Understanding a partner with ADHD

[MelissaTex]

It’s great to see so many ADDers who are actively working on way to live successfully with ADD. My boyfriend was diagnosed several years ago and was put on Ritalin. But refused to read any books or go to a counselor. I caught the “ADD and Loving It” movie several weeks ago and showed this site to my boyfriend. He has viewed and read darn near everything on the site, and – at first – I was really happy about that. But all he has done is use the information he has learned as a “weapon” in our relationship and to keep himself in his favorite position of “victim”. See, he can’t help that he hasn’t learned anything from his mistakes and keeps repeating them over and over (like giving access to our checking to Get Rich Quick schemers). It’s his ADD. He can’t give up porn because of his ADD. He can’t work more than a few hours a week because of his ADD. He can’t be expected to have a meaningful conversation because of his ADD. According to him, I am supposed to be a font of patience and love and tolerance. . . indefinitely, not just while he learns better coping skills. See, because he *can’t* learn anything, he has ADD. How silly of me to not realize that ADD is a Free Pass For Life for irresponsible, emotionally-abusive behavior.

I wish I could find some *real* support for partners of ADDers.

(And, no, I can’t kick him out because I’m unemployed and would lose my house without his meager income.)

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[Anonymous]

Patience, love and tolerance are all great things but your also human. My parents worked with me from an early age and showed all of those qualities. Although they were all of those things they are still human and felt frustration. When I got married my mom said “She’s going to get mad a you sometimes. Just remember your really intelligent and have all of these great qualities but your damn hard to live with sometimes.” ADHD can sometimes be a weakness but I try to never let it become an excuse. Even though i can not help some of the things I do I still see my own choices as my own responsibility. Yep, I have been impulsive, hyper, mean, thoughtless, aloof, and inattentive. Yep, the adhd doesn’t help me in these areas but it is still on me as my personal responsibility. I just try to learn from it and try to make myself better each day. Embrace the good, work on the bad, and above all else have forgiveness and hope.

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[Anonymous]

I am the one with ADHD (inattentive type) and I know I’m very difficult to live with, but still hate hearing “how difficult I am.” I chalk this up to mood swings, ever changing interests, terrible restlessness when I’m not stimulated by something, and always seeking something novel. It’s like I expect my partner to roll along with me and be there to entertain me when I need that, but to leave me alone when I require alone time. More than anything, I feel bored in my relationship much of the time. After 4 years, my partner is no longer “novel”. And although I love him, I never feel satisfied as my needs are constantly changing; how on earth can he meet my needs when he never knows what they are from one hour to the next? It’s not his fault, he tries hard but I know he always feels that I’m just out of reach, which I am. When I’m in a relationship, I long for something new. When I’m single I long for the settled feeling I have in a relationship. It’s an awful feeling to always have this inner restlessness to contend with. Yes, I am on medication, which helps in many area, but not with relationships. The fact is, I think many ADDers do great in the beginning of a relationship, but once we settle down to the ho-hum of everyday life, things start to fall apart. We have a very hard time with the ho-hum…

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[Anonymous]

Hi all, this is all new to me but I suspect my husband has ADD not the H part, just ADD. I was watching a TV program and some things started to sound too familiar, I had an “aha” moment so I started to look more into it. I need help, direction I don’t know were to go from here. I don’t even trust my layman appraisal of the situation. After 17 years of marriage several months ago we got into couples therapy because our marriage (specially the communication part of it) was falling apart. I feel so guilty because I think nothing had changed except I’ve ran out of patience, tolerance, energy to manage, and always being there to catch the next thing in our life that is usually thrown by him from falling and crashing and breaking. I really don’t know what to do… We have done so many geographic s and can never be happy. We built (I built and he bitched and judged) a beautiful home in HI only to sell it as soon as it was done because he hated it for how much attention it took to finish. We are always late for events, parties, appointments, and then he is mad and worked up the more he has to rush; but at the same time just as he is getting ready (late already) he goes out to the balcony to access how cold it is to know what to wear and he starts taking dead leaves off of the plant???? Is this ADD??? I downloaded the test and on part A all my answers regarding myself came out in the light area and all of his (which he doesn’t know yet, I filled it) has come out in dark gray area except the fidgeting. The only reason he doesn’t fidget now is because he can play with the i phone while any where. Last summer we went to pack my late Mother in law’s house and I found his grade school note books with tons of beautiful drawings in the margins but not much notes on the subject???? I have started to tell the couples therapist that his techniques are not really working, because my husband can’t really apply them when it is actually needed. He uses the methods of communication in jest on his good days and laughs about it, but never when we actually need to discuss something serious. There are so many examples I can see now. He hates crowds, he hates organizing trips, hates to be around too many people, and on and on. I just think there is an elephant in the room and unless we address it no couples therapy is going to work. As if that is not enough he also has an anger issue with me and society as a whole, ie., traffic, bank tellers, sales people etc. He is generally supper critical of people and always finds faults with them. Living with him is giving me Adult Children of Alcoholics feelings, I never know who he is going to be from moment to moment, and how I should react accordingly. I don’t know where to go from here. Our plate is so full and the fact that he has even committed to couples therapy is so great that I don’t want to tip the delicate balance by popping yet an other problem on him, besides who am I to diagnose? Please help. I’m going crazy. Am I????

