Reply To: What is it that I have as well as ADHD ?

[hum4n]

thanks Lindsey3 🙂

You have highlighted a significant part of what I’m working through, with the guidance/counsel of my doc/therapist. Self non-acceptance is a huge root cause of so much I have challenges with. When I got the ADHD diagnosis, everything I began to understand and realise brought in a huge amount of self acceptance. So you are absolutely spot on !

To answer your question. I suddenly began to write every day at the age of 17. This happened after I had a series of panic and anxiety attacks (2 of which I didn’t know what was happening and I thought I was dying and went to hospital.. I thought my heart was stopping). Before then, I was extrovert and impulsive… after that, I became introvert and shut down my impulsivity. I think that the reason I had all the anxiety and panic attacks, was related to the first 17 years.. where I experienced tons of mistreatment, abuse, judgement, labeling, marginalisation.. and in that time I always thought I could take whatever anyone wanted to throw at me.. I thought no one could get through. But I think internally I couldn’t take it. From 16 to 27, I didn’t have any relationships with girls.. even when I fell in love/felt heart and soul attraction. My self non-acceptance was in the form of seeing nothing inside me. Or something bad. That I couldn’t give to someone who I loved/liked. In that time, I was driven to see people who were in hopeless situations find hope.. and people who needed love, get loved….. I built my adult life around that… thinking it was the purpose of my life…… but I think that I’ve done that, because I thought it could never be for me, but when I saw it happen in other people, it let me taste that. Anyways… so for about 10 years I worked with homeless people, people with addictions, people in serious debt, kids, youth.. in many community based projects and charities. I walked alongside people living on the streets addicted to heroin, to seeing them off drugs, finding housing, jobs and being reunited with their families. And many stories.. and it was everything to me. I embraced the emptiness of not having anything “for me” that my heart longed for… because it felt like the most real thing to me. Even when real feels bad, it also feels safe in its certainty. That’s why I wonder about so many people in prisons… people with ADHD who get labeled bad so much.. and with a series of unfortunate circumstances and experiences, do something criminal… and they “own” that “I’m bad” character….. and the hope of letting go of that is repeatedly damaged.

After years of working with people… I realised I had no money, no “secure future”… so I pursued music. With a vision of creating a “creative production house; producing media which promotes and enhances the communication of positive messages and values in society”…

And I research and think constantly about philosophy… what’s going on in my surrounding world.. and within me…. to find messages to communicate.

But I realise now, I have been driven for the wrong reasons. But I can’t stop… It’s not built on self acceptance within me…… it’s built on self-nonacceptance.

I can’t even progress properly through ADHD treatment, because I am trying to road map every step of healing I make, so I can communicate that to someone else some day. I need to get out of the “hole” I’m stuck in…. which I can see the way out…….. but I can’t stop thinking about how I can help someone else out of what feels to them, like being stuck in a hole with no way out.

I am obsessed with this, to the point that it is a real disorder. And I don’t pretend it is honorable or good in itself…. I just need to find a way to focus on me. Anyways……… I’m packing up all of my studio equipment next month… and stopping everything for 6 months. I’m going to simplify everything, do gym, exercise, diet, sleep, meds every day… and therapy every 2 weeks… simplifying everything I can……….. I think it might bring up anxiety and panic attacks… which I haven’t had for 14 years….. but I think as I open those places inside me again… that could happen. That’s reminded me of an abstract song I made about 8 months ago… when I started to see what was happening in me.

When I make music, it’s always quirky. I have a limited window to create it in, before my hyperfocus drifts. So I usually spend 4 to 8 hours on something and make it up as I go. This is a track (linked) I made about the self acceptance. But it’s more of a dream… or a journey… than something I have really broken through in….. It always will be a journey, I know that. But I know there are monumental breakthroughs along the way too.

Thanks for your kindness and acceptance….. which gives me access to being kind and accepting of myself again 🙂 xxxx I am mostly blind to it…..

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