How do you deal with these people?

[billd]

I mean the, and I quote: “every kid has ADD, you just whoop ’em until they get over it”

or when I try to explain what’s going on, where I’m at, etc. I get “oh, I have those problems too, everyone does, you are just hard to satisfy, too picky, that’s all”.

What do you do???

Our local public TV station was playing the “ADD and Loving It?!” program – but I only caught the last 5 or 10 minutes – while channel surfing… but that was enough for me to all of a sudden feel anger, fear, laugh, cry, scream, all of it all at once. How can this be? I’m a bloody 53 years old, my life is OVER half over and NOW, NOW I find that much of it’s been wasted and I could have been so much more, could have been like my brothers – totally successful, business owners, the whole bit and I can’t even sit through a 30 minute tv show, and can’t read a whole book in less than a month? I’ve changed jobs – heck, I’ve changed CAREERS multiple times, I can’t get much done, and what I DO get done takes me forever to accomplish. My wife constantly complains about my lack of getting anything done, or forgetting, or “losing” things, or constantly talking – even in TV shows she’s trying to watch. I’m 53 – and just now find that maybe there was some help? Of course, doctors are worthless – around here they can’t even diagnose a cold or flu properly.

My mother – NOW says she’s “ADHD”, she’s been in and out of hospitals for “depression” and is forgetful, and has always had notes taped all over the house – the table is covered with notes and lists! My youngest son was diagnosed ADHD, and was on meds, but he went off them as he grew – and got into some very serious legal trouble and now we’ll never see him again – (we believe he left the country) It was always “someone else’s fault”. That stupid policeman pulled me over for no license plate – he should have seen I had no place to put it”

But back to me……… how to deal with people who think everyone is this way, and no it’s not really that bad, I’m just picky, or slow or lazy, etc.? some seem to think it’s some sort of joke.

How do you prove to those people- how do you tell THEM – no, they are NOT ADD just because they are forgetful and picky, and it’s not something to joke about (unless you are a professional like some! LOL)

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[ADDled]

Hi, Billd

I understand your rage, as do many others here. These are normal reactions when someone goes through when diagnosed as ADD. When diagnosed a couple years ago at 56 and I had them myself. But think of it this way: it’s one of the few times when a diagnosis is good news.

I went through the same “What if” scenarios. And at 53, you can still change things. All the things you describe as being out of your control can be brought under control through medication, therapy and a good dose of self awareness. Move forward.

And just because that’s how you reacted to things previously in your life, doesn’t mean you’ll continue to do so when your ADD is under control. Alan Watts, an English lecturer and teacher of Eastern religion, said “Trying to predict your future behavior based on what happened in your past is like trying to drive your car looking only in the rearview mirror”.

All this has worked for me and I feel better about my future more than any other time in my life. Regrets, sure. But I now view them as them learning experiences and battle scars. It’s all easier now, because I’m no longer getting in my own way.

Hope this helps…and good luck.

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[billd]

Thank you – it does help. Obviously I’m not alone, and I feel more “at home” here than I’ve felt almost any place else (other than on the couch watching Red Green’s handyman corner bits or adventures with Bill, or Harold’s girl troubles LOL)

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[Anonymous]

Hi Billd

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What, a whole 30 minutes? I seldom get past 10. As for books, I get better than average enjoyment, ’cause I get to read the same page over and over. And it’s fresh each time:-)

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I’m way over 65. I’m raising a grandchild, who was diagnosed in 1994, His mother, my daughter, was diagnosed in 1996. I was diagnosed in 1998. I went through the process for two reasons:

– One day, my wife and older son started laughing and looking directly at me when I walked into the living room. They had been reading Dr. Hallowell’s book. They figured that they had nailed me.

– I wanted to be a better advocate for my grandson, who was already diagnosed with ADHD as was my daughter.

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As a result of the evaluation, I went on medication (108mg Concerta – the dosage determination took several months). I had just retired, so I was under foot a lot more than usual. My wife of 30+ years liked the result, and became more relaxed when I was around. The family joke is that I take the meds and my wife feels better.

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Yes, I had some crappy experiences, like yours. I was removed from kindergarten, of all things. Never spent more than 2 years in the same school (1 exception at 3.5 years). Mostly, I was at one boarding school or another, until my parents had to find another. My ADHD daughter self medicated and got convicted. This was before she was diagnosed. We thought we were terrible parents. My parents felt they were terrible; but, I knew by time I was 30 that they had to do what they did for their own sanity. Forgiveness not required.

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Nothing learned in life goes to waste. I’ve got kids and grand-kids to help and advocate for. Like ADDled, said – “move forward” and use that new knowledge to create something good. The anger will go away when you have no time to feed it.

