What is it that I have as well as ADHD ?

[hum4n]

I was diagnosed with ADHD 18 months ago.

This is pattern is relevant to what I’m about to say….

1. Before I was diagnosed with ADHD, everyone had an answer of what the reasons were for my thinking and behavior.

2. All of the “help” that was given was not helpful.

3. I remained knowing inside that there was more, but unable to find answers.

When I got the diagnosis it was massive for me. (you know the feeling).

But now I have the similar thing happening. I know there’s more to it than just ADHD. My doc sent me to see another doc to get checked out for anything to do with being “manic” because of the way I write. But this other doc confirmed, “nope… Jake just has severe ADHD”…

Ok….. So now I say something like, “All my life, when I go to write something, I can write and write page after page… thinking I’m on topic… but once I’ve finished, and someone else reads it…. it never gets a positive response back….”…. Growing up, teachers never had a clue what I was talking about… just rambling away.

And this is where someone says, “that’s very common with ADHD”… “just sounds like ADHD to me”….. but it’s not the same….. I have been talking with people who have ADHD a lot over the last 18 months…. and although there is a list of amazing similarities in how people think and write…. there’s something different in what I do. And many people have commented to me and said, “you write how I think”… and I feel the same about what other people write.

But still… there’s something different. I sit for hours writing one email…..

I know low self esteem has a lot to do with it……. I’m terrified of just saying what I have to say… without worrying obsessively that I might be doing something wrong……. taking so much time to use words in a way that I’m trying to avoid being some form or another of “bad”…. Every word I say I think, “Oh that sounds like this… looks like that… and I don’t want them to think that and misunderstand me”…. Again, this might be common amongst people with ADHD.

So…. *take a breathe* lol…. although writing is a real intense challenge for me… I write almost every day… since I was about 17… to now, at 31… and I write about many things. I can’t stop thinking…. quite deeply too… about everything, all the time. Again, might just sound classic ADHD…… But I notice that I am driven to go further….. and even people with ADHD have made comments in many situations (typically online), commenting about how far out I go in my thinking…. how much I write… how deeply I think.. and philosophize about everything…

I’ve recently looked into hypergraphia (the compulsion to write).. which fits pretty well.

I feel like I want to go get an EEG scan done… (I think that’s the brain scan hospitals can do)…. I feel like they’re going to say, “Ok…. that’s interesting…. there is something really significant happening in your brain… an area that is shut down..”… or not producing something, or too much of something… I don’t know….

I don’t know how to describe it…… and not knowing, and not knowing how to find out… makes me feel similar to before I got diagnosed with ADHD last year, when I had no clue.

Anyways… even from just how this is all written, I will have given anyone who reads this; completely the wrong idea about how I think and function….. urrrgh….

I don’t know… maybe I’m just rreeeeeallly ADHD.

For sure… growing up with how I behaved was met with a lot of resistance. To the point of that overwhelming me, and subconsciously shutting down my impulsivity with mechanisms that just cause me to hesitate and shut down instead of being myself. Now I’m trying to dismantle all of that…. but I’m also aware that my impulsivity and the things I do…. are too much for people…. even people with ADHD I think……

anyways…. I see my doc, I have a good dosage of meds figured out and take daily… I have exercise to keep me grounded… I drink plenty of water and eat a good diet.

I’m just wired in a way….. and there’s more than ADHD going on… and I don’t think it’s just emotional damage that is the root cause of the other issues…. I think there’s something else that I have… that makes me different. And that difference is ok… I just want to know what it is….

Not for an excuse….. but just so I can know…… because I don’t think and function in a way that anyone understands…. even friends who have ADHD, I don’t think they really understand. People might say, “Oh, you’re very creative”….. as well as, “Don’t think so much…”… or some kind of advice… like I’m doing something the wrong way………… and it’s not that I can’t listen and I want to be right….. it’s that when someone truly has advice to offer…. they give that advice out of understanding you and your situation…….. but if while giving that advice, they say things which demonstrate blind spots and a lack of understanding in a major thing…… then it’s no different than someone without ADHD saying, “Just try and focus harder, then you can pay attention”.

It’s like…. urggh…. they don’t get it.

