Can't do anything right.

[Anonymous]

Yesterday was somewhat frustrating. My spouse misinterpreted my actions which caused me to misunderstand her meaning which caused her to get frustrated with me which triggered the “I can’t do anything right” inner voice that stayed with me for the rest of the evening. Today had it’s own heap of frustrations to add to the pile and now I feel cut adrift – too afraid to take any action for fear it might be the “wrong” one and elicit a negative response and somehow playing the “you’re not good for anything” record full blast in my head.

I honestly don’t know what to do. I’m taking medication, but it only does so much and it might as well not be there at all when I’m overly stressed (like now). Sure, I could call someone and try and talk it out, but until I believe that I’m worthy, how can I accept what they tell me.

How did I get into this mess?

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[cakat01]

I don’t have an answer about how. However, it’s great that you recognize that inner voice and that it is an inner voice. You’re correct that as long as “I can’t do anything right” is running and your reality that nothing anyone says to the contrary will make any difference.

Often self-awareness training and courses are recommended for people with ADHD. I highly recommend the Landmark Forum for dealing with those inner voices. I did the course before medication and before realizing that most of my issues were because of ADHD. It made a huge difference for me in dealing with people and how I reacted to whatever they said. I don’t get triggered very often anymore.

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[Anonymous]

Hello Game Guy!

Thank you for posting about our mutual inside voice and maybe.. MAYBE because we share it I can at least offer how i’ve handled the situation you’re talking about. It’s too easy for us to process others words and internalize them as the voice of who we are, that isn’t fair to us or the person desiring to connect with us. What I’ve done and work hard to remember to do daily is STOP myself and thoughts in their tracks, ask the person to slow down or repeat back to them what they’re asking of me and break it down. Often I have people belittle me, call me down (they actually do so that part is not perceived) or treat me like a child so to stand up for myself I use an assertive voice and stop THEM from going on with their rant.. I become instructive and say “okay, let’s break this down” and as they speak I look them in the eye and repeat whut i’m hearing. I do not remind them that I am adhd but rather remind them that to assist them best I’d like to be sure it’s 1) written down and/or 2) repeated back in both our words so they can also hear whut they have said.

We never have to allow others to belittle us, always use a gentle smile and look them in the eye, say their name to them so they know you are listening and be sure to put it on your immediate follow through list. If they are STILL not satisfied, take the high road and tell them that when they will agree to work with YOU you’ll be delighted to assist them however you’re able to, time pending.

That inner voice is the dark dude my friend. We can function out of the light of how perfectly and wonderfully we’re made. If you’re a man of faith remember that Jesus knew us before we were born and wanted us as we are to be a light for him to shine. I rely on that teaching whenever I work with my individuals who are btw.. disabled, truly humbling.

God Bless

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[Anonymous]

Hey Game Guy……….. meds are not the answer…….they maybe part of the answer. Meds are like sitting on a one legged stool….better than the ground but not something you can kickback and relax on.

Counseling……is certainly a huge element (for me)….and self education another….I don’t just mean ADD stuff either….some of that might be ok but, more the understanding of human development. How we come to be who we are …..actually how we all come to be fully human, fully functioning individuals, or how we fall short……this is “critical” knowledge. Without that understanding it’s like trying trying to unwind a very large ball of string by pulling at the loose ends hanging out!!! It just won’t work!!!! There is no short cut……it takes time and effort…….lots of time!! But the rest of your life is a “long time” to be miserable and frustrated. A good counselor….a great counselor can help one move the yard sticks…..without a guide through this process it’s is very very difficult to do……not impossible, but…………

The long and short of it (for me), meds are an assist, not the solution, the solution lies within you, as does the turmoil, anxiety and stress. Find a good guide, maybe a support group too, read read read…..learn, learn who you are and how you became that person, and, if indeed, you want to stay that person, or you maybe you need to make some serious life changes???. If you are committed, and work hard at it, the rewards are more than you can ever imagine…….fully alive, content, at peace, and no regrets…..sounds good????? It can work….it can be most rewarding….it was for me. I have never regretted a moment I spent on that road….ever.

remember, If nothing changes…then nothing changes…..

toofat

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[Anonymous]

Part of the problem is that I’m impatient, get easily frustrated, can’t focus on one thing for very long (especially if it’s not interesting)…well, you get the idea. These are the very problems that got me into this situation and if I could change them through hard work and discipline, I doubt I’d have a problem to begin with.

