OK .. gonna let it all hang out here …

[Anonymous]

I am having great emotional issues … I am fairly positive that I have ADD but my issues go way beyond that. As I posted earlier, I bought a motorcycle and the wife went ballistic. She had told me that I couldnt have one and that I would not like the consequences but I did it anyway as I thought she would come around. WRONG!! We will be married 43 years this May but she went to a divorce lawyer and she told her that she was not ready for divorce and gave her the name of a psychologist. We have both seen this guy once. I have seen another psychologist at the VA and a psychiatrist there as well. The first visit the the shrink was an emergency visit as I had a meltdown and he diagnosed me with ADD but other issues and gave me a vitamin with l-methylfolate to help me. I have another appointment Monday. My main issue is that I think I am going to lose my wife as she keeps saying that she doesnt know if she can continue and wants a separation. I tried that for one night and couldnt handle it emotionally. I am now sleeping in our basement and the agreement is that I not go upstairs between 9PM and 7AM. She does not want to show any affection towards me now as there has been “a lot of water under the bridge” I try to be affectionate and loving .. today I wanted to go to the tool store but instead vacuumed carpets, cleaned stools and did other things for her because she is “tired” I am trying to save this marriage but don’t think she is trying as hard as she should. I will mention that to our psychologist Monday as well but in the mean time I just hope I do not melt down again … Please someone out there ………….. HELP!!??

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[Wgreen]

Oh Lord. What a mess.

I’m afraid nobody on this site can help you. We don’t know you. We don’t know your wife. We don’t know your history. We don’t know whether ADD lies at the root of your problem, or something else.

What is undeniably true is that many ADD people put terrible strains on their relationships. We are compulsive, we have tempers, we can be terribly narcissistic. And we don’t see the awful pain we cause those we care about… and who care about us..

Someone once said a marriage doesn’t start when you say “I do.” It starts one day when you wake up and ask yourself what the H*** have I gotten myself into? Alas, that sort of thinking doesn’t resonate with many people these days. When the emotion lies shattered on the floor and what “will” there was has dissipated, there’s not much to be done. Unfortunately, the modern world has become ambivalent about marriage. Divorce is so commonplace, its hard to find support, even among friends. You certainly can’t beg for love. It has to be given freely. And it must always be cherished and nurtured as the great gift is it.

What’s done is done. What will happen in the future is uncertain. Healing, if healing is possible, will take time and patience.

I hope both of you find the grace to work something out. But certainly, whatever happens, get help.

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[munchkin]

Marriage counseling only goes so far – if you can also see your own counselor – a counselor who’s just there for you, it could be really helpful… After 43 years – – you’d probably want to pull out all the stops and do whatever it takes to make things right. Also – you are a good person, and whatever happens, remember that and be kind to yourself.

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[Anonymous]

Rich1, being a woman, I probably have a bit insight into your wife’s feelings. Being an ADDer, I probably have some insight into you and your actions because I’m probably ‘guilty’ of the same behaviours!

Yes, it probably seems like your wife isn’t doing her part right now but she is probably at the point where she is long past being understanding. Not that she won’t come around. She is probably just hurt to the core having dealt/put up with you for 43 years. Sometimes, a person’s anger builds slowly. Little itty bitty things that happen day after day, month after month…. you get what I mean. She’s probably given lots of warnings about the things that have been driving her crazy over the years but she hasn’t seen any changes in behaviours from you. The motorcycle probably was the tipping point for her.

I’ve had a similar experience to you but the tables were turned. My husband has been wonderfully tolerant of my ADD, probably because he grew up with a mom who was a fabulous school teacher- one who understood kids ‘inside out’ and loved each and everyone of them despite some of their more unloveable characteristics. Some of her students that she loved the most were obviously ADD by the stories she would share with me (another teacher).

My DH, lied to me about some financial matters for years…and years…and years. I was SO angry when I found out that I was ready to walk out on him after 33 ‘wonderful’ years. What was the biggest problem to me? I had given up an awful lot to allow him to build his career (I really don’t want to list all the laundry here) and repeatedly was promised some help with the kids, house maintenance… maybe even some tiem and attention for me. Basically, I did almost everything on my own since we had no family living nearer than several thousands of miles.

When my last straw was finally broken I wasn’t sure what I would do. No, I didn’t leave but I still think about it some days. This is truly not the life I had envisioned for myself. On the other hand, I certainly know it isn’t what my DH had planned either. I didn’t leave since I knew that truly, my DH is a good and wonderful man. He made a BIG mistake that was the icing on the cake after decades of me having to deal with lots of broken promises.

