What to do if your spouse wants a job change?

[Anonymous]

Has anyone here with ADHD had an experience where your spouse has demanded that you change your job from an entrepreneur to go and find a full time job (9 to 5) that is risk-free?

Seems like a very difficult and almost impossible request that will lead to much frustration.

Looking forward to your responses!

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[Patte Rosebank]

That’s a tough one. Many of us find that the regulated, 9-to-5, same thing every day, paperwork & procedures world is anathema. We’d much rather be doing jobs that vary from day to day, interacting with people, and creating things. We’re the innovators and the dreamers, not the paper-pushers. Unfortunately, the kind of jobs we like usually don’t provide much security, and never pay very well.

Well-meaning family members, who believe they are looking out for our best interests, will push us to take the more secure jobs. Just like they’ll also push us to lose weight. They insist, “Just think how much happier you’ll be.” Well, I can tell you that you WON’T be much happier. You’ll be in a secure job, making plenty of money, but every day, you’ll be dealing with the pressure of being a very square peg, trying to fit into a very round hole. As for the weight-loss thing, if you’re a miserable fat person, you may end up with a great new body, but you’ll still be miserable, because you haven’t dealt with your real issues.

I tried the 9-to-5 world for many years. The pay was great, but I always struggled to try to fit into that world where I simply didn’t belong. Today, I’m doing several part-time jobs. They don’t pay too well, but I love what I’m doing, and the people I work with are great! But I’m a singleton, so I can do this.

It complicates things when you have a spouse and kids depending on you. You need to consider them, and their needs. This is something that requires major thought and evaluation. You need to make a list of the pros and cons of entrepreneurship vs. a steady, sensible job. Comparing the lists will help you to make a decision.

There are also many questions you need to answer: When did your spouse make this demand? What led up to it? What are the consequences if you don’t do what he/she has demanded? Ultimatums in relationships are very dangerous things, because they basically put an end to all negotiations. Something has pushed your spouse to this point. What is it? Does your spouse recognize and accept that your behaviours that so frustrate him/her are not deliberate, but are caused by the different way that the ADD brain works?

All of these things need to be discussed, ideally with an ADD counsellor, or a marriage counsellor who specializes in relationships that involve ADD. Otherwise, you’ll feel that the sessions have turned into an attack on you, as though you’re deliberately being impossible. And the one thing we ADDers really can’t stand is what we perceive to be a personal attack!

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[Saffron]

It CAN be done. But you need to be doing what you do best, and you need to have a commitment from your employer for specific areas of flexibility before accepting a job.

Personally speaking, I struggled for years with the world of 9 to 5, and found that breaking from it to start up a business was invigorating for its flexibility, variation and nonstop stimulation, despite all of the late nights and dog-hard work it entailed.

But now I have kids, and I absolutely must have a reliable income and medical/dental benefits. Thankfully, I sought out and landed an employee-type job where my greatest areas of expertise are used to the hilt and very much valued. I made it a condition of accepting the job that I be allowed a flexible arrival time in the morning (as long as I put in the hours and never miss a deadline), and the employer has honoured that.

I never thought I would feel successful or fulfilled working on someone else’s schedule and framework, but I do. Really. Good luck. If you can make a go of it, the security can be worth it, I assure you.

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[Anonymous]

Thanks to the both of you for your advice!

Larynxa, my response below:

-yes my spouse at least finally can attribute all of the ‘mess-ups’ to ADHD and recognize that none of the unfortunate outcomes were on purpose or evil doing. However, she wants nothing to do with supporting me and having to redesign our environment so that I can more successfully get things done. Not a good foundation to work from but still trying to work with her.

Saffron, my response below:

-I am so excited for you that you have been lucky enough to find a job to meet your needs and where you can leverage your strengths. However, I have tried it once before and just too difficult when working with management who in the first place doesn’t even believe ADHD even exists. But, you do give those of us in my situation a glimmer of hope! Thanks!

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[Patte Rosebank]

If you really must take a 9-to-5 job for the security, I’d definitely agree with Saffron’s suggestions. Also, look for something in a creative field, or in the charitable/not-for-profit sector. Although the pay may be a bit lower than in the corporate sector, they’re usually much more understanding of your condition and its effects on your performance. Besides that, you’ll also get the extra satisfaction of knowing that what you’re doing is actually making a difference. And that feels a lot better than just working for a paycheque.

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[Anonymous]

Larynxa,

Again great suggestions! However, I simply cannot do it. The benefits of being an entrepreneur are too many. The critical key is to have an environment and an Exec. Assistant or Virtual Assist. to take over the admin role.

Wish I had done this a long time ago.

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[Patte Rosebank]

Jeremy, I couldn’t do it either. Not even in the charitable sector. Mind you, that was during all my years of pretending to be an admin assistant, which was mostly anathema to me. Pushing paper just doesn’t cut it for me. But when I was helping organize a charity’s move from its location of 50 years into a new building, now THAT was fun! Digging through archives, finding old office technology stashed away in the attic… I still have the manual typewriter and circa-1960 box of Grand & Toy onionskin paper (which makes a lovely crinkly sound), which I liberated from the dumpster pile.

VERY good idea about getting an assistant to handle what you can’t (like the administrative details), and tailoring your environment to suit your working methods. That’s how Richard Branson (of Virgin) does it.

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