk you into it, tell them that it’s better for them to find someone else to do it now, than for them to be left in the lurch at the last minute because you couldn’t finish it after all.

Of course, this is yet another example of something that’s easier in theory than in practice.  So it will take a LOT of practice to become a habit!  (I’m still working on that.)

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[phoenixmagicgirl]

Thank you to @Larynxa for your advice.

 

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[Patte Rosebank]

@phoenixmagic, you’re very welcome!

(Actually, I learned it from Rick, so thank you, @Rick too!)

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[Phil, Just Phil.]

Yes @Rick is a wise old man (lol).  I have been trying to Dom this one a bit more as well and I find  it helpful to continually remind myself WHY I can’t just say yes to everything.  No doubt it is an uncomfortable thing to say no to someone, not sure how they will wheel, not wanting to let them down, etc… but remember that if you say yes to it all then you set Yourself up to disappoint even more by not delivering, this is much worse.

Try the old trick they blame on our public service workers here, under promise and over deliver.  If you think it will take an hour, say 2 or 2.5, then if you do it in 45 minutes because you hyperfocussed you will look like a superstar (or you can add some padding at the end to make it seem like it took an hour or so). That way when you aren’t in the superman zone and it does take you longer it isn’t as much of an embarrassment.  (Kinda stolen from ADD and Mastering it regarding issues with estimating time, think the scene with the toys on the bench for twise who have seen it.)

Anyway, @Larynxa pretty much hit it, but that would be my 2cents.

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[Fabulous]

Oh, definitely. I wish I had some advice but I am still struggling with this one. And it is all tangled up in  perseverance too. Depression (guilt, remorse) makes it worse.

 

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[MarieAngell]

@phoenixmagic, is saying yes too much the main thing affecting you? For me, I stopped saying yes to everything long before I knew I had ADD.

Not unrelated but slightly different is a habit I developed long ago of doing nice but totally unnecessary things for people without them asking, which might sound lovely, but which had the effect of adding to my overwhelm.

Far more destructive has been a lifelong caution about the feelings of others, not always expressing directly when something was bothering me or not wanting to upset or disturb people. I’m not talking about common courtesy or concern here.  But taking extreme care, even agonizing at times, over how I would phrase a complaint or, more often, keeping my mouth shut about really troubling things.

Another “pleasing” problem that has plagued me, especially with my kids, has been the desire to provide them with some idealized vision of an experience (usually not a material thing) generally beyond their expectations, eating up tons of time and mental energy.

So, is saying yes too much the only problem facing any of you? Because, if that’s the case, you’re awfully lucky.

 

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[Fabulous]

Yes, MarieAngell, you hit the nail on the head. It goes way beyond saying yes to requests. It’s pervasive and multifaceted and for me includes a tendency to become overcommitted in a combination of work, community service with non profit organizations, and personal responsibilities — many of which I contrive all on my own!

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[phoenixmagicgirl]

@MarieAngell, the first two things you mentioned- 1. doing nice but unnecessary things for people and 2. not always expressing directly how I felt, (although I have gotten much better at this over the years, using “I” language has/is very helpful!) is something I struggle with.

 

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[MarieAngell]

@Phoenixmagic, I’ve done pretty well with getting a handle on all of the things I’ve mentioned,except I’m not good in group situations where something is really causing a problem and I need to speak up. I’m improving, but that’s still a challenge.

A lot of these people-pleasing behaviors for me are at least partly strategies for fitting in and not knowing where the line is drawn regarding social skills.

 

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[Patte Rosebank]

My dad and brother both hold degrees in Urban & Regional Planning.  So, I’m well-versed in how to effectively complain about a problem, so something can be done about it.

Instead of just complaining, present the problem, the causes, and possible solution(s).  That way, it’s clear that you’re not just being cranky; you’ve given this a lot of thought, and there are reasons AND possible ways to fix the problem.

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[Chica]

I totally identify with this insecure reflex to do for others and smooth things over. Surely a big part of ADD for many, and presumably full of psychological meaning – especially for the late diagnosed.

Whatever the reason, I think just slowing yourself down in conversation to figure out the practicalities is all that is required. Justifying yourself is not necessary, and the fact that you might want to is kind of the red flag that you need to think differently about yourself, and perhaps look twice at what was actually asked for.

Double checking what I have been asked for always reduces what I think I have to do A LOT, but also tends to shorten the time I have to get it done A LOT.

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[MarieAngell]

@Larynxa, LOL, there’s my problem:  I should have gotten degrees in Urban & Regional Planning instead of Accounting.

 

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