Needing to make others feel good at your own expense?

[Patte Rosebank]

No, you shouldn’t have.  There just aren’t enough jobs out there for planners.

My brother spent years trying to get a job in planning, after he got his BURP (Bachelor of Urban & Regional Planning).

Finally, he gave up and went into I.T., then worked his tail off to get an MBA, and then became a Business Analyst in the I.T. division of one of the big banks.

But, when Dad got his degree, it was the early 1960s, and planners were very much in demand!

Universities really need to stop churning out way too many people with degrees in fields that already have way too many qualified people for the number of available jobs.

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[ashockley55]

I struggle with this a LOT too.  It’s comforting to know that I’m not alone in this with my fellow ADD’ers.

I’ve wondered if the constant ruminating over social/relationship issues met the level of an anxiety disorder – generalized anxiety, perhaps social anxiety (although I take the latter to indicate more of a problem with strangers, which I also have).

In ANY case *ahem*, it does cause a fair amount of worry and stress, and we all know what worry and stress do.  They wear you out.  They make you increasingly vulnerable to more emotional stress, and physical illness.

Right now, for example, I have a cold, so I’m feeling particularly worn out.

Which, actually, is helping with my worry and perfectionistic (social and otherwise, because, isn’t being always socially reliable a form of perfectionism?) obsessions.

I’ve done a lot of “Agghhh, to heck with it” today, and without the usual guilt.  The sore throat, the fatigue, have necessarily slowed me down and forced me to take care of myself.

I turned down a neighbor who wanted me to come eat some of her chicken salad.

I didn’t go to an event that I had planned on going to and had said I would go to.

Instead, I sat and rested and watched television.  I had some soup, and many many pieces of hard candy.

Here’s something that might help.  The next time one of us feels that twinge of guilt that we’re turning someone down, or disappointing someone in some way, we should check what we’re thinking THEY’RE thinking in our heads.

Usually, I tend to think in extremes when I try to imagine how someone else might respond to me expressing something I don’t usually express (like “No” or “I don’t like that” or “I don’t want to).  I imagine up scenarios of them becoming very angry, or hating me, abandoning me.

But, 1) Those reactions are highly unlikely, in fact.

2) Despite (or because of) my usual sensitivity to what others are thinking, I can not really truly actually read others’ minds.  Yes, I am perceptive.  But I am also highly pessimistic.

3) Even if they do hate me or abandon me, does that mean that I have lost all hope for the rest of my life?  I’ve been abandoned before.  I’m resiliant, I can be resiliant again.  I can make new friends, etc.  People like me very easily because I’m a kind, funny person.  Maybe I do have some issues to work on, but I am working on those.

Those are the things I try to tell myself when I’m struggling with being honest, with disappointing someone.  I’m not always successful.  I do a lot of worrying, and I do a lot of stuff that I don’t want to do, but I’m trying to find my way and balance it out and take care of me.

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[Fabulous]

Thank you, guys, for giving me the strength I needed to quit my book club, which was gripping me in its steel claws of perceived personal responsibility. I feel instantly lighter!

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[MarieAngell]

@ashockley55, amen. Sounds very familiar. Although I’m doing far better with all the  “reading people’s minds,” those thoughts are the default position of my brain.

Feels so good to let some of that go! Can I get a hallelujah, @Fabulous?

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[Fabulous]

Halle-freakin-lujah!!!

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[sdwa]

I have a hard time saying no, and a history of attracting weird friends I feel compelled to rescue, probably because it feels safer to be around people who seem to need me or appear more desperate or damaged.

Not good.

Lately, I am just not being social. I have my immediate family, and don’t reach out beyond it. The outcomes are never good. I feel overwhelmed in the presence of others, even if they have no expectations.

Not saying no is manipulative. The search for approval is manipulative. At times encouragement and support are very hard to come by, though, so it seems natural to move in that direction, even if it is unhealthy.

It’s easier to just not get involved in social situations, as I end up tired, overwhelmed, confused, anxious, and feel inadequate. If I’m going to be a source of disappointment, why set myself up for that?

The other dynamic involves the way I can get motivated by external triggers – such as when someone else has a need, crisis, etc. – but have a much harder time getting motivated on my own behalf.

I can’t be an ambulance driver or a fire fighter, but that’s the type of mentality I have.

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[MarieAngell]

@sdwa, it took me a long time after I got my diagnosis to begin breaking the cycle of trying to rescue weird friends (almost always unsuccessfully). Then I began to withdraw socially for the exact same reasons you’ve given.

I’m just recently dipping my toe into the social pool, very cautiously. In the mindfulness webinar last night, @Rick talked about using mindfulness to take a pause when in those anxiety-infested social settings and I’m going to try doing that more.

So many of us are good in emergencies, maybe we should start a crisis response company.

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[Mary]

Don’t have the words at the moment, but lots of “head nodding” going on after reading this thread  ….  “People pleaser” doesn’t  cover everything mentioned here, but it’s what I’ve always called these impulses (compulsions?) in myself.