I don’t even know how much I have written. I can’t remember what I have written either… or if I should hit send lol… .So I better leave it there.

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[lindsey3]

Hi hum4an, just a quick few thoughts – there is nothing wrong with writing everyday! Many authors, journalists, diarists and private individuals have kept daily ‘journals’ since the beginning of literacy.

A question – are you writing because of a long ago early childhood experience of not being listened to? Do you write because you haven’t learned how to tell another person your thoughts and feelings – has writing become a personal substitute for conversation?

Linking to this, I know for example that I have a small nugget of ASD – autistic spectrum disorder within some of my thinking, alongside ADHD – I hate sitting next to people! We are all complex aren’t we, as are non ADHD people. Spend a little time NOT comparing yourself to others and imposed expectations, and begin to learn how to be comfortable with who you are. So you write tons and have a need to ‘get out’ what is in your head – cool. This is one part of who you are.

Sounds alright to me!

Try and build your self esteem and focus on your strengths, as well as coming to terms with some of your more eccentric traits. We are all quirky – it’s how we feel about our quirkiness that makes the difference.

 

 

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[hum4n]

thanks Lindsey3 🙂

You have highlighted a significant part of what I’m working through, with the guidance/counsel of my doc/therapist. Self non-acceptance is a huge root cause of so much I have challenges with. When I got the ADHD diagnosis, everything I began to understand and realise brought in a huge amount of self acceptance. So you are absolutely spot on !

To answer your question. I suddenly began to write every day at the age of 17. This happened after I had a series of panic and anxiety attacks (2 of which I didn’t know what was happening and I thought I was dying and went to hospital.. I thought my heart was stopping). Before then, I was extrovert and impulsive… after that, I became introvert and shut down my impulsivity. I think that the reason I had all the anxiety and panic attacks, was related to the first 17 years.. where I experienced tons of mistreatment, abuse, judgement, labeling, marginalisation.. and in that time I always thought I could take whatever anyone wanted to throw at me.. I thought no one could get through. But I think internally I couldn’t take it. From 16 to 27, I didn’t have any relationships with girls.. even when I fell in love/felt heart and soul attraction. My self non-acceptance was in the form of seeing nothing inside me. Or something bad. That I couldn’t give to someone who I loved/liked. In that time, I was driven to see people who were in hopeless situations find hope.. and people who needed love, get loved….. I built my adult life around that… thinking it was the purpose of my life…… but I think that I’ve done that, because I thought it could never be for me, but when I saw it happen in other people, it let me taste that. Anyways… so for about 10 years I worked with homeless people, people with addictions, people in serious debt, kids, youth.. in many community based projects and charities. I walked alongside people living on the streets addicted to heroin, to seeing them off drugs, finding housing, jobs and being reunited with their families. And many stories.. and it was everything to me. I embraced the emptiness of not having anything “for me” that my heart longed for… because it felt like the most real thing to me. Even when real feels bad, it also feels safe in its certainty. That’s why I wonder about so many people in prisons… people with ADHD who get labeled bad so much.. and with a series of unfortunate circumstances and experiences, do something criminal… and they “own” that “I’m bad” character….. and the hope of letting go of that is repeatedly damaged.

After years of working with people… I realised I had no money, no “secure future”… so I pursued music. With a vision of creating a “creative production house; producing media which promotes and enhances the communication of positive messages and values in society”…

And I research and think constantly about philosophy… what’s going on in my surrounding world.. and within me…. to find messages to communicate.

But I realise now, I have been driven for the wrong reasons. But I can’t stop… It’s not built on self acceptance within me…… it’s built on self-nonacceptance.

I can’t even progress properly through ADHD treatment, because I am trying to road map every step of healing I make, so I can communicate that to someone else some day. I need to get out of the “hole” I’m stuck in…. which I can see the way out…….. but I can’t stop thinking about how I can help someone else out of what feels to them, like being stuck in a hole with no way out.

I am obsessed with this, to the point that it is a real disorder. And I don’t pretend it is honorable or good in itself…. I just need to find a way to focus on me. Anyways……… I’m packing up all of my studio equipment next month… and stopping everything for 6 months. I’m going to simplify everything, do gym, exercise, diet, sleep, meds every day… and therapy every 2 weeks… simplifying everything I can……….. I think it might bring up anxiety and panic attacks… which I haven’t had for 14 years….. but I think as I open those places inside me again… that could happen. That’s reminded me of an abstract song I made about 8 months ago… when I started to see what was happening in me.