I didn’t leave since he really is very sorry and he is who he is because of how HIS father raised him. He really did the best he could.

He never intentionally did any of it to hurt me. But, hurt I was.

I’m still working through the hurt. When this first happened, he was suddenly helping around the house doing the things he had never had the time to do before. It’s almost difficult to watch since everytime I see him helping it makes me think “so this had to happen to get him to do what he should have been helping me with years and years before. Our kids are grown and NOW he finally gets it.”

The motorcycle may have been that proverbial ‘straw’. She’s just got a lot to work through right now. She probably is feeling really really hurt and that kind of pain doesn’t go away overnight. Like my situation, her hurts and frustrations probably were happening for the last 43 years. It’s going to take a while for the scab to heal.

I’m at the point I’m feeling badly that it’s taking me so long to move past my ‘hurt’. My fear is that if I return to my old me, he’ll assume everything is fine and he’ll go right back to his old ways. I’m sure my inability to move on is hurtful to him but I’m feeling ‘stuck’. What’s next? Probably counselling but I don’t want to go ‘there’ quite yet since I know that can open up some of the sores that have started to scab over and that huuuurts!

Sorry that this is so long but I sensed your pain and frustration and wanted you to know that your wife may just need a lot more time and lots more proof that you can make some of the changes she needs to be made. At this point, she’s just not sure that she wants to ‘invest’ any more of her energies because she’s not sure you’re going to be able to make the changes to provide for her needs. She may feel you’re not ever going to consider her wishes and wants in the marriage since you’ve ignored big ones before.

Isn’t it fun having to deal with this stuff? I remind myself that if we didn’t have feelings life would not be as good as it is. Keep your chin up and keep telling her you want to work on this and move forward and learn from this situation. You don’t want to go backwards. Ask her to help you understand what you must do to change things and to assist you with making a plan so that you can do it.

Good luck!

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[Lindstr7]

Rich- Have you considered returning the motorcycle? Just sayin……

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[Anonymous]

I agree with Linster7..try to return the motorcycle. It would show her you are commited to repairing yor marriage. Then get back into marriage counsling! It’s a good thing your wife’s lawyer said she’s not ready for divorce. However, if she wants a seperation after 43 years,She is seeing bigger problems then just the motorcycle. ..good luck !

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[Anonymous]

Lindsttr7 and buano58 … The bike was gone two weeks after I got it. I put 38 miles on it and sold it for more than I paid.

ZsaZsa .. Thank you for your insight! My issue is that I want it fixed now and it isnt fixing .. I love my wife to pieces .. am ashamed of myself for treating her like I did and am trying very hard to change myself into the man she thought the boy she married would grow up to be. It is hard right now. I am sleeping in our basement on a sofa bed so she can have her space. I am not allowed upstairs between 9pm and 7am and while I am not fond of this arrangement, I am tollerant and respectful of her space. I just want her to show some affection once q day and she cannot do it. I asked her tonight how she was doing and she is still in the same place she was when she found out about the bike. While I am taking her tone of voice and lack of affection as standoffish, it is probably healing that is going on and I guess that does take time .. It is just really hard for me to take right now. Patience has never been a friend of mine … Im still the first up on Christmas day and it is hard to wait to open gifts till later in the afternoon … LOL Still a kid at heart.

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[Hans]

Rich1

I’m going to tell it like it is..I was recently diagnosed with ADHD. I also bought a bike. Now the bad news.Your wife is looking for a solution…She can no longer handle the impulsive behavior. She wants some light at the end of the tunnel. Doing some housework is not a sollution….

My wife said to me “You don’t get it” she was absolutely right. I didn’t get it. I THOUGHT I GOT IT. She was thiniking about leaving after 19 years of marriage.

I played WOW for 12 hours a day as a stress reliever..I became a non partner to her….My stress and anxiety was so great WE almost separated..I could no longer handle the daily stress/anxiety caused by ADHD.

How could my wife not understand my stress—How could she not understand how important this stress reliever was to me….IT was my problem–and MY WIFE PAID THE PRICE FOR MY ADHD. (this became very clear to me after medication)

The main problem is “YOU HAVE NOT GOTTEN IT FOR 43 YEARS”

ADHD does that…I understand.

Now the GOOD NEWS.

You have to give your wife a reason for staying…My wife thought I might have ADD.. She suggested watching “Add and loving it”

GET CHECKED OUT. If you have ADHD there is a solution for you and your wife..

