recently (and unexpectedly) diagnosed- and still floundering

[Anonymous]

so…… the jen update:

the 80mg dose of strattera turned me into ‘little miss argh!’ (i’d be constantly yelling at poor bf and desperately trying not to throw hair straighteners and glasses of juice and computer mouses (mice?) out of the window because i was so easily irritated by practically everything that got within 20 feet of me) …. which i stuck through for 3 weeks, but it got really beyond stupid after a bit, so i called the doctors receptionist -he was away on a conference, but she was very nice- and we decided that i should knock it back down to 60mg, cos after a few weeks of my using superhuman powers of restraint and the bf keeping his head down so much that he looked like he’d been decapitated, i was close to losing my last few remaining marbles completely, and she wasn’t so keen on my having a meltdown and her having to tell the doctor that’d happened when he got back.

so that was fun…. i shoulda taken up the shotput or something and made the most of it…

i finally saw him again a few days ago- after a few weeks back on the 60mg, and we decided to ditch the wellbrutin from my little collection of pills, in exchange for concerta, cos i didn’t really wanna be on 4 psych pills and an antihistamine cos i’d probably start to rattle, and cos wellbrutin makes my face perspire insanely the minute i do any kind of exercise, which isn’t exactly ideal. seriously, it’s like switching on a tap- and that drysol stuff you can buy for excessive persipration…. it’s tricky to use when you can’t stop sweating, cos it’ll burn your face if it’s remotely damp when applied. trust me, been there, tried it, didn’t sleep for 2 nights and looked unfortunately like a hyperactive drippy lobster with poorly applied foundation sliding off her peeling visage for quite a while.

so anyway… i went cold off the wellbrutin for two days, which was odd- i was very tearful for the first night, and the second day was ADHD hell. the dreadful song from the radio alarm clock got stuck in my head, so as i got into the shower that morning i tried singing another song….. which left me with 2 rather different songs going around in there… not the desired outcome. so i tried again. by the time i got out of the shower (after forgetting to wash my face not once but twice, nearly knocking myself out, and trying to put soap in my hair) i had 5 different songs simultaneously bouncing off the walls of my brain, had been hypnotised beyond reason by the white bubbles on a purple translucent bar of soap and spent some time sniffing it (supposed to be wildberries and lavendar- smells like marzipan- as does my giant box of sewing safety pins for some bizzare reason, but anyway thats not 100% relevant so yeah- omit that from memory peeps) and i’d come up with some profound discovery about why people always leave an inch of shampoo in the old bottle on the shelf and start using the new one straight away (something to do with being hardwired for curiousity and the desire to aquire and accumulate things, and the urge for new experiences- as a survival instinct to aid in our development and evolution… or some crap like that)…and it went pretty much downhill from there, but at least no cats barfed or pooped on me (yay!), and i did get a free virgin frozen strawberry daiquari later on, so friday wasn’t a dead loss.

i took my first generic concerta yesterday morning…. and yawned my head off all day, and was way hungrier than i prefer. stupid ADHD brain. buuuuut….. i did get rather a lot of stuff done, feel like everything was way less urgent, and i was much less of a pissy madam, apparently (the bf didn’t use those exact words, bless him, but thats what he was getting at- you could tell by the frightened look in his eyes as he searched for diplomatic words and a tactful way to say that i seemed much more civilised and pleasant, and that he was quite appreciating how my usual nagging and demanding impulse control failure had been replaced with an odd level of affection, explicit declarations of complete trust in his decision making skills, and compliments all around). hahaha poor boyfriend.

i did get squirmy and rambly and a bit demanding, and keep wanting to stand up and fiddle with stuff about 8 hours or so after taking the pills (mind you, sitting in a restaurant booth is boring, and i did have a bunch of sugar in me!), but other than that, and the yawning, yesterday was suprisingly pleasant. i even managed to not wave my arms about excessively, and to speak at a slow enough pace so that many other humans could understand me, and seemed to enjoy our interactions! yay! *does happy dance*

i’m not sure if it being a generic makes a big difference or not- i’ve read conflicting veiwpoints- but i’ll see if i can get a different brand when it’s refilled in 2 weeks, anyway (i’m curious to see if things’d be different on a different generic, or on actual concerta).

and we’ll see how today goes, i spose!

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[Anonymous]

Jen, you jokingly mentioned in an earlier post that you needed someone to kinda take care of you and follow you around to keep you on track. I’m kidding when I say this (sorta), but if you found someone with the same problem, you could alternate days keeping the other on track. You’d be a fully functioning half-person. And so would they. If you’re anything like me, that would be an improvement.

