Reply To: I'm new here.. dealing with new normal.

[halobender]

@andreaaaaaah

First of all, thank you for your service.

Now, informalties. Hello and welcome to the club. The online consortium of the loons and scholars alike. I can assure you that you are among friends as well as people who can directly relate to your statements or even lack of.

I’m hoping to keep this short and sweet so bare with me if a few paragraphs goes full-on novel and you find yourself swept away into a nightmarish good time that is my life. I suppose it’s an adddddddd thing. All the kool kids do et!

You sound like a super awesome chick! Even with all of the talk concerning CrAZy! Having been on so many different pyschotropic drugs and coming out of it and living what most consider to be a normal life is one thing. You on the other hand came out of it and pushed yourself to do something off cuff. That’s doing something and doing it right. I applaud you for your hard work and dedication.

I sit here reflecting on your keyed strokes as if you were sitting here with me shooting the breeze. The description you relayed concerning yourself depicts a wild yet insanely fun alluring personality. I envision you always smiling and having a vibrant glow about you as well as an intoxicating laugh. Those things only go to show that the unbeknownst uncoming nightmare of ADHD can even be found in prettt girls. Those things also go to show for what you stand to lose if you find your way back to our little capsuled friend.

You spoke of God and I for one can appreciate your faith, so I will add to that. Self medicating or going through a doctor for legalities will not help you. Unless the help you are seeking is losing your soul, your life force. I say so personally on many levels.

Back… way way way back… before I knew about the curse, life could and would often times get tough. Many days the same as you I struggled. Focus, initiative, drive, passion. All traits I possessed. Sadly traits that were always invested in the most in opportune ways. Growing up I believed it was all run-of-the-mill normal. That’s if anyone of us are “normal”. Personally I don’t believe any of us are normal, nor are we intended to be. We are all different in every way imaginable. It’s society that pushes us into boxes and defines what is or should be the norm. Then on the other hand society wants the world to shift into believing random one-offs should be normal.

Today I’m of the belief that most people out there deal with the same things we do. Their brains and chemical make-up are just wired in a different way that makes dealing with such things easier for them.

Anyhow my story. Continued. School. Man oh man school. I hated it. It hated me even more so. I did nothing in school. I took the most advanced classes that were offered. Although I didn’t pay attention in class and sure as hell didn’t bother with homework. I had a plan and having to endure being there and running at the speed of everyone else. Not to say that I’m more advanced because only an idiot would claim to be something they are not. I will say this though. My thought was just give me the information and let me take a test. Hell I wouldn’t have even have minded homework had it not entailed repetitious question and answer garbage. I was different. I knew it. I didn’t belong. Unlike you however I wasn’t a hot chick so I made the most of what I had and become a stoner. Oh yeah. I slowed myself down. Still didn’t bother with homework. Still scored highest on tests, and still maintained a good gpa. Oh those were the good days. Yeah right. Said no cursed person ever.

As time grew on. Many a bong hit later. I was so damn chill that even my OCD had somewhat tamed. It however, as most things in life are, was merely temporary.

The real world. I had plans. BIG effin plans. I was ready to tackle the world. Or at least at one point I was. Not now though. I had managed to tame myself so much in my quest of normalcy, and no it wasn’t all weed that brought me to that point, but still it did contribute. I lost all of those traits that set me apart from the herds of sheep. I even somewhat fit in, with the lowly portion of public that is.

The two ton bus. You know those days where you feel terrible? The ones where even the thought of movement is intolerable? Perhaps not, perhaps you don’t have those, but you’ve surely been ill and felt as such. I don’t recall much of that day but there it sits in the back of my mangled mind, behind all of the randomness, that randomness that is mine. There I was or perhaps there I wasn’t. I’m not sure anymore. There were no emergency service personnel in sight, no damage to be seen, not even a single tire imprint. Yet… there I lay. A literal wtf before such a thing were the thing. Where was I. Not merely in a physical sense but also where had my life gone?

The dream of reality. Through the fog of time itself, I invisioned the simpler times. Times when being me seemed impossible. Yet even today what I would give to be back there. Or wouldn’t I? For now was then and a new plan was fashioned much as the first. I could see it, the BIG red ribbon stretched out across my path, as if the race stood a chance to be won. If only I had an Uber to take me there. Alas this race was my own and getting there had to be my own doing, and not shouldered as the burden of unknown.

