Understanding a partner with ADHD

[Anonymous]

Curlymoe115, and njadd. Thanks so much for adding your comments, means a great deal to me, trying to understand my part in all of this.

I’ve been attending counseling for a year now, I vowed to try my best to support my husband and make sure I was taken care of first! He also made a promise to me he would do the same, but sadly it didn’t last. He detests counseling and thinks it’s a waste of time and it doesn’t help him one bit. But I could see how different he was when he attended his sessions. Calmer, approachable and more understanding. I told him I could see we were moving towards being a team again and I liked it!

I think, Curlymoe 115, if you knew me you would see I’m one independent lady and can manage very well when her husband is away. Lets but it this way, I have my own tool box……. and I’m a volunteer fire fighter. So when I talk about daily chores, I mean putting the garbage out while I clean the rest of the house, or put a light bulb in the outside light, nothing that requires a great deal of commitment.

My husband has worked away from home all our married life and when he comes home I always let him chill for few days and ask nothing of him, so he can get back into the “living at home mode”. I have told him many times how I’m feeling and asked him how does he think our relationship is going, and we’ve both said it’s not working this way. I asked him if he would consider an ADD coach, but again he digs his heals in and said no. He also said he doesn’t want to come home and waste time on things like that when he’s only home for a short time. So what do I say to that? I certainly don’t mother him, I make him totally responsible for things, even when when I know the response isn’t going to be a good one. He told me I make him worse with my reaction to him. Like I said in my last post, I was moving away from him emotionally and didn’t feel connected to him, which makes intimacy very difficult and uncomfortable for me. He tells me I don’t hug him or kiss him like I use to and he feels rejected. That I don’t deny and I don’t want to feel this way towards the man who I love. I feel so helpless it driving me mad! He also mentioned, when I’m down he’s down and that makes his ADD worse. I told him to stop using me for his feelings and I didn’t think it was fair.

I hear from him every day, 10 times a day actually….. ha ha ha, which I don’t mind one bit, but when he cannot get a hold of me, things change. He thinks people should respond to a text message instantly, even when I’m teaching a fitness class? Not likely! So I let him have his little paddy, with the usual, name calling thrown in….. then he changes it to either sexual comments, “wanna get naked?” or humorous ones “do you love me?” So he knows when he is in that moment because he’s trying desperately to get out of it ,or try to repair the damage he just did. So I know what his methods are…… I need help getting him help, that he so adamantly refuses .

Comments would be greatly appreciated. Thanks again x

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[Anonymous]

Do you both have any close family or friends that may be from his side but understand and know of your frustrations?

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[Curlymoe115]

Your spouse is completely dependent on you if he is calling 10 times a day and then is angry if you do not drop everything to either respond immediately or pick up the line. My spouse only works an hour from home and is home every night. In the 17 years he has been doing construction I have contacted him at work 4 times. All for emergencies. When he did work away from home and was gone for a week or 2 (this went on for 5 years) he had things he wanted to do. He had a routine, and he stuck to it and talking to me interrupted this. Maybe this is the opposite extreme to yours but it sounds as though he uses these phone calls to monitor you. He gets angry and frustrated that he doesn’t have complete control over your actions when he is away.

What is your counselor saying about this. This is not the actions of a grown man this is the actions of a child. If he knows your schedule for teaching fitness classes or that you are a volunteer fire person why does he think that it would be appropriate or even practical for him to name call when you take a few minutes to reply. Does he think that the building will stop burning while you LOL him. That is a whole separate issue from the ADHD. It could be anxiety that you could get into trouble if he is too far away to be of help but it could also be a control issue. I think that you and he need to explore where this obsessive need to have your immediate attention is coming from. If he is in the middle of a business meeting and you text him does he drop everything to reply, of course not.

I am glad that you are pursuing counselling. And your spouse will only pursue this when he feels a need. More than likely he is not ready to admit that he needs a serious outside opinion. That you are already employing a lot of the strategies that I suggested is also good because that means that you are maintaining a separate personality from your spouse and can stand up for yourself. The female love life is strongly dependent on how she views herself and her spouse and where you see your love life. If you feel that your spouse is not appreciative of your input why would you feel like you could trust him in the bedroom with your body or your feelings. This is natural as I am sure your counselor tells you if you have discussed this with them. You have employed all the strategies and asked for what you need yet when you don’t react positively with the “appropriate” physical appreciation of him he feels rejected. No guff. The next time he tells you that he feels rejected reiterate that you feel like you have become his parent and his caregiver and that that does not initiate strong intimate feelings. There is nothing sexier to a woman than a man who does the dishes or tries to make life easier on his wife. When she is carping about the garbage for the 50th time in 3 days she sure isn’t slipping into her sexiest nightgown and posing in the doorway. That is just common sense to a woman. Looking up and watching you struggle with a box and playing dumb about your need for a hand is a sure sign to hubby that he is going to get a little time on the time out couch.

