Hope this is my rock bottom

[Anonymous]

Hello Everyone,

I have been “ghosting” on this website for a while now reading posts and finding encouragement, wisdom, & seeing that I AM NOT ALONE. My story is that I am 28 yrs old and struggling to find my place in life. I’ve been getting treatment for about 1 yr on & off now. I recently hit my rock bottom in my professional life. I am a social worker w/ a job that is heavy on the paperwork. I’ve been in my job for 2 yrs now. I struggled w/ the work part of the job and excelled at the social portion.

This has resulted in a very stressful situation where all of my offenses were pretty much outed in a record review. Needless to say I am very embaressed and ashamed. Iam trying not to make excuses or blame my “ADD or physical disabilites” on the reason I got so off track at work. However, i do feel the symptoms from both conditions is what caused this huge disaster.

I am struggling to rebound from this but my self image and mood have nose dived and I feel alone in this struggle. I am working on finding a good psychiatrist, but have recently started seeing a wonderful therapist which is hard to come by in my area. I am trying keep the faith but find it hard to trust myself anymore.

About 2 ys ago I was in this exact same postion and told myself then that I’d never be here again. The problem is I feel that at work I totally zone out at times. Or when I start a task it takes me hours to complete just that one task. Leaving 30 other things that must be done. They never get done. I lack organization skills and find it impossible to use planners or any organization method for longer than 1 week. I am currently in the middle of a perfomance review that is supposed to help me improve my functioning at work. As I go through my records I am devastated by the things I have not done and deadlines missed.

I am trying to face myself in the hopes that it will help me correct some of my behaviors. I find it had to focus or start any task. I can explain away any reasonable motivation even if the consequences of avoidance are disasterous. It almost like I have given up on myself. I know i have damaged my name and my good standing. I am able to keep up my house of cards for a while and everyone thinks i’m a superstar, but when they see the true me the are dissapointed. And for that matter so am I. I am trying to accept my ADD and physical disabilities w/out using them as excuses. I don’t want to live my whole life in regret, chaos, and depression.

I am out on a limb right now and would appreciate any sound advice, encouraging words, and/or help you may have to offer. Iam doomed to a life of rock bottoms?

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[Lindstr7]

Gettingthere – I’m glad you’ve decided to post here. Many here have gone through the same things you are experiencing and can offer sage advice.

I’m wondering if your doctor had put you on or recommended medication for you. Since I’ve started taking medication, I’ve become more aware of patterns of behavior that set me back, thus keeping on top of things I would normally have let slide. I’m more aware when I start to put something off, and catch myself (your paperwork comes to mind) and make sure I set aside the time to take care of it. There was definitely something in my brain that was not connecting that I feel IS connecting now with the medication.

If you are on medication, you might want to discuss trying something that works better for you, sometimes its a combination of two drugs. I’m not saying you can’t manage without medication, but it seems as though something is not connecting for you. Sorry this is kind of short, I’m in a hurry to get out of the house but wanted to send you my thoughts. Good luck.

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[Anonymous]

I agree with Lindstr7, Gettingthere. I can tell you you’re not alone. I’m just envious that you discovered your problem about 30 years before I discovered mine. I wasn’t diagnosed until I had completed blown it at work – which was a first for me. I guess I was in jobs that were a better match for my skills than my last job. But seriously, I lost my job because of this disease. The good news is that it caused my doctor and I to look at things a little more closely and that’s when I was diagnosed with ADD. And it gets better! I am on a combination of medications and have a new job. I’m organized, on task, able to focus – and even keep my house relatively clean! Medication isn’t a miracle cure, there’s work you have to do yourself too – but the medication makes it SOOOOO much easier. The problem with our brains is that they’re our brains. There isn’t a little part of your brain that gets to be critical of the other part of your brain. We function for years thinking that we’re perfectly normal. When we finally get a glimpse at some normalcy it’s pretty cool!