My friend Doc Brown. Yep. That is in fact a reference to the greatest time traveler, that time will never know. Nor did I actually know him, or the flux capacitor, or ever experience 1.21 gigawatts. For Pete’s sake, I wasn’t on that many drugs. Still, I had to get back to the past in order to make it to my future. That was the plan anyhow.

Piggybank-a-cade : penny for good luck. It actually was pretty easy back when. Turning things around went much better and was far easier than I had imagined. Pennies were everywhere and filled the piggy bank quickly. Luck as well seemed to be on my side. I was clean. I felt good. I lived real life. Change was had. It was not long after that my dream of normal reality started to take shape. A blossoming career. A beautiful woman by my side. Settling down. A normal family sort of thing. Even a baby on the way. All the way up until the time that ceased to be such. Life was too fast, too demanding. My ability to multitask had returned some time before. Along with it came the other stuff. I could no longer juggle staying steps ahead by envisioning every possible outcome prior to. I too looked for help. This time I found it in a bottle. Opiates. Where had these things been?! I could again do anything. Then what began as a simple quick fix became something far more demonic. I didn’t feel. Not a single damn thing. For my soul was gone. The two ton bus was back, at the wheel, the shadow of my formal self. After the coma I woke to see it there upon the table. Dear John….

That’s what she said. I kid you not. That is in fact what she said, moreover, that’s what she wrote. I suppose it wouldn’t have hurt as bad had my name been Ralph or Anthony. Anyhow don’t get the wrong picture. I wasn’t some strung out junky drug addict. I was a highly respected professional in my field. I was not even an addict. I just used those pills to help me feel normal. To guide my focus among other things. Really. No one even knew. What was her problem anyhow? I was personable. So out of my normal box. People liked me.

Lassie where are you? It didn’t taken long after that to see things as they were and not as I had saw them. As such again I called for a Mulligin. But this time I found myself trapped in the bottom of a well. I was shut down and even shut up. I had no clue who I was or where to find me. Truly soulless. Without feeling. Lassie happened along in the birth of my little girl. Again hard work and determination brought me out of the darkness. Slowly I reappeared. Senses as well as sense returned. Joy and laughter again filled my spirit. You know what they say though? The past always repeats itself.

The second hand waits for no one. Time swept by. Then again the, for better lack of a word, the quirks of add resumed. This time I was better prepared. My coping and ability to overcome was barnone. Life was always at times frustrating and difficult. The curse is not actually normal and most fail to understand and see the difficulties and even beauty of adhd. Note that to this point in life I still knew basically zero about the curse. Nor had I had a diagnosis.

Doomsday. The devastation that is believed to accompany WWIII is much the same as I felt the day when I received the curse diagnosis in my adult life. At the same time a certain peace came about me. Looking back it all made sense. So now how do I fix it? I mean it’s fixable right?

Dr doom’s orders : the red pill, or blue pill. So there I sat in doctor dooms lair, astonished at the news of the curse. His answer to fixing “it” was the red pill or blue pill. Not knowing any better I chose red. Actually orange. After my previous bouts I had grown a stance against pharmaceutical treatments for most things. But…. life was again so taxing and I found myself worrying of becoming what once was. This was after all perscribed by the doctor after all. What’s the worse that can happen?

Now let me tell you. Given the nature of the curse and our eagerness to rapidly lose direction I personally believe having the curse inclines us to have a more addictive personality.

With that said. My worries were out the window the first day on the treatment. My mind clicked better than ever had it before. I thought, I did, it was magic. I’m not kidding. I may as well have had a wand and walked around with a scar on my forehead. This continued but only for a while. The euphoric feeling of being alive faded. Focus drifted worse than ever to things that require or warrant not.

Tonight I pen this book. My soul again faded. Lacking feeling of any kind. I’m here to tell you that I’ve been to the future that awaits several times. The answer is most assuredly not in manmade chemicals. Although a definite checmical imbalance seems to be the cause. Continue on in your struggle. Drugs are easy and quick. The price however is not worth while. My struggle to find myself again the hardest yet.

Be beautiful and magical. The smiling face full of joy that I envision. Get some sun. Practice good habits of schedules. Eat healthy balanced meals. See a therapist or even chat with those here that get it. Many here can offer sound advice on alternative treatments/lifestyles.

The worst of you today is better than the best of a medicated you in the future. But you seem to know that already.

Hope my story helps

– halo “I may be cheap, but I’m easy”

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