Stay strong and continue to work on you. Understand that your partner is struggling and is human and we all do things when we feel that need to do it. You can’t get him help if he isn’t ready to accept it, but that doesn’t mean that you can’t keep reminding him that you felt more positive about the future of your relationship when he was pursuing counseling. The next time he starts name calling when you don’t respond immediately to his calls or text tell him you are hanging up and do it. When he is ready to have an adult conversation he can call back. This way he knows that you are not his “punching” bag that he gets to dump on when he is feeling angry or down. You are his partner and have more then earned his respect. If he finds that you are no longer willing to let it slide because he has ADD then he is more likely to stop and think before picking up the phone. We can’t help that we have low impulse control but we are all quite capable of controlling our reactions. Hubby wouldn’t have done as well in his career or stayed as long if he did the same to coworkers so you know he has some control that he isn’t exhibiting with you. I am sending only positive thoughts for you and hubby. The immediate future will be a little rocky but hopefully this will lead the way to a smoother path. Keep believing in yourself and him.

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[Anonymous]

Njadd, my sister in law has a degree in psychology and has had many, many conversations over the years with her brother regarding his life. She knows when he calls, things have to be really bad. I talk to her all the time and she’s great making me understand what’s going on here. My own sister has a son of 19 yrs with ADD and she too is a huge help when I need it.

Curlymoe115. Thanks so much for the last post, that was just like talking to my counsellor! Who, by the way can separate his ADD actions from his childish ones. I find myself saying, it’s just his ADD, it’s just his ADD, breeeeeeathe……. it’s very difficult for me to recognize the difference between the two. And yes you’re right he would never answer my text when he’s preoccupied with work issues. He also has a terrible memory and will ask two or three times in the space of an hour what my work schedule is. (when he’s home) so I told him I would put up a daily schedule to help him. Oh and by the way, it’s the same every week unless I have a personal training client booked in. Last weekend I was involved with Ice Rescue Training and would be out of the cellular area, he called the house and got no reply, so he proceed to call his nieces who were staying with me that weekend to find out where I was and why I wasn’t answering my phone. He’d forgotten I had told him the previous night, so he sent an email apologizing……. which was greatly appreciated.

I find, when I finally tell him my feelings he will say “that’s not true” or “how can that be” or “that’s just stupid” it’s black and it’s white. It’s only after I have a total melt down and tell him I cannot do this anymore, that he finally realizes this is actually happening. He then consoles me and says ‘I know I’m not easy to live with and I don’t know why you stay with me, you’d be better of with someone else, I will try harder” and “I’m nothing without you” So now I understand your point when you said, I’m more like his parent at times

My husbands side of the family tell me I’m the best thing thing that’s ever happened to him. I keep asking myself, how? He doesn’t want me to talk about his ADD and I believe he wants me to act like it doesn’t exist. Can life really go on like this?

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[Curlymoe115]

You can learn to live with anything. If SIL is a Psychologist and grew up with your spouse then maybe you should ask her what behaviours he exhibited while he was growing up. What was he doing during the time you were dating and the 3 honeymoon years. Did he have to be nagged to help out with chores, did you cheerfully do everything and let him off the hook, did he call excessively and get angry when he couldn’t get hold of you. What led to his cheating, what was going on with him at that time, how was he treating you while he was carrying on this relationship, how did you find out. All of these are things that can be examined to determine if it is worth continuing. If a lot of what is going on now started long before you met him and you ignored it or thought it was cute when he stalked your throughout the day then he may feel like you are trying to change him. We can only change ourselves and only if we feel that it is worth the effort.

When he is promising to try harder what does this mean. Get a concrete commitment about something. If the melt down is about the fact the garbage isn’t put out then get him to commit to taking it out every evening before bedtime. Routine means less chance of forgetting. Every couple has arguments about petty things but it should never denigrate into personal attacks on the other. With name calling and personal attacks it makes it really hard to trust your partner and not wonder if that is how they really see you. When he is forgetting things like your training weekend ask him to keep a notepad or calendar by the phone and jot it down. That way he isn’t as anxious about you when he calls. My hubby needs constant reminders about appointments so I jot things onto the calendar. Still he swears he has never heard about it before. ADD isn’t one set of symptoms, we all experience things differently. It sounds as though your spouse is still in denial and not ready to face things yet. So while you are continuing to work on yourself you need to take the idealistic times out of their cellophane wrapper and honestly see things as they were. Maybe this will give you a better appreciation of where the two of you are now, where you started and where you can go if he continues to resist help vs if he gets help. Even with medication and counseling nothing is ever going to be perfect. We are all just people. Good luck.

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[Anonymous]

Curlymoe115, it’s not just the petty things, like taking out the garbage, my melt down would have brewed for a few weeks with a lot more than, “not just putting out the garbage”. I couldn’t give a toss to be honest, because I just end up doing it myself. It goes way deeper than that.

Before our marriage he was the man I’d been looking for my whole adult life. Not one sign of ADD. Now remember I have a nephew with ADD, so I have that knowledge even before we met. He was involved and did everything. After we were married, I did notice he was very controlling with me when I took my first visit to his sister’s in another province while he was away working. And I have to be honest, he never stopped calling me, and in the end I had to stop answering the phone and his sister’s took over. I dug my heals in though and stood up for myself. After that he was fine and I’ve managed to deal with him.

