The Forums › Forums › For The Non-ADD › Relationships › Share coping skills to survive a relationship when both of you are ADD! › Re: Share coping skills to survive a relationship when both of you are ADD!
My DH and I have been married for 21 years. We both have ADHD with very different presenting symptoms. I am the hoarder that lives in piles of disorganized piles. He was brought up by a mother who could lift the world on her shoulders and then vacuum under them. He was encouraged to collect everything. His room was always clean and he knew where every piece of every collection was because no one ever touched his things, yet he can not remember a conversation 2 minutes after it takes place, always has to do just one more thing even though he has been screaming about us being late for 2 hours, always leaves for work with barely time to make it in before the bell, and is forever starting things then running to do something else. A simple task of folding a load of laundry can take 2 or more hours. (Never discourage helping behaviour even if you could absolutely strangle him for what he is doing)
As I mentioned I have an extreme difficulty getting organized, live in a state of endless clutter. But I can remember every little detail that takes place in a conversation for months or years afterwards (especially if it struck an emotional cord with me), but when I go to the grocery store for milk I often forget milk. I lose my keys, purse, debit card, clothes, glasses, books, drinks etc. We both have an extreme difficulty with crowds and when we attend a party we often socialize strictly with one or two other people because it is very easy to get overwhelmed.
Because of our differences and the way we think we are often absolutely delighted with each others company. We agree on most areas (don’t get us started on child rearing, our families, the state of the house, ect) and so it is always great when we have time together. Our children are of course both ADD with different presentations that in a lot of ways mimic one or the other of us. So what we do not appreciate in the other or ourselves we see in our children. The teachers at the school often remark how like us they both are and we just accept it as a compliment.
This means that because of his short memory he often accuses me of keeping secrets from him. I not only tell him I write it on the calendar but he doesn’t often look at this tool. But he often acknowledges my absolute superiority in most things so I am able to overlook this little flaw. Just Joking, about overlooking the flaws. I may never win the good housekeeping seal but I am a great partner and keep the kids fed, his laundry done, the house still has heat and power, the house hasn’t been repossessed, so I take this as a win, and so does he. He is a great worker, he can get more done in a day then the average person, is great with faces, good with people, and if he puts something down and it isn’t moved can put his finger on it again quickly.
But I can certainly understand where you are coming from about putting things too high. My height is under 5 ft and his is closer to 6 ft so he feels that we should maximize every inch of cupboard space in our too small kitchen. Every spice I use on a regular basis if he finds it on the counter he places on the top shelf in the spice cupboard, every bowl or dish is above my reach and I often use spatulas or other “reaching” tools to get things down. His organizational plan is completely different then mine and we mostly agree to disagree. If I get it down and put it back it stays where I want it, but if I leave it out then I better have something to reach with.
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