no probs julianna 
you’re right- it is about others. how weird…..
forgeterer… i totally agree about the untapped resource- i just need directing. if someone called me every morning at 8am, presented me with a tempting mission and enthused me into action, i’d be flying and it’d be disturbing how much’d get done.
they love me at my volunteering location- whenever i’m around there is much constructive chatting and educating and problemsolving happening with the public, staff laughing and singing in the prep-room, happy kitties purring and being brushed and being chatted with all over the place, and a stack of stuff from cleaning to paperwork sorting to adopting and training miraculously gets done- it’s a little chaotic and messy sometimes, and i do a fair few circles and lose my train of thought rather often in the process, but people actively seek me out and say “this is the woman you wanna talk to/i was telling you about!” and i hear them talking about me just within earshot “she’s so funny!- remember when she called whiskas catfood kitty crack/cat mcdonalds/came straight into the store, and dived under the shelving unit to rescue that kitten who nobody could capture, nonchalantly flashing her thong to all and sundry in the process, and retrieved him in seconds- jumping up triumphantly covered in catlitter and fur tumbleweeds with a huge grin on her face, and getting him back into his cage safe and sound before he knew what’d happened?” -and they’re always throwing compliments at me.
yesterday i discovered online how to make a cat-tree out of pvc soil pipes (cos those suckers are insanely expensive to buy, and lousy both quality and options wise!), found some cash, and sang enthusiastically at full pelt along to the radio while car-seat moshing all the way to lowes and back, filled with enthusiasm and grand elaborate ideas to build it…. when i get started, everybody needs to clear the way or hang on for dear life! … it’s just about getting started, and keeping going. the bf is at work today, and so i’ve um…. talked on the phone at my mum (i said ‘at’ on purpose – thats how we communicate- whoever talks loudest wins) for 90 minutes, eaten broccolli, and had a shower (its now 7:50pm) so far. no cat tree is yet forthcoming. or much else. 
i need a management team, perhaps. or a minder. 
definately not the lottery- it’d be abject chaos if i had that much money. lovely lovely chaos with near constant massages from jensen ackles enjoyed on my private jet full of kitties as i faffed around internationally wasting fossil fuels and confusing the snot out of people on a grand scale….
lindstr7: i’m just on 225 of effexor and 60 of strattera at the moment, i’ve given up on the slow release generic methyl for a bit after just a week- cos the headaches were pretty flipping crippling and i didn’t love lying on the couch wincing and wailing all evening. 
i’m only allowed one script every 2 weeks, so i’m gonna call the pharmacist and see if they have or can get hold of a different generic, or a name brand version, and if i can have a try at that as soon as i’m able- i know generics are meant to be the same as whatever they’re copies of, but drugs and bodies are funny things (mine especially! ) – so i reckon it wouldn’t hurt to see how i do on another brand (well, it quite possibly will hurt actually, now that i think of it, but i have loadsa painkillers knocking about- and a bit of a masochistic streak apparently- so i’m prepared to give it a go!).
yep, that loada stuff was a ritaliny day- i can do that without it though, i just need the right initial shove, someone to hold me accountable (guilt vs praise is my best motivator) and to not dare think about stopping. the only problem is that sooner or later i fall in a crumpled heap if i do that, so i also need someone to help me wind down and stop me by bedtime, or it invariably ends in tears.
luckily for me i don’t watch much tv, cos i’m too impatient with the commercials and the quality of tv round these parts is really dire compared to english telly (tv online is another thing entirely- i can watch whole seasons back to back if i remember about doing that when i’m infront of the computer- luckily i usually don’t have the idea in my head long enough to get drawn in ) and long time ago i decided that i am really not cut out for drink and weed, much as i love them, and i don’t let myself even consider them any more, lest it all turn rather rapidly and messily to crap (as it definately will, if i was to partake).
i really am worried about wondering where the hell it went- even at 31 i can see the clock whizzing by since i left college at 18 (how long ago was that?! no way was that 13 years! what have i done exactly since then? erm…..)…..
i’m still pretty much where i was last monday, and the monday before…. still having not filled in forms to try and claim help with employment and that sorta stuff- which i could have taken to the ministry of whateveritis on the 18th of march -had i done that, and sent them to my shrink to cosign, and gone to get them back again from him. and i have no real excuse beyond procrastination, cos i’m super-good at forms. argh!