I hang up if the conversation turns bad, and that seems to make him worse. But again I don’t answer and let him sleep on it till the next day. He usually leaves messages saying he’s needs information regarding his work and can I call him right away. Yeah like I’m going to fall for that one! So I’m getting wiser every day. Just give him time to cool off seems to work in my favour.

I found out he was being unfaithful about almost 4 years into the marriage. I could sense him changing, very short tempered, arguing, and not agreeing, on what felt like almost everything! I would go up to bed, he would say he would be up soon and stay on the computer. This continued on and I began to get suspicious, so I saved his conversations. Busted! he was having internet sex with another women. So first thing I did was add her to my contacts and confronted her, because I knew he would deny it. I was right and plus I had the saved conversation as proof. I would be really quiet when he’d call. so he knew something was wrong.. I just kept telling him no everything was fine and he demanded to know, so I told him. He Denied it, but when I told him I have a copy of your conversation and the name of the girl, he came clean. He was disgusted with himself, and he would never do it again. So I forgave him after a while and trust me, it takes a while for me to get over things, which doesn’t help either, then we moved on. Until maybe after around a year later, I was looking at the telephone bill and noticed a whole bunch of numbers I didn’t recognize that we’re out of province numbers. So again I called them and asked for a name such as Julie, no julie there, this is a…….. went through them and they were all women. So again I had to confront him, again he denies it, until I real off all the names. BUSTED again. Same thing as before, apologies etc. February 2009, I found out this time he’s actually had intercourse. I was over to the country he was working, the November before, and he was a little quiet with me the whole time I was there, he didn’t seem himself. He returned home in February for a few weeks then returned to work. I go to check my email and if find he had left his on. I know the day he was leaving he was in a rush. I’d seen an email sent to a women telling her what time his flight was coming in. BUSTED again. So I sent an email to his boss saying I needed to get hold of him urgently, He calls me while traveling from the airport to his hotel. All I kept thinking of was, I have to stop him, I have to, I managed to stop him! Again he denies it. But I told him I had been in contact with the prostitute who had the decency to tell me the truth in her broken english. Sex for money. He immediately returned home and I told him if this was going to work you need help and support from your family plus counseling. Counseling was fine he said, but not my family. I said you have no choice if you want me. I was sick to death of making excuses for him. So he had to sit in front of his parents and tell them. I think that was the hardest thing he ever had to do. Counseling didn’t last, and we tried several. So here we are 2 years almost to the day. (weird)

He told the prostitute in his emails that he loved her and wanted nothing more than to be with her. WOW! Maybe he just wanted the sex, that I wasn’t giving him?

I will not walk away from this marriage without knowing I tried.

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[Anonymous]

I wish I could say something to make it all better…….. I have little to offer here. sorry. I do give you props for your dedication, I hope you are seeking professsional independent help “independent” i think is key… My X sought assistance (or excuse) from another whom had an agenda and issues herself that absolutely had an inference in my x’s decisions; although not officially a family memeber this other crutch pronounced and announced herelf as grandma to the kids………. I thought it was kinda weird but i blew it off as when i mentioned to my X she defended her to know end and as being codependent i dropped it not to make waves huge mistake.(hence your sister in law may not be an independent auditor)…….

Please remember today as opposed to when i was young If you have sex with one and move onto the next and it is unprotected you can transfer more than an itch……..

Please please take care of yourself ……. i will make sure to keep an eye out for your posts .. if for not any reason other than i hope for triumph over evil no matter what evil may be………..

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[Anonymous]

njadd, thanks for your kind words, means a great deal. Talking this out has made me realize I’m not going crazy mad after all!

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[Anonymous]

Question?

Any tips on how to approach the husband finding professional help? Should we be doing this as a couple?

I’m still no further forward. I’ve talked to my husband regarding a coach but he just keeps saying, “what is a coach going to do for me, when other professionals haven’t worked for me in the past?”

He’s just returned home after 2 months away working. The first month away was extremely challenging and he again wanted me to get all sexy over internet chat, even asked me to take a photograph of my ass and send it to him……………Many would laugh, and even send the photo, but because of the past, in my eyes it makes it feels seedy. I made a decision to shut down communication and made sure we talked over the phone instead. The point I’m making here is the fact I’m not comfortable with any of this and have repeatedly expressed my feelings but he still tries, which makes me feel very irritated, angry and upset he’s not honouring my feelings. MORE TIME ON THE COACH,…… AGAIN! I had to take a time out. I think he finally got it. The second month was so much more manageable.

My councillor recommend maybe taking time out of my marriage to make him understand we’re not managing our lives well this way and we need to come up with a plan. Sometimes actions speak louder than words. He was extremely upset and angry at this and a whole mixture of emotions came flooding out. In one breath he said go then he tells me he cannot live his life without me. I said we needed to work on us when he came home and he was furious that I was taking up valuable home time on this, and I’m nothing but dome and gloom. We spent the first night home, mostly me sobbing and not able to make much sense! And him getting angry and upset. I’m still not feeling emotionally connected to him and find intimacy a struggle. Yep, try telling that to your husband who’s been away for 2 months!

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