Thanks trashman,
It’s not wrong to wear our heart on our sleeve, that’s just my opinion. My attitude has been a little bit better lately and I’ve taken another step back from some challenging new friendships. I haven’t given up. Just letting myself take a break from the struggle of trying to be a friend to people I don’t yet have that much in common with. I’m giving myself a rest. I will keep putting myself out into the world and taking risks, just putting myself into different social settings. Having my heart out on my sleeve is simply part of how I’m built. So I have become willing to step back from people and places that push me too hard to act like someone I may never be. Now I have more energy to spend on the friendships that are working.
Being a friend is becoming more important than having friends. I accept where I am in the big picture of humanity, I do fit when I focus more on what I can do to bring some comfort to other folks, the folks I’m able to be a friend to are more like me, not the social butterflies. People struggling as much as me with being a human being. When I look for these people I find a lot more than I ever realized were out there.
Part of what lets me move foreword is letting go of what our society considers successful people. I’ve spent a lot of time hiding out from the world because I wanted to fit in with the those people. I have to take responsibility for putting off learning how to really just be a friend until now. The more I surrender to whatever role I’ve been given, the easier it is to be happy with it. I’m finding that learning to be a friend to people is enough, friendships that I have judged as lower on the social ladder are actually much more rewarding when I stop comparing my life to the wrong people. I’m not less, just different. I’m part of the vast majority of humanity that might only end up with a small handful of quality friendships, they will be more real and lasting than a lot of what I’ve had. We’re not very visible in the artificial world of Entertainment, Movies, and TV. There are not a lot of those popular good looking people in real life.
Keeping my expectations out of the equation and focusing on what I can contribute is letting me feel more comfortable with the friends I do have. However humble we may be. The friendships that accept me as I am are with folks that are just as far behind learning social skills as me. Real people, people I meet in support groups and the ones struggling just as much as I am with mental health issues. Honest people.
It’s hard work but I’m learning to accept the good feedback I get from folks at my level. I’m settling in to being part of the folks with their hearts out on their sleeves a little bit more. I’ll bet there are more of us in the world than we think.
Now you say, “stick with me kid, you’ll go far” cuz I’m a couple years younger 
Peace Brother
6-28-12
PS, it’s freaky when I feel like I’ve made some good decisions and have a measureable amount of dignity. I can imagine one of my ex-girlfriends saying “you think you’re so cool” lol. what a load of crap that was, huh? hek, sometimes it don’t matter how I spell measureable. I’m comfortable in my skin here now, n most days that’s all that matters. Cool, huh?
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