My marriage

[lucky12b]

I’m very worried for my marriage. My wife has no more patience left. I have ADHD and don’t even realize how it effects her after I’ve been impulsive or oversee things the to name a few. I can see how hard it is for her. I’ve only recently fully owned “it” and now I see the collateral damage I’ve caused between us. I’m scared its too late and theres no repairing what I’ve done.

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[bigchi]

Maybe this book will help. I really like David Burns, I read his book “Feeling Good” it helped me a lot with some of my personal issues. His books give you tools to be able to work on issues. I haven’t read this particular book (I’m not married) but looking at the reviews it sounds like it will give you tools to help.

http://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-Together-Troubled-Relationships/dp/0767920821/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1386189544&sr=1-1&keywords=david+burns+relationships

Good luck!

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[Scattybird]

Hi lucky12b – I notice you say you are worried about your marriage. That’s better than saying it’s ruined, so hopefully you can both move forwards from here.  It sounds like you have been adjusting to having ADHD if you have recently started to ‘own it’.

Can you level with her and have a discussion about it or have things deteriorated beyond that? She needs to understand what things are like for you, but she won’t want to hear excuses, especially if she has run out of patience. I would think that if you can have an emotion- free discussion that would be a good start.

As bigchi said, read as much as you can. There are several books on relationships and ADHD, both of you need to learn about the issues together. Try to show her what she means to you.

I don’t really know what to advise – I just wanted to say good luck and open the lines of communication with her.

 

 

 

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[blackdog]

It’s a little hard to give advice on this one because only you know what will work. But you should probably start by having a talk about it. And apologize. Even if you’re not wrong.

Second, like the others said, get some books that both of you can read. Or look on line, watch some videos. It’s important for both of you to understand how the ADHD mind works and why you do the things you do.

And if it’s possible some counselling might be helpful, either individually or together. Just having someone else there to mediate your discussion and give you an outside perspective and maybe some different ideas that you wouldn’t come up with on your own.

And you have to “own it” as you said. That is a very good place to start, to recognize what you have done and how it has affected her. But be careful not to blame yourself and feel guilty about things that were beyond your control.

I have a huge problem keeping the house clean and organized. And I mean HUGE. And I feel really terrible about it. But now that I know that I have ADHD and I know why I have so much trouble keeping up with things I am able to deal with it a lot better. I have to take responsibility for it and figure out a way to deal with it, but I don’t have to blame myself. Letting go of the guilt makes it possible to move forward and start to make things better. I am learning why I do what I do and what I can do differently to make it better.

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[kc5jck]

Knowing you have ADHD gives you a starting point.  But things won’t necessarily get better until both you and your wife understand what ADHD is and how it affects you.  Even then, it’s unlikely that either of you will fully understand how it affects your relationship even though you know it is causing a lot of problems.

You probable don’t understand fully how ADHD affects you.  It’s only after reading and studying about ADHD that I have realized how it affected me and that I needed to redefine what I had considered to be normal.

I have Orlov’s book The ADHD Effect on Marriage.  I’ve read some of it and need to go back and start over because I don’t remember any of it except her opening where she describes how each member of the couple typically feels in the marriage.  She’s spot on there where my wife and I are concerned.

I suggest you get the book, and unlike me, read it and make notes.  Get your wife to read it, or at least to discuss with you what you learn from it.  This may be just my opinion, but no amount of effort you can put in will make much difference unless your wife gets actively involved in learning about ADHD and its effects.  (It’s really better if she reads the book.  Otherwise she will probably think that you’re just making up all the stuff it says in order to try to justify yourself.)

Don’t feel bad about all the things (faults, problems) you list in your original post.  They are perfectly normal and quite common.  (for ADHD, that is)  You should not feel bad (don’t beat yourself up) about the collateral damage caused in the past by ADHD.  Doing so only means carrying around baggage that will keep you  from moving on as quickly as otherwise.

Please encourage your wife to become a member and ask questions or just rant and rave about her frustrations with you.  She will find a lot of support and information here for her as well.

Good luck.

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[blackdog]

I like kc5jck’s idea of having your wife join TADD too. She can, like he said, ask questions and rant about whatever you have done recently to annoy her.

Of course, if you are both members, then you’ll have to watch what you say about each other. 😉

And once again, don’t beat yourself up. Can’t say that enough. It’s great that you recognize that you have done things that caused problems and hurt your marriage.  But it is really easy to drown in a sea of guilt and regret.  “Collateral Damage” is something we are all familiar with. But if you focus on the past you will never be able to move forward. You just have to let it go.

And apologize. Trust me,  those two little magic words can go a long way. My husband is very inconsiderate. He doesn’t mean to be and doesn’t realize that he is. But I would still like to hear a “sorry dear” once in awhile. 🙄

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[greentree]

Well hello all. This is green tree. Just started my jouney even though iv known I had add for many years  having worked with special needs kids specificaly for the last ten years. Anxiety has gotten the better of me to seek help at 55. As for the marriage my husband has been quiet a support over the years but not just recently through my diagnosis untill phycatrist app. I know he gets so frustrated having to say things over and over . I often feel its my fault but I contantly tell him I try my best and its not that I dont try. I know its hard for him but I feel the same too yet with added frustration that I carnt do it better, this is it for my short comings. He has added that there are parts of who I am with add that he had fallen in love with. Good luck with yours remember you carnt bet up over who you are. Its not done in malise. Sunshine days green tree.

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[kc5jck]

One of the results of having ADHD is a poor working memory.  Anything you want or need to remember has to get past it, which means it has to be refreshed several times.  This means you need to be reminded several times or perhaps write it down.

Poor working memory is also true upon reaching “advanced middle age.”  So at this point if one hasn’t got you, the other one will.  More likely, they are working in tandem.  So you are trying your best, it’s not your fault, and you shouldn’t feel guilty.

Think about exactly what problems you are having in this area and figure out some strategy to help compensate.  For instance, I use timers and alarms on my iPhone.  (Even if there was enough string in the world, I don’t have enough fingers.)

Another result of ADHD is getting interested in doing something else before you proof read posts to make sure they make sense.  I’m talking about my last three paragraphs.  🙂  Good luck, hope this makes some sense and is helpful.

 

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[blackdog]

Makes perfect sense to me, but that doesn’t necessarily mean much.

I am dreading the worsening of working memory as I get older. I never had much to begin with and now I am going to lose what I’ve got? How am I ever going to have some kind of a decent life?

I’m going to go and clean the kitchen, that’s how. Because I have got to get a grip and get things under control. Then I will be able to salvage what’s left of my life.

Right after I go take a nap.

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[Author]

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