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[trashman]

true’er words have not been written. wow can I relate!! if I didn’t try to please people and still fail and get rejected!

 

 

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[Blue Yugo]

Author Christina Eckert describes it as the “Mother Teresa Syndrome”…taking on a second career trying to save people or make their lives better at your own expense.  Volumes can (and have) been written about people who burn themselves out trying to make others feel good.  The good news is, you have no obligation to continue the behavior if you find it sacrifices too much of your time, energy, and even sanity.

I had a therapist who helped me confront my own sacrificing my own happiness to make others happy.  She asked why I do it.  I said that I give into others because it seems rude not to try to make them happy.  She asked me, in regards to all those scenarios I was taken advantage of or over-burdened myself, “WHO is being rude there?”  I thought about it and was struck silent.  THEY were being rude for leeching off of me, using me, and guilt-tripping me into giving up my own time, energy, etc. just to please them.  “Who is being rude?” is my new filter I ask myself any time I feel tempted to give into those times that I feel my generosity is being taken advantage of.  I have the right to say “No” and if someone thinks it’s rude that I did so, they’re not a true friend.

That’s my watered down version of my own confrontation with having the “Mother Teresa Syndrome” as the one author calls it.  Reclaim your personal power.  Find the root cause as to why you feel compelled to make others happy at your expense and analyze it, script how you can stand up for yourself, and one day give it a try.  Hope my experience helps.

Viv

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[e123tu]

This is one of my big issues, too. I’ve finally made some significant progress on my people-pleasing behaviors, though, after many, many years of being a doormat for bullies at work. I’m still learning, though, and this thread has several great points for me that I’m going to try.

Here are some of the things that helped me:

– Write stuff down versus holding it in your head. Have a pad of paper and a pen everywhere you hang out, especially places where you tend to zone out and think about every issue under the sun. This way, you can avoid worrying that you will move on to new thoughts and forget these great concepts you have now.

– You have a right to make any request work for you. An example could be that your mom wants you to take time off of work to drive her to all of her medical appointments. You could say “yes.” You could say “no.” OR, you could ask Mom to schedule her appointments on Mondays, so that your entire work week isn’t put on hold.

– Similar to the advice that Cesar Milan gives to dog owners, use a “calm assertive” tone. The less emotion you bring to the conversation, the more others will respect your stance.

– Discuss ground rules when emotions are not high. When college dorm roommates move in together, they lay out ground rules so they can get along with minimal discord. You can discuss:1) Your decision to take on work that you can get done on time and well; as well as what your boss prefers you to get done before anything else; and
2) Agree upon how you will communicate with each other about things that may be problematic for you.

And, finally, it’s been extremely important and challenging for me to practice giving as little back-story as possible about how I’ve reached my decisions. The more I describe my thought process, the less confident the listener often becomes that I can deliver the work. Also, they will think they know me better than they actually do and give me less benefit of a doubt.

By telling my lengthy back story, it’s like I’m apologizing for taking up their space. It weakens me and opens me up to bullying.

I have some other thoughts that I might add a little later. Off to sleep at 6 in the morning as I’ve gone freelance and also somehow freed myself from the 24 hour clock.

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[e123tu]

OK, so here’s part two.

My therapist told me, before I was diagnosed with ADD, that it’s important to be totally, literally clear as possible about other people’s expectations of me. However, some of my “people” in my old office were impatient, moody and unpredictable. So, it was truly difficult for me to say, “Please clarify some things for me before I get started,” or “Help me to understand what is exciting about this project for you so that I can produce what you want.” Often I would just say yes in order to get as far away as I could from them as soon as possible.

After I started my own business, I became so much happier and more confident in my professional skills. My clients love me and I love them. However, I still had a big procrastination problem and would sometimes stay up all night to get something presentable to my clients for our mid-way meeting.

I found an ADD coach through this site, Totally ADD. (Thanks!) She was surprised as most people find her through referrals. Anyway, she gave me a big piece of the puzzle that my therapist had started filling in.

She told me that my number one priority in my work is communicating with my clients.

She said many ADDers try to hide from view until they have something good or even great to show their bosses/clients/parents, etc. This usually ends up with my being late, and the work isn’t precisely how they thought it would go.

She said they would rather hear about your progress and do mid-course corrections. If the project takes longer, they are there with you on that journey. I’ve found this to be PRECISELY TRUE! Plus, they are no longer worried about my ability to deliver something they can be proud of, so they are always very nice to me!!!

I once thought that conversing about the details of work was very scary (because my boss was scary), and now it’s become a way to cope with my fears. It’s a miracle of sorts. 🙂

 

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[e123tu]

Following up on the last paragraph I posted above, I’ve just found out that there is karma in the world. However, sometimes it’s less than instant.

My scary former boss has finally been shown the door, after 13+ years of gamesmanship, odd behavior and indirect bullying of many people who answered to her.

It’s really tough to be a people pleaser when the person you are trying to please keeps changing the rules, intentionally.

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