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[Anonymous]

hey anyone any suggestions?

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[dspicelady]

@12ntaddup~You may want to send an email to your couples therapist detailing your concerns, making sure to acknowledge that you are in no way interested in getting him/her to take sides, but requesting advice in how to broach the subject with your husband. Perhaps, the therapist, with this new information, can observe behaviours and make recommendations based on those observations, so that the subject is brought up by someone other than you. Also, you didn’t mention if you have children? If children are present or planned for the future, this is something both of you should at least be aware of.

I am in a similar situation. I have ADD myself. My husband acknowledges that he probably does (it’s rampant in his family). He scored high in all tests he was willing to do and the documentary was like….duh! But he refuses to seek any sort of treatment. He likes how he is. Parts of who he is, is fantastic, but as you and I both know, there are parts that are extremely difficult to deal with.

I hope that whatever you choose to do (or not) works out for everyone concerned. I’m super-impressed that he was willing to go to councelling. Any suggestions on how I could get my hubby there?

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[Anonymous]

Well 12ntaddup………. you sound frustrated. This may not be the correct forum for work of this level there is so much room for misinterpretation and miscommunication. I can share this with you……… (you may not like it)….. I went to counseling over 25 years ago. My life was not going how I thought it should. My partner (I thought) was making me nuts, our family was coming apart!!!! I stayed for a whole different set of reasons. That was 25 years ago…. we have been together over 35 years.

If I might……. counseling for me (about 3 years worth)…… changed everything, it was hard. I was angry furious actually at times….. sad lonely frightened, excited, fearful, elated… all of it. It required the most courage I have ever had to muster. I went because of her…. I stayed for me!!! When I think of how hard it was/is to change, really change myself and how much time and effort it took…( and I wanted change)….. I can only ask, what are the chances of changing somebody else???

It was the most important thing I have ever done for me, my partner, my children……. once you live life “AWARE”, truly aware ….. it can never be shut off.

I would not change a thing….I have no regrets. Without the turmoil there would have been no anxiety…. without the anxiety there would have been no impetus for change….. without change no insight. Any knowledge or insights that does not bring about a higher quality of life is……. questionable???

toofat

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[Anonymous]

I am a mother of three beautiful children (6, 2 and 3m) and my husband has ADD. Lately, I have been brain storming about how to make daily life better for my family because of the frustration I feel about my husband’s interaction with us. He is on medication but I need tools to help us manage daily life stuff…I have white boaads for notes and lists, posters for behavior mainly for our son who most likely has ADHD…I have charts for him to follow too….but I don’t want to insult my husband by setting up similiar charts and lists for him…what has worked for others…I am so tired of directing, managing and being in charge of everything!

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[Anonymous]

Hey Norah…… 6, 2, and 3 months right??? Busy time girl…. no doubt….my partner and I raised two…there were crazy days!! I get that!!

Some perspective maybe Norah????

I find…… I can do what I can do….no more. What I can’t do…so what…..I have to let that go today… and I feel comfortable about that.!

Time outs ( for me) are important….. (all easy to say…. all hard to do.. I get that)

What I find unclear Norah…. I too was an ADD Partner/Dad

Your post sounds like your partner is not partnering…….maybe… is that right???? Am I to understand that …… ADD will not allow your husband to partner/share with you in the day to day work of maintaining your young family???? Yes????

toofat

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[Anonymous]

12ntaddup

It might be better if he was too find out on his own, the light might come on brighter if/ when he turns it on, Maybe buy the ADHD vid have it around where he might find it, or sometimes a friend is better to somehow get a bug into his ear about it, I think its the same in all, we work at bettering ourselves when we are ready, and willing, and not before

G

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[Anonymous]

Thanks Graham, Dspicelady and Toofat all members who responded to my post. I appreciate it.. It just feels great to belong and not feel alone. I’ll look into all your advise and see what would be the best approach.. As I said we already have our plate full with recovery of 20 years in AA both of us and Now couples therapy; I just don’t want to drop another bomb shell on him.. I do love him and don’t want to over whelm him. But thanks for the advise, specially Graham. Some one asked if we had children; thank god no, the only thing it seems we were in the right mind to decide correctly according to our needs and capabilities. Nothing against children we just did not like to have any. Love your and god bless them, raise them well they are our future too. I’ll keep it posted as to how it turns out.