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[Anonymous]

hahahaha thats quite a good idea.

i’m really good at keeping other flakes on track- so much that i did it for a job for a while (youth and community work with teens and volunteers) …. i’m lousy at being on the receiving end though, and i tend to lose myself in the process. maybe it’s a self esteem and self worth thing as much as anything else.

i definately need to work on it though. everyone keeps telling me to apply for disability, but i feel like that’d be the easy way out- iof they’d even give it to me. i just… i wanna be able to feel like i’ve acheived something, that i do something of value (sitting on the couch doesn’t exactly fit that brief- even if the bf says i do an awesome job of ‘looking cute and making him feel happy’ even when i get nothing else done). i’ve been looking at degree programs- creative writing courses, etc- and the contradictions in my head drive me crazy- i’m frightened to try, and inevitably struggle and likely fail, but i’m just as frightened to give up, get comfortable, and end up wishing that i’d tried and succeeded, further down the line. it makes me dizzy. maybe i need to go back to the psychologist about my marbles.

i’m trying to get into the habit of doing a list for the day with the bf before he leaves for work- if i get started doing things on it before he leaves, i tend to keep my steam going instead of telling myself ‘i’ll do that later’, repeatedly, until i realise that its 1am, the bf gets home from work, and i didn’t wash my face and eat breakfast yet, let alone get the chores going.

it’s tricky though, cos he doesn’t understand why i can’t get started on something when i’m on my own, and how accountability, feedback and reward need to factor in for me (he’s not a deep thinker, he just gets on with it). i know they’re not fun, but chores are important, and i feel like my crappy impulse control isn’t an excuse to avoid responsibility- and hate that i do it and get enabled so incredibly well.

for example, yesterday i snoozed on the couch until he left for work, then ‘just went to check emails really quickly’ and was still at the computer 10 hours later- sewing, surfing the net, watching back to back episodes of a tv series, etc- having eaten mississipi mud pie icecream for lunch, had a shower at 7pm, and thats about it in terms of acheivement.

however, this morning we talked about what needed doing today, and i got the laundry ready to start as he got ready to leave- then when he went, i did laundry, washed dishes while laundry washed, cooked a bunch of food while trapped in the kitchen with dishes, swept the floor cos i was there anyway and it’d only take 5 minutes, put nice food away in the fridge, ate a slightly more decent lunch than yesterday (spicy garlic and ginger roasted potatoes and cauliflower, french green beans with chickpeas and tomatoes in a lemon cumin dressing, baked marinaded tofu, flatbread wrap) and in a minute i’m gonna vaccuum upstairs, and have a go at some paperwork. then maybe i’ll sew a bit. maybe. resisting the urge to get lost in it now is incredibly hard…..

no disrespect, becuase i totally appreciate everyones insight and advice, but i receive a lot of (wonderful) ‘maybe you could… you should… have you tried…’s…. what it comes down to really though, is actually DOING it. or the lack thereof. and then comes the urge to bang my head against the wall. cos i’ve got millions of opportunities around me every day, a huge amount of potential…. and i’m still going absolutely nowhere.

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[Anonymous]

I also have ADHD Jen. I feel like maybe under different circumstances/conditions I could soar. But, let’s say I was even less productive than you in life, would you consider me a loser? Or think badly of me?

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[Anonymous]

nope. i’d probably still feel bad for you though, for what you’re missing out on.

i think the methylphenidate is giving me wicked headaches- i’ve had one every day i’ve taken it, except the first day….and not on the day i skipped it. i hope it goes away.

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[Anonymous]

That’s good to hear. I don’t think bad of you or think of you as a disappointment either. I just see someone struggling to cope in a society that is maybe better suited for a different brain type than yours (or mine). We have nothing to feel bad about because of this, as well as our good intent, IMO. I’m preaching here as much, or more, to myself as I am to you. I have to keep telling myself this for the sake of my fragile self-esteem – and also because I believe it to be true.

Maybe one difference between some of those with ADHD that are floundering and some of those that are happy is that the happy ones have found something they’re passionate about to put their efforts toward.

I hope I’m not rubbing you, or anyone else, the wrong way with my ramblings. I’m just throwing some thoughts out there in an attempt to figure some stuff out.

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[Anonymous]

no, you’re really not rubbing anything- i think out loud (or on screen) the same way.

i’m really happy with my cat volunteering, and i love writing, and used to love working with kids… i just need to motivate myself into doing something constructive, and keep that structure going. getting the structure and maintaining continuity are the keys.