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PS. I know of no ADHD trait that is not shared with the population at large. It’s a matter of frequency and intensity. Most medical problems are binary (is the arm broken or not?). ADHD is just a lot of gray – which explains the necessity for an objective diagnosis. I don’t think adult ADHD is even in the DSM 4.

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Please don’t forget that the doctors are not responsible for your health, you are. They are just consultants. If you pay a consultant for a service and fail to learn something useful, you chose the wrong consultant (also true for lawyers, accountants, and engineers). If a surgeon botches a surgery, the patient dies; but the surgeon just goes home.

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Why not joke about it? Better than ignoring it! There is an old aphorism that applies:

“Never teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and annoys the pig”

You will never be able to “prove” to those people. First, you must decide wither the are ignorant or stupid. Stupid is forever. Give the ignorant ones a book on the subject. I like Dr. Hallowell’s – available in paperback. If they don’t read it and gain some understanding, then your initial judgment was off.

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How do you know your mother is not ADHD? You got the ADHD genes from somewhere.

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You are not alone and neither am I.

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[billd]

She is – just that for years it was never mentioned and now all of a sudden “oh, by the way……….”

MAYBE she was relying on the MIS-diagnosis of doctors and “specialists” over the years and she finally found one who knew…

There are some shows I can sit through – they have to be action shows or keep my attention. Only two movies really keep me sitting, and I’ve watched both of them problably 10 times in the last year or two. Many sci-fi shows keep my attention for the most part – although I’ll take breaks for another can of pop or snack or talk to the cats, etc. (when I say “sit” – I don’t mean still or quietly….)

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[Anonymous]

Roget that! I can’t believe the number of mis-diagnoses my parents received regarding me and the number my wife and I got regarding my daughter. The breakthrough happened at the Ryther Childcare Center, where after 1 1/2 years of daily “services” for my grandson, a research doctor (not a practitioner) suggested that we look into ADHD. We spent almost a year looking into it, and then gave it a try. And wow!

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Notice the order of my family’s diagnoses; grandson, daughter, and lastly, me. Same with you and your mom? Ever had a serious talk with her about how much fun it was to raise you and having no clue as to what was wrong. She probably harbors a lot of useless guilt and shame – which may explain why she was not terribly open to the subject. Please, pardon my irresponsible wild-ass ramblings, I don’t know either of you. And, it’s none of my business anyway.

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As you might guess, I do not queue (stand in line) gracefully. I have a home theater with a very cooperative projectionist . It is made from depreciated cinematic components (recycled and rebuilt) because I perceive sitting in a movie theater as a serious threat to my sanity. I avoid concerts and plays – which is difficult because my wife is a playwright. I have three DVR’s to watch TV for me. Fast forward, pause, and rewind are a godsend.

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Last week, my business partner, brought over his Blu-Ray player and we watched a movie (Dark City). I was evaluating Blu-Ray for a possible upgrade. I was also installing “eliot” (Scrabble) from source on my wife’s computer (over an hour to compile and link). My partner has Tourettes, which at a superficial glance, is much more obvious than my ADHD. From what I have read, OCD, Tourettes, and ADHD are closely related (causal, not symptomatic). We share a great deal of empathy for each others traits.

In the decade we have worked together, he had never witnessed my typical “caged” ADHD behavior. He was worried that I was missing so much of the movie (popping up & down, pause & run) but was too polite to ask. At a business meeting later that week, I asked him how he enjoyed watching a movie with a flaming ADHD type. We had a good laugh. And in fact, I enjoyed the movie very much. The theatrical cut left too many scenes on the floor. The directors cut is so much better.

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I really should have treated him better (during the movie). It’s hard to find the right balance point (if such a balance exists).

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Would you believe I’ve been retired for over 10 years? The real miracle is that my wife has stuck with me for well over 40 years.

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[Anonymous]

I am 29 and my boyfriend doesn’t really understand what I’m struggling with- he has the old-school “buckle down and try harder” philosophy which is similar to my parents, but no help to me since I’ve been struggling with that philosophy for quite some time.

I mean, I’ve done well- have a bachelor’s degree, a post-grad diploma, and I have a neat job, but I also have a guilt complex shoving my face to the grindstone, because of how ashamed I am of my ADD. I take two or three times as long to do tasks than I should, so although I stubbornly press-on, I also get very mentally exhausted trying to stay on track.

My friends don’t understand that although I’ve achieved much of what I want, I don’t take any pleasure in it because I’m terrified of screwing it up. And after years of hovering in the background, I’m doing a lot of therapy and trying the the ADD meds, and it’s clearly weirding them out when I talk about it. They’re used to me going about my business and keeping my mouth shut and listening to their problems.

I think Rick mentioned in one of his videos, that part of the re-adjustment process might involve changes to your social environment. The idea of this scares me.

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[Author]

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