Re: Understanding a partner with ADHD

[Curlymoe115]

r123 It sounds like you have slowly slipped into the role of parent. You are afraid to ask him to take on any responsibilities, he lets you look after all decision making in the home, and when you do ask for help he sulkily does it, but only in his own time. What changed between year 3 of your marriage and now. Was he doing the same things and you overlooked it because you were in love, or was there really a monumental change. Was there a new stressor added to your relationship, was he always angry or has it been increasing over time and in severity. ADHD is always there but it can slip into the background or really rear its ugly head when there is a lot of stress. But that does not mean that you need to be the recipient of all this anger. Has he been travelling more in the last eight years and now with his job he feels like he has to be always on when he is gone. Maybe when he gets home after weeks of travelling he needs to decompress and doesn’t want to be bothered for a few days while he deals with things. That is fair but only if he explains these things to you. You are not a mind reader and the uncertainty is adding an ugly component to your marriage that will eventually lead it to fail.

As for household chores that you are saving for when he gets home, hire out. There are always advertisements for handyman services that you can check out with the BBB. That way these things get done, and hubby doesn’t feel he is forced to do them. The next time he is home you should ask him how he feels your relationship is going. No one likes this conversation but sometimes you need to reassess where you are and where you heading. When he is home continue like he is not there. Continue to go out with friends and do the stuff you regularly do. Ask him to put aside a few hours for the two of you to spend together. Maybe go out to dinner or see friends you haven’t seen for a few months. Do this for the next few times hubby is home. If he sees that you aren’t dependent on him and you have other things going on that don’t include him maybe he will start to realize that you aren’t a doll he leaves in the corner just waiting on his return. It sounds as though you drop everything when he comes home and make him your reason for being.

If he continues to put himself down maybe it is time to suggest that he talks to someone. Maybe because of his ADHD he feels like he is a fraud always this close to discovery. The arguments probably make him feel bad about himself and resentful of you and you can only reassure you love him for only so long. Until he takes positive steps to reinforce his self esteem it is like spitting into the wind when you want a shower. And find someone you can talk to that helps you deal with the home situation. It feels like only half a life when you are looking forward to his leaving again.

REPORT ABUSE