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[Anonymous]

Are these ‘something constructive’ things, things like house cleaning, preparing healthy food and stuff like that? Or are you talking about cat volunteering and such?

Random thought here. If I could ever set up “A place for everything …” and then follow through with “… and everything in its place.”, my productivity would increase greatly…… and I’m guessing my mind would feel a little less cluttered as well.

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[Anonymous]

anything constructive is constructive… messing about on the internet all day, eating chocolate fudge brownies for breakfast at 4pm, and procrastinating for 6 years over employment and education options- that sort of thing (aka: my lifestyle generally) is rather unconstructive.

i have a place for everything, and everything is always in its place. the places tend to be clumps and stacks, and the everythings are paperwork and sewing materials on the bed, dirty laundry on the floor, clean laundry slowly festering in the machine or on the floor next to it, or piled inside the closet that i can’t frigging see inside of cos it’s dark, dirty dishes live all over the kitchen topsurface and stacked in the office, flyers and mail and newspapers live on the coffeetable, floor, and stairs, catfur tumbleweeds are generally spilling gracefully down the stairs and forming new colonies as the air and foot-traffic rolls them around gently, etc….

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[Anonymous]

@ forgeterer: I’m a little late to comment on it, but I haven’t been around for a while so I just read it…Like your phrase “fully functioning half person”–makes perfect sense!!!

“Maybe one difference between some of those with ADHD that are floundering and some of those that are happy is that the happy ones have found something they’re passionate about to put their efforts toward.” I hear you there, too!! Doing something for others is about the only thing that focuses me. I just finished such a (months-long) project and didn’t realize what a good therapy it was until I finished, things have gone downhill from there because I am all over the place again. Nothing to focus me and I get depressed, which makes it even harder to focus!

Sorry for dragging things down, jenetically modified, please continue your entertaining rants, at least they make me chuckle!

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[Anonymous]

haha! You know what would really help you? Winning the lottery. And if it didn’t help, at least you’d probably be living in a bigger place, with more cats and even bigger tumbleweeds.

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[Anonymous]

@ julianna: It’s funny you should say that about ‘doing something for others is about the only thing that focuses you’.

Because I can’t think of anything more important right now than the health of the planet and that of ‘all’ its occupants. Now That, I think I could get motivated for and put lots of energy toward. No snooze button for that …….. I hope. I actually think I could discipline myself for this …… and it might not even be that difficult to do because of the passion factor.

I think of ADD’ers as an untapped resource. Many of which are fairly bright, have an ability to hyper-focus and expend lots of energy when motivated, and have compassion for others. Taking advantage of a resource like this is a problem that probably has multiple solutions. And this planet can use any help it can get.

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[Lindstr7]

Jen- I just read these threads and your posts do make me chuckle. Your energy is infectious and fun. I’m a little lost though as to where you are on your meds now. Have the headaches subsided with the Methyl?(I’m gonna call it ritalin since its easier to type.)

I’ve always been a little like you re: messy house, spinning wheels, never making progress. I know for me, being home alone all day left to “my own devices,” I would sit around, surf the net, watch tv, (smoke pot argh, just ONE more glass of wine with dinner, heh), make grand plans that fizzeled out as a new one popped into my head. My ex never thought I contributed, which I thought was nonsense, thinking my being the moral compass of the family and getting my kid off to school was enough! But, its hard to appreciate those things when you cant even find a clean shirt, etc. so I guess in the end, he had a point. I see that now.

I noticed in your more recent post that you seemed to get a lot done in one day (was this while on ritalin?). Thats progress right! Of course, everyone is different, but since taking ritalin I take advantage of that initial charge of energy in the am and get stuff done that normally would have been shuffled around, stepped over, excused as not that important, etc, The mount Vesuvius of laundry downstairs is slowly dwindling away and the clean clothes actually make it into drawers! (so THATs what those dressers are for, doh).

Maybe raising a kid on my own who is depending on me was the biggest impetus for change, and I am 50 this year so, time is a’tickin and my kid needs me after 16 years of having a flake for a mom. You have such great character that shines through that I’d hate to see you end up like me at 50, wondering where the hell my life went. Wish I had this knowledge at your age. I’m still and probably always be not the neatest person in the world and who gives a flying fig, as long as I maintain enough order for me to function. Love to hear an update on your meds situation and how you’re coping.

Anyway, curious about where you are now.