When I make music, it’s always quirky. I have a limited window to create it in, before my hyperfocus drifts. So I usually spend 4 to 8 hours on something and make it up as I go. This is a track (linked) I made about the self acceptance. But it’s more of a dream… or a journey… than something I have really broken through in….. It always will be a journey, I know that. But I know there are monumental breakthroughs along the way too.

Thanks for your kindness and acceptance….. which gives me access to being kind and accepting of myself again 🙂 xxxx I am mostly blind to it…..

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[onewithmany]

ADD & ADHD are only simplifications of what’s really happening. And if someone says that You and Me have ADD it’s far from the reality. You see every  behavior in an organism  is an effect from a mix of chemistry in their brain. Lets simplify and say they have a back of legos (Neurotransmitters) in their brain, In this example we have 5 black, 10 white and 3 green legos, if you remove some of the legos example one black lego, the behavior wont chance enough for you to see it. This same stuff happens in two guy’s (or girls) with ADD Guy no:1 might have 6 black legos and guy no: 2 only 4. If a doctor look’s at them he/she sees only two guy’s with ADD’s since they behave the similiar, If you go and ask these guy’s how they feel or even think, OH BOY you get all kind of stuff and similiarities END LIKE A ROCK.

So I advice you to stop thinking that you have ADHD or ADD and something else since it might be that you have A brain that makes you behave like those 2 ADHD/ADD guy’s therefore making you an ADHD/ADD but in reality all 3 of you have your own unique “disorders” aka every brain is different…Only if you make a radical chance to the legos you get different disorders.

PS. i like your music and make some my self. I tend to over think that organisms people, animals, bacteria ect dont have a free will and EVERYTHING followes cause and result therefore the universe is a big domino started from the big bang and if it is a big domino it makes free will inpossible (I would need to talk with you at least 3h or more to make this make sense. depending how much you know about newtons basic law’s and einstein’s  relativity) WTF this got to do with my original writing i wonder…

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[Rick Green – Founder of TotallyADD]

So much good stuff here!  And some great writing, too.

I know how tangential my own writing can get and when I do a blog it usually spawns about four other blogs, or ideas for blogs that I may or may not get to.  I have dozens of fascinating ideas awaiting my attention.  Or waiting for me to find the time.

Hum4n, one thing struck me.  You are on a search for what’s going on with you, and wanting to be able to give it a name. You mentioned at the top that being able to label the ADHD was profound, and you said we all know what that’s like.

Yes, we do.

I also get that you want that same moment, or epiphany, around your compulsion to write.

I have an idea, but I hesitate to suggest it.  It may not be helpful at all.  If it doesn’t instantly make you jump with excitement, don’t worry about it.  It’s just an idea.

While you wait for that moment of recognition, when the issue finally has a name and and explanation, perhaps you can take your passion to write and hone it more.  In other words, become a better writer.

I was going to say, become a writer.  But you already are.  In your postings here you’ve probably done more introspective journalling that most people do in a year.

Since you’re already writing, why not work on the craft of writing as well.

Develop your obvious skill.  So what you are writing is less tangental.  More organized. Clearer. And more concise.  This last one is huge.

When I teach comedy writing I emphasize the need to use as few words as possible. Because if you can say the joke in half the words, you can squeeze in twice as many jokes. And everything thinks you’re twice as funny.

The example I give is the Miss Piggy joke, “Pretentious? Moi!”  The whole joke is set up in one word.  The punchline is one word.  That’s economy of writing. And the shorter the joke, or the description, or the action, the more your writing will flow.

The other secret I will let out of the bag is one that I heard many years ago: The real writing happens in the rewriting.

I know that my first drafts are often incoherent and confused.  I even rewrite Tweets. And they’re as few as 30 letters long. But for me the writing is pouring it all out as fast as I can, because when it starts coming out and ideas are sparking my fingers don’t move fast enough. And Dragon Dictate software can’t figure out what I’m saying half the time.

So my first draft is all over the place.