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[Curlymoe115]

Both DH and I are ADHD, and our symptoms and lifestyle are completely different. When my life is organized I function well. I rarely lose my temper and am content to drift through life. DH is a go getter. Bring it on. The more hours, controversy, and problems the better. He has to always be busy, but if anything doesn’t go according to his plan he explodes. Everything was fine until we had kids. Until that time if he thought his boss was unfair, he quit. Now he feels trapped to stay in a job he hates. The kids act up and he takes it as a personal challenge against him. Our two girls have ADD and ADHD and they manifest completely different. When the girls were small he would have to babysit them if I went out. So the answer was that I could either not go out or take them with me. Our oldest got thrown out of daycare when he was an hour and a half late one time I got sick. I had children and he got playmates or rivals depending on the day.

While I love my children I did not have the energy to be a single parent 24 hours a day. I was completely overwhelmed and I did most of the parenting on my own (our children are now 18 and 13 and I still am expected to do it alone) but he was good about getting the paycheque. I was the one in the middle of the night with the screaming child and he moved to his own room. Taking them to doctors appointments or meet the teacher. Standing over them to get homework or housework done. Dad was just there for the good times, and to put them to work when he was home.

But he is supportive of us, and he lets us know that he believes in us. His temper is volatile at the best of times, and he is angered very easily. But then two minutes later it is spent and he is happy and fun to be with. As long as the good times outweigh the bad times we will stay together.

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[Anonymous]

I feel like I’m drowning! My husband of 11 years will not accept help on a consistent basis with his ADHD. I totally support him and want to help make our lives manageable. My nephew on my side of the family has ADHD, so I’ve an idea what’s involved here and I’m extremely understandable. I know without help we won’t survive. I feel so sad at times, and very disconnected to my husband. I’m even pulling away from him emotionally. I believe being positive and focussing on this should help, but instead he puts himself down. We’ve had some situations that have almost caused our marriage to fail, being unfaithful was one and cyber sex was another, so instead of walking away I look at it as a cry for help. It’s been 2 years since these things happened, but life seems to be getting worse. He’s an amazing person in his working environment with a very important job that takes him all over the world, so he’s away from home lots and I think that’s how I’ve coped for this long. I just keep thinking tomorrow is another day with even more positivity.

The first 3 years of our marriage was awesome, I’d finally found my soul mate, but things started to change. I found he would get angry at me and say very cruel things that would make you think they hated you. Approaching him with every day living chores was like treading on egg shells, not knowing what the response would be. Lets say I would ask him to do something, it would have to be done in his time, which is fine with me, but sometimes things get forgotten and by then he’s left for work and won’t be back for weeks. I would offer to help him and he would usually respond with anger. So now I just don’t ask and do it myself. I was once struggling with a box and I said “can you help me?” he came back with “what, right now?”

He cannot make decisions when he’s home, not even choosing a place to have dinner, but he make hundreds of them at work no problem. And I know that’s because he had to, and with me he doesn’t.

What I’m asking is, what the hell am I doing wrong? What should I be doing? Please help………………

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[Curlymoe115]

r123 It sounds like you have slowly slipped into the role of parent. You are afraid to ask him to take on any responsibilities, he lets you look after all decision making in the home, and when you do ask for help he sulkily does it, but only in his own time. What changed between year 3 of your marriage and now. Was he doing the same things and you overlooked it because you were in love, or was there really a monumental change. Was there a new stressor added to your relationship, was he always angry or has it been increasing over time and in severity. ADHD is always there but it can slip into the background or really rear its ugly head when there is a lot of stress. But that does not mean that you need to be the recipient of all this anger. Has he been travelling more in the last eight years and now with his job he feels like he has to be always on when he is gone. Maybe when he gets home after weeks of travelling he needs to decompress and doesn’t want to be bothered for a few days while he deals with things. That is fair but only if he explains these things to you. You are not a mind reader and the uncertainty is adding an ugly component to your marriage that will eventually lead it to fail.

