Re: ADD and marriage

[Anonymous]

Hi KJ….I posted a response previously under Spouse Family…..My husband has ADD. That thread also deals with relationship issues, marriage and counseling, so rather than repost…here is another twist of my experience I have been married to the same linear processing person for over 35 years (non-ADD)…..we have raised two kids, both ADD with very different characteristics…..and here I am 60 and we are still together!!! Fact is 60 some years later…….I’m good…I”m still good!!

I am no expert but I can share bits of my life experience maybe they are useful….I don’t know.

First…..the best thing that I ever did was go to counseling as Johane mentioned. It was a long and hard process around three years, intense. It can be expensive too but you know it was the best money I have ever spent., compare that to a life of despair?????

Second…..at first I did not go to couples counseling. I am not telling anybody what to do please….this is MY story only!!! As I mention in my other thread…I went to see a counselor because my relationship after about 10 years was not working “AT ALL”…it was not good, we were in the tank. I had a lot of emotional investment too….house children, mortgage, career….the whole nine yards!!! So off I went to see a counselor..I wanted to see how I could fix this relationship (read ” I went to fix her” )…well…hahahaha I stayed for me!!! That was really hard to accept….really hard!!!

Third… fact was….If I wasn’t happy then maybe….just maybe…that was my issue…. and I needed to understand that. I came to understand I was a conglomeration of other peoples thought and ideals. We all are…..that is how we are made up, we get it from our parents, who got it from their parents….etc etc.etc. Rusty life tools??? Anyway… I needed to sort through all the crap that was my life experience to date and find out…what…. if any, of those things I had collected in my bag were things I really felt deep in my heart, not my head…. things I valued, and how they were intertwined in my personal make-up, and how they drove my present day behavior. Hard to write….. harder to do!!!

Fourth…know, be aware of ….listen and follow my heart….not my head…my heart. When the path is right for me…my heart/soul will are calm, when I’m off the path, I’m anxious, I can feel it. When I fall…as I do from time to time be kind and gentle to myself…. perfection is over rated! God knows I’m not perfect……ask my partner!!! Hahahahahaha……ah shit she’s lucky to have me……right!!!

I could go on and on and on…it is good for me to do so…but…..shit ….well you know I don’t have to tell you. That is what counseling did for me…it was so right….. for me!! Time to stop, or I’ll be here forever………

That was 25 years ago…… we are still married, now retired…. my children a super nice people….they’ve grown up….they’ve move out…wooohooo!! I enjoy life everyday. I am a right brain, random thinking, visionary type, comedic sort….I’m a little high energy..I’m a tapper…musical rhythms, I dance around the house!!! She thinks I’m crazy….I have hard time waiting for the instant teller to give me my cash at the bank…..I dial somebody on the phone 20 times in one hour if they haven’t answered….I tend to overthink things a lot…..I tend to obsess over my hobbies which make me over achieve at them!!! I don’t care that I’m like that….it’s a big sooo what to me. I have more important things to care about……. and sooooooo….. much to ignore…it keeps me busy!!!! Hahahaha.

In the larger scheme of life I’m good…..I could have been many things I suppose, I always tell my partner I could…..but…… I am what I am. I like me…I like what I like and have learned that “screw the rest”…… is very liberating….peaceful”. I’m not a missionary…I can’t …won’t…must not try… fix the world.

toofat

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