Why is it that the solution to ADHD invariably demands skills and discipline that we do not have in abundant supply?

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[Laura]

Oh, that IS the classic mantra, “If I was just more disciplined…; if I was just more organized…; why can’t I set the same time each day to [exercise, study, practice, etc.]; what’s WRONG with me?”

Here’s another idea that helped silence my self-damaging inner voice — EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing, http://www.emdr.com and http://www.emdria.org). You basically sit back and let your brain wander, albeit if you go too far off the beaten path, the EMDR-trained counselor will get you back on track. It’s not hypnosis at all, but a way for your brain to heal itself — to process and file away those disturbing life events so they don’t continually mess up the present. Eventually I honestly no longer believed I was intrinsically a screw-up anymore, but that I was a good person who screwed up sometimes.

But, as far as procrastination goes, it didn’t help me. I think meds plus cognitive behavioral therapy is the way to go.

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[Anonymous]

Well……”Why is it that the solution to ADHD invariably demands skills and discipline that we do not have in abundant supply?’……. ahhhh…. root of the issue…yes?? If a skill is in short supply and the deficit is causing problems……a solution would seem be to strengthen that deficit….no??? Easier said, I know!!! If we look at the definition of skill it does say…..’Proficiency, facility, or dexterity that is acquired or developed through training or experience”. It might better say ‘through training AND experience”???? But, no where does it say easily!!!

I have strong suits and weak suits, as we all do (ADD or otherwise). If I find myself possessing a lesser skill or weaker one, and it is not an issue in my life, then often I find i have no desire to overcome it….. it is fine…..I’m good. I can have things in my life I do less well than others, that’s fine with me. However, if I find life keeps putting that challenge in front of me again and again and it’s causing issues or distress for me…then it’s maybe time for some serious reflection or self exploration on my part.

Question: Is this really important to me…why is it important, am I just stressing……does it have to remain important, and why…can I let it go, do I need help letting it go, or …..do I need to address it?? That’s my simple process. If after serious reflection, if it really is important to me…..to my heart and my personal wellness, then it’s time to act.

So, understanding it’s a challenge tells me right away to “be gentle with myself”, this change process may well be a struggle for me, I should anticipate that!! Educating myself is next, reading, learning, re-looking at my self and this thing inside and out….. then re-assess whether what ever it is, or was, remains important, (education and scrutiny can change things), so I must stay open to that possibility. I tend to seek out people who I have observed, have masterful skills in the area and tell them what I am trying to achieve…usually help or assistance is readily forthcoming. Time, time, time and patience with myself, a gentle hand with me, by me, is always a fine guide. Mastery is not often an overnight thing!!!

That’s it……I know easily said!!!!

To conclude tho…..I have found change often will come, and it comes at what ever rate it comes…..forcing only seems to cause more obstruction, although diligence seems to be the mode with which I have the most success. Hahahahaha…on the other hand I have so many areas of my life where (if I invoke comparison and I try not to, ever), I find others everywhere have more skill and less skill……. everywhere …. so what??? Finally, I must always be aware during this process…. the change that comes may be quite different than what I expected, but it does come.

My only guide for what is right, is me, and my heart….. I find comparison a dangerous pastime…..and quite often a fruitless endeavor that provides very little reward.

That’s just me…….and how I work….

toofat

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[Anonymous]

Hi, I have not yet got a formal ADHD diagnosis, but can see enough of myself in these forums that I am pretty certain it is the disorder I have been struggling with all my life. My son is about to go for testing for ADHD, and researching the condition in preparation for this has made the penny drop for me.

I can totally understand the worthless days when nothing goes right and you feel like you’re trying to dig your way out from under a mountain with a teaspoon. And a plastic teaspoon at that!! I have found that when I am most stressed, I can help myself to feel a bit better if I remind myself that it is only temporary. Tomorrow will come and I will get through this mess. I may not like the outcome but it is yet undecided and I may be surprised. Too many times I have stressed endlessly over something that I forsee will have disastrous results, only to find that things don’t turn out as badly in the end. Sure, I have regrets. I have said the unforgivable, regretted an impulsive action seconds afterwards, and done damage to relationships I value. But I have learnt from those mistakes. The biggest mistakes are the ones that stay with me and help me control some of my behaviours.