As for household chores that you are saving for when he gets home, hire out. There are always advertisements for handyman services that you can check out with the BBB. That way these things get done, and hubby doesn’t feel he is forced to do them. The next time he is home you should ask him how he feels your relationship is going. No one likes this conversation but sometimes you need to reassess where you are and where you heading. When he is home continue like he is not there. Continue to go out with friends and do the stuff you regularly do. Ask him to put aside a few hours for the two of you to spend together. Maybe go out to dinner or see friends you haven’t seen for a few months. Do this for the next few times hubby is home. If he sees that you aren’t dependent on him and you have other things going on that don’t include him maybe he will start to realize that you aren’t a doll he leaves in the corner just waiting on his return. It sounds as though you drop everything when he comes home and make him your reason for being.

If he continues to put himself down maybe it is time to suggest that he talks to someone. Maybe because of his ADHD he feels like he is a fraud always this close to discovery. The arguments probably make him feel bad about himself and resentful of you and you can only reassure you love him for only so long. Until he takes positive steps to reinforce his self esteem it is like spitting into the wind when you want a shower. And find someone you can talk to that helps you deal with the home situation. It feels like only half a life when you are looking forward to his leaving again.

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[Anonymous]

R123

Great thoughts from CurlyMoe,

( I just was recently diagnosed with ADHD in my mid to late 40’s after struggling with the symptons of such)

As one with ADHD and realizing to late after 2 marriages my ADHD symptons definately had a strong influence on the demise of them… But I am not gonna jump off a clifff cauze of my Issues as they were not the only reason for the marriage failure…. I can only wish I had been diagnosed with ADHD 10-20-30 years ago as my entire life I am sure would be have been lived differently.

That said … I am wondering what systems are in place for treatment to your spouses ADHD.. Medicine, emotional and etc. As you said “he does not accept help with his adhd on a consistent basis”.. I have always been co dependent on others…… I was strong doing physical stuff and forward thinking stuff but administratively forget it. I am wondering how he is so succesfull at work.. Are his support systems needed to excell provided for him there?…. probably.

There is no doubt about it counselling is a must! for both of you….. How does he feel about that? I would suggest for your own health do not keep things inside. Tell him everything about how you feel from the head and heart for two reasons… at least. You will always know you did not keep something from him and he will also know that you hid nothing from him… Truth through communication is a big part in any relationship ADHD is no acception. As his spouse you may have the inside/track as to how best he is capable of understanding your true feelings and if they seem to fall on what you consider a deaf ear or heart. Counselling is a priority for both of you…….

I want to say ….. If he has real knowledge about ADHD and refuses to accept it is for what it is for him. Shame on him……. Not you. I am gonna say from the heart though if you see a glimmer of hope do not give up on the marriage……. However that does not mean you cannot do what you have to do what is healthy for you. The suggestions Curley provided are great ones. I would definately seek counselling for yourself maybe regardless as the near future outcomes of you and your x’s situations. You do not want to be caught off guard as I was because of lack of education/knowledge or a weak inner self…….

Below u will find a snip it about my life as one with undiagnosed ADHD and until recently educated about it…. I put it out there not for sympathy as I am beyond that. It is for educational purposes as to what can happen in the life of an ADHDer if we run from it as opposed to embracing it …If boring and not relevent just ignore it but if i did not share then i might be doing a disservice to someone that can relate and become educated…. As we are not alone as millions upon millions of us suffer from ADHD

I strongly believe my second X has ADHD…….. as a Registered Nurse she had many support systems in place. Although some may have been poor choices as if she had been more open about her reasons for divorce and false accusations made the children involved may not suffer unnecesarily. I had no knowledge about ADHD and no support systems in place but she as a one time psyche nurse had great education about ADHD and similar mental illneses. She also has a father whom had been diagnosed with Bipolar (at least that) she told me about and whom I briefly met but after our divorce found out he had many great issues that he still struggles with today … She also I have been told found a companion at work and after we split she married him, her third…poor surgeon I sympathise for him. …… You wanna hear how dependent I was to her. She told me three years prior to our divorce she was going to meet a foriegn Doctor and marry him if “i screwed up” that’s right to my face..She said she was the perfect spouse for a doctor…. (oh yep plastic surgery prior to our marriage during and after) Her schooling was supported by having a business to which she did not pay the appropriate taxes on (About a 100,000) and recieved state aid based on lack of income.little narcesistic NO! I knew of all of this but because i was dependent on her I just let it go..I can make change today NO it is not going to easy but i can do it……. I have made many many mistakes and errors that i must repair in 48 years of being on this planet …If i had been told about ADHD and had the proper support systems around me maybe things would be different…… NO just seeing how i feel with knowledge without full treatment as of yet I know better days are coming for me and anyone around me. There is hope

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[Author]

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