Re: Understanding a partner with ADHD

[Curlymoe115]

You can learn to live with anything. If SIL is a Psychologist and grew up with your spouse then maybe you should ask her what behaviours he exhibited while he was growing up. What was he doing during the time you were dating and the 3 honeymoon years. Did he have to be nagged to help out with chores, did you cheerfully do everything and let him off the hook, did he call excessively and get angry when he couldn’t get hold of you. What led to his cheating, what was going on with him at that time, how was he treating you while he was carrying on this relationship, how did you find out. All of these are things that can be examined to determine if it is worth continuing. If a lot of what is going on now started long before you met him and you ignored it or thought it was cute when he stalked your throughout the day then he may feel like you are trying to change him. We can only change ourselves and only if we feel that it is worth the effort.

When he is promising to try harder what does this mean. Get a concrete commitment about something. If the melt down is about the fact the garbage isn’t put out then get him to commit to taking it out every evening before bedtime. Routine means less chance of forgetting. Every couple has arguments about petty things but it should never denigrate into personal attacks on the other. With name calling and personal attacks it makes it really hard to trust your partner and not wonder if that is how they really see you. When he is forgetting things like your training weekend ask him to keep a notepad or calendar by the phone and jot it down. That way he isn’t as anxious about you when he calls. My hubby needs constant reminders about appointments so I jot things onto the calendar. Still he swears he has never heard about it before. ADD isn’t one set of symptoms, we all experience things differently. It sounds as though your spouse is still in denial and not ready to face things yet. So while you are continuing to work on yourself you need to take the idealistic times out of their cellophane wrapper and honestly see things as they were. Maybe this will give you a better appreciation of where the two of you are now, where you started and where you can go if he continues to resist help vs if he gets help. Even with medication and counseling nothing is ever going to be perfect. We are all just people. Good luck.

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