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[munchkin]

Gettingthere – if someone did a records review on me, I would be in BIG trouble. I have boxes of incomplete paperwork sitting in my office right now. I’ve had similary experiences, and I know it seems depressing, and it makes it hard to feel the pride and satisfaction in your job when something like this happens, but what has actually changed? You are still as good as you ever were – the problems are just out in the open now. You are still great, you just have more pressure to improve now. Since you are going to this counselor, you now have more support than you did when everything got so behind. I’m new to this forum myself, and just learning, but I am really starting to believe that getting diagnosis and treatment have made a HUGE difference for people. Let us know what happens! Good Luck!

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[Anonymous]

Thank you all so much for your kind words and advice. Sorry ithas taken me so long to reply, but I have been trying to dig myelf out of this mess I have created at work. Its hard to do much else right now besides that. Right now I am taking Concerta and can tell a difference in my ability to focus and pay attention. Problem is that I have to find a new psychiatrist b/c my current one just doesn’t seem to be the right fit. I have really tried to thow myself into the the learning more about myself phase and seeking out my area of improvement. It ha been hard to face myself and there are time when i feel like giving or feel like ashamed and guilty. I just try to remeber each day is a gift and opportunity to get it right. I find that others have more faith in me that i do myself at this point. But I still manage to find a smile, and HOPE that one day things will get better.

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[allan wallace]

Hiya Slowly, it’s an old thread I know, but I’d be interested to hear how things are going for you now…I’m older than you and unemployed by the way. It has been suggested that I’m unemployable due to my chronic procrastination and my inability to do anything right. I have a knack for fucking up the unfuckable, and even though I only aim low and go for the shitty menial jobs, I still stuff them up somehow. One day if I can be bothered I’ll discuss the time I could have killed myself whilst working at a chemical plant. All I had to do was wear safety equipment and transfer sulphuric acid from a high powered hose into about 20 large barrels….if anybody had been around that day and saw the stupidity that unfolded they would have killed me if I’d survived what eventuated. It was a miracle….gawd, just remembered another miracle. I was driving on a highway and gazing out of the window at some lambs jumping around and didn’t notice that the cars ahead had stopped. I had the radio on full blast and wasn’t wearing a seatbelt either…I only had to time to scream and by taking my hands of the gear stick and sterring wheel I covered my eyes and braced myself for a bad start to the day. Somehow the car jacknifed and I didn’t hit any other cars on the four lanes! Perhaps I’ll start a ‘miracles’ thread. There are many, many more…I had a gun pulled on me in a nightclub and I stunned the bloke by thumbing my nose at him and pretending to tiptoe cartoonlike to hide under a table. Then I winked and made a spazzy face. before breaking out some silly dance moves…this guy just didn’t know what to do 😆 I just pretended that nothing happened and then avoided that corner of the club for an hour or so… 💡

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[trashman]

Allan ,I can relate. My doctor just finally said that I was unemployable, and put me on disability. this has been good and bad. Good because I have a steady income, and bad because I am more aware how many shortcoming I really have. Makes me feel like a real looser. Oh we’ll . I guess I will try to hide that too.

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[Robbo]

I have felt like a loser many times. Been feeling that way lately. Sept. blues maybe. But we’re not losers. Only REAL idiots thing people like us are (there’s a lot of us too), so smile dood, and enjoy a little music ukay?.

Here’s proof you’re not a loser. Jimi Hendrix wrote a song about you! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cSbz3iA69vM&feature=related

Can’t beat that man.

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[allan wallace]

I don’t really care if others call me a loser, hell, even my relatives look upon me as a loser! I started a fill-in job on a building site on Tuesday as a forklift driver/labourer. On my first day I was 10 minutes late and forgot my helmet, even though I thought that I’d prepared in advance by getting my stuff together the night before, and left 15 minutes early! On my second day I was only 5 mins late, and ripped a finger open after getting it jammed between two pieces of steel. True to form the King of fuck-ups is at it again. I have 2 days to survive, and if I make it home without crashing the forklift, or rendering any further harm to myself I’ll have achieved something…I’ll have to get my finger x-rayed next week to make sure that it’s not broken! Good luck to you other guys, you make me feel better!

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