ADD and marriage

[Anonymous]

Hello,

Just wanted to reach out and ask if anyone else is having a hard time in their relationships. I’ve been with my husband for 5 years, almost a year ago I found out I have ADHD. I started taking concerta 7-8 months ago and ever since I feel like my marriage is drifting slowly apart. My husband is supportive in regards to medication and we started therapy but every day I’m still drifting slowly away. I wish I could say I hate how things are going but truthfully I don’t seem to feel anything but blah. I feel like I fought to have a good relationship for years and over and over he’s ignored what I was really asking for and brushed my feelings aside. Now I have this man who I can see cares in his eyes and I no longer feel.

I guess the reason why i’m posting is because the only information I’ve found out there is for non add spouses, but in my case no matter how many times I ask, did you do …. , are you ready for ….. don’t forget this appointment. nothing gets done. I’m hardly holding myself together and he pulls things like not telling his work he needed to be back in town for our cross country move. He actually left with little packing down and then didn’t understand why I was so mad (ps he got back from less then 24 hours before the move). Emotionally, he’s pretty clueless and I find myself not setting myself up for let downs anymore… so I drift further and further away from a man I know loves me but just can’t figure out the difference between the important things and the ones that could wait.

does anyone else feel like that or am I just to high maintenance?

Thx.

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[Anonymous]

I hesitated to post on this thread – but that may mean I need to! I’m a guy, with ADD/HD recently diagnosed (after watching TADD & Loving it). I’m not loving it. I just started on meds today and a few hours later felt great, expected. I believe that my ADD has a big part in my relationship degrading over the last few years. We have some issues that sounds just like what you are talking about, except I am the ADD spouse and my wife is the non-add. Today after feeling great and hopeful about starting meds, a real trust issue popped up like a freakin rattlesnake you just didn’t see.. .WHAM – bitten.So that’s my day.

>>> I know you stated you are ADD/HD, but from the comment you made in the 2nd paragraph above, is it possible that your spouse also has ADD. Problems with remembering things, commintting to doing them and then doing them, etc??? I don’t know your situation but sounded pretty straight forward to me.

>>> So – botht for you on the female side, and myself on the male side – I have to believe and have faith that what I can change in this (our) situation is my (our) behavior as ADD forum members. You can only change yourself, and no matter how much I want something to work it may already be a lost cause for someone else. Being very ADD — I have a bad time starting processes, but when I do I want to know that the work and effort will result in a positive result. I just am not sure the positive result in my case will be positive for me.

Rambling on – sorry. I hope my occaisional words that were on topic for this thread helped, I really do.

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[Anonymous]

Thank you for the reply.

We are trying to figure something out. My only reason for seeking input, is because I have started to questions all of my emotions. Half the time i’m trying to process weather I’m being impulsive upset or if I’m being reasonably upset. I want to find the right help for us and I guess I’ve been a little afraid to rush to conclusions. I have approached him as asked if he would mind looking into ADHD as well, to which he was not happy (I got the impression he feels that I’m being unreasonable by asking) so I went back to questioning myself (hence the post). I don’t mean to make his sound bad, he is an amazing person I am so lucky to have him, we may be facing a bit of unique circumstance and I want to support him. I’m just getting overwhelmed and confused about what is reasonable for me to ask and what is me needing to learn to have more perspective.

Either way, You said you have just started your medication. I know that what i’ve said above might make this seem strange but my life is starting to make some real improvements because of it. 7 months ago, I didn’t sleep (well), really quick to react to thing, didn’t understand why I wasn’t getting the things done. Now I’m doing better out side of the home and at home we have gone from chaos to a more structured version of chaos, life isn’t peachy (yet) but even though I question myself and am feeling this way. I know that the decisions I’m making and the actions I’m taking are the ones I really want to. Not just the ones I do.

huh… I think just typing that out helped a little.. Thx

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[Anonymous]

hey, all you sponge’s looking to soak up some info,,,, i think i have add, i like it, I’M WORRIED I MIGHT LOOSE SOME RELATIONSHIPS IF THE ADD GOES AWAY. (hence taking medication)

i really just want to slow down a little, not zombieville

I GET THINGS DONE, ALL 20 AT ONCE!!!!! OK, so i don’t like paperwork, yada yada, nada, look squirrel!

ok, i’m dipping my toes in this diagnosed pond of hyper active people, go easy on me, or i’ll just go do 5 other things i can’t remember

30 yrs old, male, might have addhd

yet in my head it’s hdtv, it’s really clear and perfect in hear,,, the voices tell me so!

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[dspicelady]

Reading your post hit a nerve with me. I am the ADD one in our marriage and now being treated. I’ve spent alot of time second guessing my reactions/feelings regarding most things in our marriage. Am I being unreasonable? Is this the ADD rearing it’s ugliness or is my hubby being a (fill in the blank)?

Well after getting comfortable with medication and pyschotherapy, and becoming waaay more calm and “reasonable”, I watched ADD and Loving It?! again. Guess who I saw very clearly? My hubby! He shows alot of different symptoms than I do, but this is part of what is frustrating. Where exactly is the ADD and where is just two people who have a difference of opinion? These were things I really needed to get straight in my own head. With the help of my therapist, I can see where my ADD is and where my learned responses are. And now I can see that my hubby most likely is struggling with some of the same issues I am. I can’t fault him for that.

