Being Perfect and other lies I tell myself….

[deemarie1929]

I have embraced the diagnosis, I have rejected it.  I’ve tried drugs when I wasn’t ready and been unable to get them when I was.  I’ve been everywhere on pretty much every scale.

But here I am now.  I have some skills, I have some support, I have some knowledge and I still feel like it’s just never going to get any better.  I can’t get this idea of the perfect me out of my head and she haunts and kills my effectiveness.  Here’s how I got into the current mess:

I’m in a medical doctorate program, so it’s very structured.  Just started.  First quarter went fine.  Had some ADD bumps, but I think I learned my lessons on those things…appointments, calendars, official communications and what to pay attention to, what doesn’t have back up mechanisms.  My performance at school was not impressive by any means and I just got by on a couple things but I was learning the ropes (and I still had a social life!) 

So….this quarter I was going to be better.  I figured that first quarter was my paractice quarter and I’d take my B’s and just improve.  I’d make better study materials so passing The Boards at the end would be less stressful.  Thud, thud, plunk.  That’s how it’s gone so far.  The quest for perfection has made my days so difficult to face sometimes I don’t want to get out of bed.  The extra time I’m alloting to tasks is making me less effective.  I often study things now for twice as long and know half as much because I never get around to the real nitty gritty of MEMORIZING (because memorizing boring).  So I walk into these exams with a great topographic map of the material and no landmarks from whence to start.  Something like that.  Also, they gave me many weeks of breaks, which I was going to use to be perfect, which I really squandered wishing I could pay attention for a while so I could enjoy my vacation too…alas, I truly did neither.

Eventually I will have to take The Boards.  And it will be during the school year when I have other things going on.  I will need to be organized about it.  I’m not sure how this is all going to go down, but at least I felt like a fun ADD disaster first quarter, now I feel like a sad, lonely ADD disaster this quarter because there’s nothing worse than trying really hard and just failing over and over and giving up your friends and life to do so.

With all the weeks off persuing the same perfection and all the emotional turmoil, the truth is I’ve only taken one out of four of my exams for every class this quarter and I still have sufficent time to deal with this.  But I can’t go back with these lofty ideals of making study cards for every piece of information that I encounter.  Nor can I live in constant panic like the first quarter.  Urg.

 

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[bonnieihme]

Goodness you sound stressed, I suppose I was too when trying to be perfect 😉 #1 Breeeeeath, whew, feel better?

One of the best things I’ve learned is, there IS no perfect. It’s true and it’s ok. Trying your best is wonderful and admirable and it sounds like your heading into a wonderful career. I’m wondering if your under an ADHD doctors care right now. Had you found a medication which lowers your anxiety and helps you to concentrate and feel less overwhelmed? It can help your executive function and concentration so that the time you spend studying can become much more productive. Staying as organized as you can possibly be helps tremendously. I’ve never met one perfect person in my life and am pretty sure I never will. All we can do is the best we can and to learn how to function as well as we can. Your on the right track!!!

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