One other thing I have learnt about myself is when I am angry, I have to DO. Normally I am all thought and little action, but when something makes me angry, I am suddenly energised. If my husband and I get into an arguement, I start cleaning. I can’t help myself. I load the dishwasher, clean the kitchen bench, scrub the cupboards. If I allow myself to do this, then I internalise less and am better able to let go of the issue once it’s over. Otherwise I will overthink it until I have a mouthful of ulcers, dermatitis on my hands, little sleep, and a major headache from the stress of my thoughts.

So learn your coping mechanisms. I didn’t even realise what I was doing for many years, but once I reflected back on things then I noticed that arguements at home didn’t stress me as much as arguements in the car or on an outing, when I was confined and unable to work off my anger. And talking whilst out walking seems to be a good way to keep a discussion constructive rather than have it disintegrate into an arguement. I am less volatile and better able to phrase my ideas when active.

Anyway, I have edited and re-edited, deleted and rewritten this until it gets across most of my original intent without too much ramble, so I will finish here. Hope it helps someone.

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[Carry]

@TheGameGuy let me catch your attention by stating: YOU’RE WRONG!

Ah.. there.. I have your attention?

One of your thoughts is: “I can’t do anything right”

It’s probably even a belief you have. And everything that turns out wrong is used by you as proof of this “fact”.

Let’s ask a judge. You’re charged with “NOT BEING ABLE TO DO ANYTHING RIGHT”

What would the proscecutor (you’ll excell in that role) present as evidence?

“Well, this one time… “

What would your attorney (ask a friend or your spouse) present in your defense?

“You posted a well written post in a forum expressing your frustration!”

“You feel you have a problem and even though you’re very judgemental towards yourself, you came here and asked for help!”

Try and make a list. What will the ruling of the judge be?

I’m putting my money on “NOT GUILTY”

This really isn’t splitting hairs, because you are saying it to yourself like that. And you are angry with yourself for who you are.

Change the thought to: “I did that the wrong way”, so you can be angry at what you did. That’s less destructive!

You’re probably doing things wrong, but that doesn’t make you worth any less!

Cheers!!

C

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[Anonymous]

I know how you are feeling. i have been under major stress the last two months (still am) and now my bank is misunderstanding me with my requests. So today I am having a real ADD day, slow, tired, irritable, clumsy, inattentive, can’t focus properly and my head feels fuzzy. Had to go get my new bankcard, forgot to link it on my internet banking, and now the call center won’t understand what I am trying to explain

I find as an ADDer, I get these fuzzy days and other days I feel much brighter, but on these fuzzy days everything just goes wrong and keeps getting worse, to the point of tears.

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[Anonymous]

To help prevent my negative thoughts about myself I have started wearing a rubber band on my wrist and when the thoughts come I flip the band. It works sometimes but there are days when my wrist hurts a lot and I have no hair from the rubberband pulling it out.

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[Anonymous]

I saw this thread at the top of the list and thought, “that is so like me…wait, it IS me!”

Don’t know what to say – I feel very isolated and unloved at the moment. Part of it is my own insecurity and part of it is that I finally recognize that some emotions I am not equipped to interpret. So I want validation but I can’t recognize it when it comes to me – ironic, isn’t it?

carl, I have my own version of the rubber band. Unfortunately, it’s my fists.

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[Carry]

I used my fists too, GameGuy. On the walls. I was so angry with myself.

But hurting myself like that, also hurt the people around me. I never realized that.

You’re too hard on yourself.

Look at the things are as they are right now.

Don’t judge.. just observe.

That’s a first step. (a big one! you can do it!)

Good luck!

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[Tiddler]

I know the feeling too.

With me, I over analyse every conversation and social interaction – did I do anything wrong? Did what I say sound stupid? Did I make them angry? Was I being rejected or were they just busy? I know some of it is my ADD and some of it is a product of my past.

I think counselling is going to be the way to go for me. I hope that you are able to know that you ARE good enough. I haven’t worked out quite how to get there yet though.

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[Carry]

Try also to separate your habits from the condition that helped you develop them. Your ADD isn’t you in the sense that you’re defined by it. But you did grow the way you did, with that strong influence.

You also may have developed habits based on the fact that you can reach your nose with your index finger. You’re not your arm, you’re not a nose picker. You’re the one that picks your nose because you found out that can, and you found a use for it?

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[Author]

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