Then in rereading what I’ve written I see I’ve used the wrong word… I replace ‘problem’ with ‘burden’.  Or ‘disaster.’   Or ‘trait.’  Or ‘dilemma.’  Or whatever it is I meant to say.  I become more and more exact.  I have Thesaurus.com open to find the right word.  (I’m sure a more gifted writer would just have the words trip off their tongue, but I know and lot of writers and none of them can do that.)

So, in rereading and rewriting what you’ve put down in the first draft, you may not only make it clearer for others, but for yourself.  So many of the insights I have come in the rewriting process.

And then there’s just the challenge of making something better with each draft. When I was working full-time with The Frantics comedy troupe some of our skits went through 12 drafts of more.  And all four of us took at pass at it at some point. That’s for a 3 minute comedy skit.

I’d even suggest taking a writing course or two. (I still read books on improving my craft of writing and still learning.  And still blushing when I reread a first draft that I felt certain was pure genius. Ha!)

Anyway, just a suggestion.

Be well!

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[wolfshades]

I very much like what you wrote, hum4n.  My mind goes completely blewey sometimes, as thought after thought occurs.  I sometimes get the idea that people with ADHD have Inception-like thinking. We see the patterns other can miss, and we keep diving just to see how many layers of the onion are actually there.

It’s the reason I have a very  hard time holding conversations with people who are far more linear in their thinking than me. My daughter also has ADHD and she and I can literally talk for hours.  Anyone listening to us or trying to join in usually ends up walking away in frustration – we never stay on the same topic. Some of the links we make seem intuitive but for others just comes off sounding bizarre.

Rick, I really appreciate the tips you made in your post!  I have found Twitter to be an excellent tool for honing my writing skills.  If you want to make an impact with 140 characters you have to know how to be concise, and how to create power with very few words.

I’m also grateful to my editor over at the website where I do freelance critiques of TV shows – they taught me how to hold the interest of our readers by keeping paragraphs short.  It’s kind of the opposite of what they teach you in college and high school – where you are told to have a beginning and end to a paragraph, with all of the salient points embedded in the paragraph.

In the case of writing for an entertainment audience, you have to account for attention span, and so often it becomes necessary to perform a literary MMA performance: ducking and punching with one-two hits and then backing off before coming in again to engage.

: )

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[blackdog]

@hum4n

“I don’t know… maybe I’m just rreeeeeallly ADHD.”

Yup, that sums it up pretty well.

You kind of answered your own question, at least in part, in what you wrote here. The low self esteem, causing you to write, and write, and write, trying to make sure that you explain everything so people don’t misunderstand, being afraid of making a mistake, having your words taken the wrong way…..

Lets put it this way: I have spent almost all day here and I have written… one message and 4 comments, I think, in that time. And each one I read over at least 4 times before posting, editing and rearranging and adding more stuff, then taking stuff away…. And then again, after posting, reading it over and hitting the edit button every time I see a mistake, or I think of something else I need to add, or I think that I didn’t explain myself well enough…. And then I start to worry that it’s too long, that people will have trouble reading it, that I went off topic too much… and so I decide to edit again. But then I can’t figure out how to cut it down and keep what I need to say. And then I start to worry if I am saying the wrong thing. Maybe I need to take out that phrase, even though I really like it and I think it’s very clever and funny. And maybe I shouldn’t include that story about myself, maybe it shouldn’t be so personal…..

And all of this is because I am afraid to have anyone see me make a mistake. They might think I’m stupid, or accuse me of being a know-it-all, or talking about things I have no business talking about. Or they might not take me seriously, because I made so many mistakes, and they might not listen to my advice, might not think I know what I’m talking about, even though I really do….

And all of that comes from continuously being treated like I’m stupid, being laughed at, being told I didn’t know what I was talking about, or that I was being a know-it-all, or just being ignored altogether, when I was growing up.

And now I have got to go because it’s supper time and I have to figure out what I’m going to cook, because I didn’t even think about it until just now, and I don’t have time to read this over and edit it, and I don’t have time to finish it properly, I had a lot more to say, but I went on too long about this one thing and now I am just going to have to post it as is, and the thought of it is making me cringe. Because I really need you to understand me and I don’t think you will…

 

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