After getting diagnosed and my taking medication for ADHD her stress in her back and neck are gone. Her stress level has just about gone.

She can count on me. I am a friend who can sit down and listen to her. We have reconnected emotionally.

Your wife is looking for a solution., give her hope..

Best of luck

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[Anonymous]

Rich1….you’re still trying, now just keep it up. B that’s the best advice I can give, one biker to another!!

My wife and I are just wrapping up 34 years together, heading for our 30th anniversary married. I get those sideways glances too, and sometimes not enough affection…but for the most part, I’ve earned it. My point is, relationships are always a two-way street, and you sound like a loving hubby, but you will need to keep getting some counsel, one-on-one.

I wish you both the best….she’s stuck with you this long, I think your chances are pretty good if you get the assistance you need.

by the way, my wife and I just started touring 2 years ago with our bike, pulling a nice camper trailer behind our Wing. This is the best quality time we’ve ever had….hope you get to live it too.

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[Hans]

Rich1

I think you should check out another DR who might be better acquainted with treating ADHD. also–Sorry to be so blunt.. I would not trust my marriage to A vitamin with l-methylfolate.

Best of luck…

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[Anonymous]

Hans .. I think the reason the DR. gave me the vitamin is that it has been proven to work when someone has high homocystiene levels in the blood and that given the emergency meeting of only 30 min it was the very most he could try without possibility of any error. I see him Monday for 90 min and hopefully will get meds then. My wife too has said that I don’t get it and I don’t. I am ready for change and she has said that so much wqter has passed under the bridge she may not be able to stay no matter what. Yesterday and today I finally became OK with whatever she decides. I really want my wife in my life for the rest of my life and I want the opportunity to prove that I can bee a good mate and loving husband to her … I just want the chance. But if she cant give it …………………… I hope it doesn’t come to that!

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[Lindstr7]

Rich, have you considered letting her read what you’ve posted here? Or at least writing down how you feel and what she means to you and sharing it with her? Maybe in the form of a letter?

Sometimes its more effective to sit in a quiet place and absorb anothers thoughts and feelings on their own time, without getting into a face-to-face. It would give you time to think of what you really want to get across to her and she would not feel pressured to give you an immediate response. Then perhaps you could ask her to respond likewise, giving you both time to think about your feelings without it escalating into an argument.

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[Anonymous]

Lindstr7 I gave her my sign on and password a week or so ago and just resent it in an email. I just got back from the Dr. and got a script for dextroamphetamine 5mg time release. I am hoping the old frontal lobe starts to kick in soon. thanks to everyone on here who cares enough to help when they can. I realize not everyone has the right answers but just knowing that there is a place to vent .. That is wonderful. Thank you all!!

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[Lindstr7]

Rich, hope the meds help, but it may take some adjustment, etc. so if it doesn’t work immediately, don’t give up. I would still try and take the time to write her a letter and tell her how you feel. If writing your feelings is hard for you, she’ll know that and appreciate it even more. But trust me on this one….women love when a man takes the time and emotional energy to express thoughts and feelings. Hopefully, once the meds are regulated, you’ll have the focus and patience to lay it all out so that it makes sense in your head and, in turn, to her as well. Best of luck to you.

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[Curlymoe115]

I have a little different perspective. Maybe you need to give her a chance to miss you. Right now you are the only one fighting to keep this relationship alive and she is waiting for you to jump through enough hoops that she sees your willing to change. You went to a doctor, you got meds, you are trying to be supportive. Maybe you need to start going out with other friends and family and consider not being in at 9pm when you are not allowed upstairs. If you have kids or family you can stay with for a few days maybe you should also look at this. When she is looking at a divorce does she realize that that means you aren’t always going to be there when she hollers for you. Sometimes absence really does make the heart grow fonder. And the next time you want to head to the store instead of helping clean do it. You keep to your side and keep all conversation and touching to the absolute bare minimum. You cook your meals and clean up your mess. Do only your laundry, vacuum only your basement, do everything for yourself as though you were living alone. ADD you may have but you are still a functioning adult. You are seeking counselling but nothing is going to be fixed immediately. If she is feeling ambivalent about your marriage that is something that you should be discussing but shutting you out and making this your problem alone will not solve anything. Everyone on here is right, this problem with the motorcycle only brought to a head everything that has been in her mind for a long time. Either she is ready to work with you or she is ready to quit. The problem is not all you and therefore you can’t solve it to her satisfaction. Wishing you the best.

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