Re: What to do if your spouse wants a job change?

[Patte Rosebank]

That’s a tough one. Many of us find that the regulated, 9-to-5, same thing every day, paperwork & procedures world is anathema. We’d much rather be doing jobs that vary from day to day, interacting with people, and creating things. We’re the innovators and the dreamers, not the paper-pushers. Unfortunately, the kind of jobs we like usually don’t provide much security, and never pay very well.

Well-meaning family members, who believe they are looking out for our best interests, will push us to take the more secure jobs. Just like they’ll also push us to lose weight. They insist, “Just think how much happier you’ll be.” Well, I can tell you that you WON’T be much happier. You’ll be in a secure job, making plenty of money, but every day, you’ll be dealing with the pressure of being a very square peg, trying to fit into a very round hole. As for the weight-loss thing, if you’re a miserable fat person, you may end up with a great new body, but you’ll still be miserable, because you haven’t dealt with your real issues.

I tried the 9-to-5 world for many years. The pay was great, but I always struggled to try to fit into that world where I simply didn’t belong. Today, I’m doing several part-time jobs. They don’t pay too well, but I love what I’m doing, and the people I work with are great! But I’m a singleton, so I can do this.

It complicates things when you have a spouse and kids depending on you. You need to consider them, and their needs. This is something that requires major thought and evaluation. You need to make a list of the pros and cons of entrepreneurship vs. a steady, sensible job. Comparing the lists will help you to make a decision.

There are also many questions you need to answer: When did your spouse make this demand? What led up to it? What are the consequences if you don’t do what he/she has demanded? Ultimatums in relationships are very dangerous things, because they basically put an end to all negotiations. Something has pushed your spouse to this point. What is it? Does your spouse recognize and accept that your behaviours that so frustrate him/her are not deliberate, but are caused by the different way that the ADD brain works?

All of these things need to be discussed, ideally with an ADD counsellor, or a marriage counsellor who specializes in relationships that involve ADD. Otherwise, you’ll feel that the sessions have turned into an attack on you, as though you’re deliberately being impossible. And the one thing we ADDers really can’t stand is what we perceive to be a personal attack!

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