Share coping skills to survive a relationship when both of you are ADD!

[Anonymous]

|HELP!! Both of us are ADD.with different issues and symptoms!!

After over 15 months living together, I am ready to thump him with all the noise he creates, but just does not hear or is not aware of!

We both struggle to acheive our daily tasks often, both forgetting things to do……..and then there is the snappy anger ………ak!!

I fly of fthe handle at the snap of my fingers, and he steps right into it….or he gets ticked off and I get insulted……lol!!

Dare I also mention that we have my 22 yrear old ADD daughter living in the basement suite with her potentially showing many signs already of being ADD 3 year old daughter…………..bleck!!!!

Can a relationship survive with 2 people being both ADD????

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[Ivriniel]

I hope so. I’m getting married in January, and my fiance scored very high on the ADHD quiz on the site.

One thing we are doing (which wouldn’t help in your case) is that for now at least, we’re not combining households. I work in Northwest Toronto, he lives in Guelph (and works in Kitchener). We’re planning on getting a place in Milton.

We have decided that it would be better to each declutter or own places, and then move into a new house together rather than try and put my stuff into his place. I’m hoping that this way, we’ll be able to establish some routines around where stuff goes from the scratch, that would be easier to maintain.

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[Anonymous]

funny that you should mention stuff, and trying to put it in its place..lol!!

Big argument today over stuff in the kitchen!! We moved this October into a new home, and trying to combine our things together is very trying and usually ends up in one of us losing our temper!! I tend to be very safety concious, which is not a OCD thing, but just when ever I an doing something or placing an item somewhere, thinking if it will be safe there. My 3 year old grand daughter lives in the basement suite so child proofing is very NB!!

Last time I tried to cook, when I reached into the cupboard where the cooking pans are stored, he has placed them so high, all one on the other, with a glass lid, stacked behind the pots. First I had to struggle to remove the pots that were jammed in and stuck with a handle inbetweeen them, then when I finally managed to pull them all out in one lump, there was a loose glass lid ready to roll off the shelf on to a tile floor!! GRRRR!!!!

NOt safe and I told him to please not do that, first stack the pots with the lids on so that they are easy to remove……..and not to put glass lids like that .

Today I get that thrown back at me with a few other nasty comments about being critical of him………..for crying in a frikking bucket!!

Am I the only person that considers that to be not a smart move and unsafe!!

The whole conversation went down hill when I first asked him this morning why there was stuff all over the counter, recipy book, egplant x 2, 3 things of cat food……….

Our kitchen is totally inadequate and has no counter space………..so I wanted to make something for breakfast……….

backtrack..he alway complains that I leave stuff on the kitchen table………….and takes it to my office, and deposits it upon the never ending pile……lol!!

Yeah , I am kind of ranting here……but really, two people living together, who both have ADD, wiht very different issues and symptoms, is often a struggle…if the other is always going to take everyting said to them in a sharper tone, and a personal affront……..and we do this all the time………….

This morning after asking why there was all this stuff on the counter ( his way of trying to remember stuff and not using a darn list method) I opened the kitchen drawer and noticed the sharp metal end pointy corn holders ready to attack my fingers………..lol!! Remember safety concern me, so I gather them up and ask why did he not put them somewhere else so that its safer!!

Another rant from him hits me about my being critical…………… of course I rant back equally……blech!!

By this time I think a swearword as I manage to contain myself and not swear out aloud, and retreat in a huff to my office,……..

Now I am ticked off enough to actually manage to kill a mind numbing task that I have procrastinated for weeks, I finally sorted out the mountain of papers he and I have piled on my desk!!!

Now he is trying to suck up to me…….lol!!

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[Anonymous]

Wow, I can seriously relate to all of the above, sadly. I am just trying to learn how to cope with ADD and I need new tools to do it. I am hoping to learn specific coping skills and other good information here. Thanks everyone for sharing. Cat

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[Curlymoe115]

My DH and I have been married for 21 years. We both have ADHD with very different presenting symptoms. I am the hoarder that lives in piles of disorganized piles. He was brought up by a mother who could lift the world on her shoulders and then vacuum under them. He was encouraged to collect everything. His room was always clean and he knew where every piece of every collection was because no one ever touched his things, yet he can not remember a conversation 2 minutes after it takes place, always has to do just one more thing even though he has been screaming about us being late for 2 hours, always leaves for work with barely time to make it in before the bell, and is forever starting things then running to do something else. A simple task of folding a load of laundry can take 2 or more hours. (Never discourage helping behaviour even if you could absolutely strangle him for what he is doing)

As I mentioned I have an extreme difficulty getting organized, live in a state of endless clutter. But I can remember every little detail that takes place in a conversation for months or years afterwards (especially if it struck an emotional cord with me), but when I go to the grocery store for milk I often forget milk. I lose my keys, purse, debit card, clothes, glasses, books, drinks etc. We both have an extreme difficulty with crowds and when we attend a party we often socialize strictly with one or two other people because it is very easy to get overwhelmed.

Because of our differences and the way we think we are often absolutely delighted with each others company. We agree on most areas (don’t get us started on child rearing, our families, the state of the house, ect) and so it is always great when we have time together. Our children are of course both ADD with different presentations that in a lot of ways mimic one or the other of us. So what we do not appreciate in the other or ourselves we see in our children. The teachers at the school often remark how like us they both are and we just accept it as a compliment.

This means that because of his short memory he often accuses me of keeping secrets from him. I not only tell him I write it on the calendar but he doesn’t often look at this tool. But he often acknowledges my absolute superiority in most things so I am able to overlook this little flaw. Just Joking, about overlooking the flaws. I may never win the good housekeeping seal but I am a great partner and keep the kids fed, his laundry done, the house still has heat and power, the house hasn’t been repossessed, so I take this as a win, and so does he. He is a great worker, he can get more done in a day then the average person, is great with faces, good with people, and if he puts something down and it isn’t moved can put his finger on it again quickly.

But I can certainly understand where you are coming from about putting things too high. My height is under 5 ft and his is closer to 6 ft so he feels that we should maximize every inch of cupboard space in our too small kitchen. Every spice I use on a regular basis if he finds it on the counter he places on the top shelf in the spice cupboard, every bowl or dish is above my reach and I often use spatulas or other “reaching” tools to get things down. His organizational plan is completely different then mine and we mostly agree to disagree. If I get it down and put it back it stays where I want it, but if I leave it out then I better have something to reach with.

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