Reply To: My marriage

[kc5jck]

Knowing you have ADHD gives you a starting point.  But things won’t necessarily get better until both you and your wife understand what ADHD is and how it affects you.  Even then, it’s unlikely that either of you will fully understand how it affects your relationship even though you know it is causing a lot of problems.

You probable don’t understand fully how ADHD affects you.  It’s only after reading and studying about ADHD that I have realized how it affected me and that I needed to redefine what I had considered to be normal.

I have Orlov’s book The ADHD Effect on Marriage.  I’ve read some of it and need to go back and start over because I don’t remember any of it except her opening where she describes how each member of the couple typically feels in the marriage.  She’s spot on there where my wife and I are concerned.

I suggest you get the book, and unlike me, read it and make notes.  Get your wife to read it, or at least to discuss with you what you learn from it.  This may be just my opinion, but no amount of effort you can put in will make much difference unless your wife gets actively involved in learning about ADHD and its effects.  (It’s really better if she reads the book.  Otherwise she will probably think that you’re just making up all the stuff it says in order to try to justify yourself.)

Don’t feel bad about all the things (faults, problems) you list in your original post.  They are perfectly normal and quite common.  (for ADHD, that is)  You should not feel bad (don’t beat yourself up) about the collateral damage caused in the past by ADHD.  Doing so only means carrying around baggage that will keep you  from moving on as quickly as otherwise.

Please encourage your wife to become a member and ask questions or just rant and rave about her frustrations with you.  She will find a lot of support and information here for her as well.

Good luck.

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