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[Anonymous]

no probs julianna you’re right- it is about others. how weird…..

forgeterer… i totally agree about the untapped resource- i just need directing. if someone called me every morning at 8am, presented me with a tempting mission and enthused me into action, i’d be flying and it’d be disturbing how much’d get done.

they love me at my volunteering location- whenever i’m around there is much constructive chatting and educating and problemsolving happening with the public, staff laughing and singing in the prep-room, happy kitties purring and being brushed and being chatted with all over the place, and a stack of stuff from cleaning to paperwork sorting to adopting and training miraculously gets done- it’s a little chaotic and messy sometimes, and i do a fair few circles and lose my train of thought rather often in the process, but people actively seek me out and say “this is the woman you wanna talk to/i was telling you about!” and i hear them talking about me just within earshot “she’s so funny!- remember when she called whiskas catfood kitty crack/cat mcdonalds/came straight into the store, and dived under the shelving unit to rescue that kitten who nobody could capture, nonchalantly flashing her thong to all and sundry in the process, and retrieved him in seconds- jumping up triumphantly covered in catlitter and fur tumbleweeds with a huge grin on her face, and getting him back into his cage safe and sound before he knew what’d happened?” -and they’re always throwing compliments at me.

yesterday i discovered online how to make a cat-tree out of pvc soil pipes (cos those suckers are insanely expensive to buy, and lousy both quality and options wise!), found some cash, and sang enthusiastically at full pelt along to the radio while car-seat moshing all the way to lowes and back, filled with enthusiasm and grand elaborate ideas to build it…. when i get started, everybody needs to clear the way or hang on for dear life! … it’s just about getting started, and keeping going. the bf is at work today, and so i’ve um…. talked on the phone at my mum (i said ‘at’ on purpose – thats how we communicate- whoever talks loudest wins) for 90 minutes, eaten broccolli, and had a shower (its now 7:50pm) so far. no cat tree is yet forthcoming. or much else.

i need a management team, perhaps. or a minder. definately not the lottery- it’d be abject chaos if i had that much money. lovely lovely chaos with near constant massages from jensen ackles enjoyed on my private jet full of kitties as i faffed around internationally wasting fossil fuels and confusing the snot out of people on a grand scale….

lindstr7: i’m just on 225 of effexor and 60 of strattera at the moment, i’ve given up on the slow release generic methyl for a bit after just a week- cos the headaches were pretty flipping crippling and i didn’t love lying on the couch wincing and wailing all evening. i’m only allowed one script every 2 weeks, so i’m gonna call the pharmacist and see if they have or can get hold of a different generic, or a name brand version, and if i can have a try at that as soon as i’m able- i know generics are meant to be the same as whatever they’re copies of, but drugs and bodies are funny things (mine especially! ) – so i reckon it wouldn’t hurt to see how i do on another brand (well, it quite possibly will hurt actually, now that i think of it, but i have loadsa painkillers knocking about- and a bit of a masochistic streak apparently- so i’m prepared to give it a go!).

yep, that loada stuff was a ritaliny day- i can do that without it though, i just need the right initial shove, someone to hold me accountable (guilt vs praise is my best motivator) and to not dare think about stopping. the only problem is that sooner or later i fall in a crumpled heap if i do that, so i also need someone to help me wind down and stop me by bedtime, or it invariably ends in tears.

luckily for me i don’t watch much tv, cos i’m too impatient with the commercials and the quality of tv round these parts is really dire compared to english telly (tv online is another thing entirely- i can watch whole seasons back to back if i remember about doing that when i’m infront of the computer- luckily i usually don’t have the idea in my head long enough to get drawn in ) and long time ago i decided that i am really not cut out for drink and weed, much as i love them, and i don’t let myself even consider them any more, lest it all turn rather rapidly and messily to crap (as it definately will, if i was to partake).

i really am worried about wondering where the hell it went- even at 31 i can see the clock whizzing by since i left college at 18 (how long ago was that?! no way was that 13 years! what have i done exactly since then? erm…..)…..

i’m still pretty much where i was last monday, and the monday before…. still having not filled in forms to try and claim help with employment and that sorta stuff- which i could have taken to the ministry of whateveritis on the 18th of march -had i done that, and sent them to my shrink to cosign, and gone to get them back again from him. and i have no real excuse beyond procrastination, cos i’m super-good at forms. argh!

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[Anonymous]

Sometimes when my wife is trying to get me to do something I really don’t want to do, I tell her I can’t because my ADHD is acting up.

Sadly, it never works.

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[Author]

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