We had a very frank convo today about that very fact. That it wouldn’t be ridiculous to think that two Adders would be attracted to each other because of their energy, etc. Then the pressures of life, mortgage, work, kids, etc. happen, and things could quite easily fall apart. I never expected him to acknowledge the possibility of him also having it, (then again it’s rampant in his family as well), but he did! He started telling me about all kinds of symptoms, most of which he likes, for example his extreme hyperness(translation-workaholic-we own our own business). We’ve decided that we can either allow our marriage to implode or try to celebrate our gifts, almost like we did when we first met and started dating.

Wow, that all sounds easier said than done, but I guess you gotta start with a plan!

I’m really glad to hear that you are doing better. Because when you are doing better, you will be able to help him, whether or not he has ADD.

Maybe you need someone outside of your marriage (coucillor/psychiatrist,etc) to help you have confidence in your feelings.

Hopefully, somewhere in this post, something was helpful.

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[Anonymous]

K — pretty much everything you said did make sense — I can relate. Does it make sense that I think you need to focus more on what you need to do – and the rest will follow. Mostly. If you tell your spouse that you are only asking this of him/her because it (these ADD protocols) has helped you and you love them! It’s sometimes easier to let someone help you when you know they are doing it out of love and not for thier (our) selfish reasons. I hope you take that in the good way it is meant. I say it because I find myself doing mainly things that will benefit me. If I do such things, and they benefit someone close to me that’s ok too. But I digress, becuase I started this thought meaning that once we know what to do for ourselves to help ourselves and make us more healthy, those who love us will benefit. (this was one thought — I think there I ADD).

Spice – ADD has this internal process that makes us both strive for (unattainable) perfection, and sometimes doubt our every thought and move. I have a cinematic ability in my head to spin complex endings to the most innocent events. Mostly I spin them downwards into a worst possible outcome. Don’t do that. I beg of you — 99.9% of the time I am wrong and I expend a huge amount of emotional energy in that direction. I don’t know if the comment was for me, or the thread – but you said “someone outside of your marriage”. We start marriage conseling on Jan 3rd. This week hasn’t been good and just yesterday (same day I started meds), a huge trust issue came up and I am very despondent. Sorry to end on a sour note – but it’s what it is. Keep replying you guys!

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[dspicelady]

MT9er-yes the comment was for the thread. you are absolutely right. I too, spin those endings. I’m constantly told that I “over-analyze” everything. Yet when I don’t do that, I’m told that I am thoughtless and/or clueless regarding an issue (most likely due to the lack of umpulse control-think it, say it). A happy medium would be great! That is what I’m working towards. Think about it, but don’t say it unless I really should! I am hoping that one day my hubby and I can also go to marriage councelling. He is very resistant, but he also refused to believe he might have ADD. He always thought that if he had it, someone might shove pills down his throat and then he’d be a zombie. Hopefully, when he sees that now that I’m getting treatment (including meds and pyschotherapy), I am not becoming a zombie, but rather a more relaxed and productive human being who is more pleasant to be around (this is what my kids are telling me anyways), maybe he won’t have this fear any longer.

So….sorry for the tangent…..maybe one day we’ll be in a place to go for councelling together. One day at a time. Just want to get myself to that good place first.

I’m sorry to hear of your “huge issue of trust”. My hope is that you and your wife will hold on longer to at least give the councelling a try. The one thing that keeps my hubby and I going are the 22 years invested. It’s alot to walk away from.

In any case, my thoughts are with you.

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[Anonymous]

— Dspcldy thank you! I look for that happy medium also. The urge to interject, presume, add-to, finish someones sentances is the HD part and I realize that I have that, also. The problem is I ‘feel’ that if I don’t do that the other party is thinking I’m not involved. The other reason I think I (as an ADD’r) do it is, if I don’t — my mind wanders off on purple doohickies and I end up really, not being involved because “you said what” happens to me.

— My wife and I are litterally on the edge of the cliff and the chasm is bottemless from my perspective. I found that the ‘huge issue of trust’ was more of a minor issue because of my spin and jumps to conclusions. Sucks for me. But – that one was out of the way and more probs came up, so good news is we start counsel on tuesday. It’s very scary… it is. I still feel that this is all my fault, disgusted with me, right now it must be the darkest before the dawn point. sigh. I hear you with your 22 y…. guess what — I met my wife in 1980, married in 1983, and until recently it’s been a fantastic trip. My dis-order and other self image issues has almost destroyed everything. I hope we can move on.

As for my meds and cbt (cognitive behav therapy), it is going well as can be. My real shocker is that taking meds has helped me be more “here” for my wife, even if we are puking out some nasty stuff. I find I can say read your entire post without wandering off onto a daydream (wow — I actually did read your entire post at once…. NEAT). I’ll talk to my doctor about the meds since I do feel they are interfereing with sleep and making me feel a little high. I may need less, than more.

— Thanks for you thoughts and all — I hope you enjoyed ‘my’ tangents

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[Johane]

Hi Kimberly,

My best advice is get councelling. ADD is not something that will every go away, so whenever issues come up, not only will you and your spouse have to deal with the issue, you’ll have to deal with it with ADD in mind. Even if it’s under management. Especially during any time of important change – such as new treatment, move, new family situation (new baby, parents moving in next door, new pet…)

With new treatment, you can be looking at life completely differently than you were a year ago, much more so than 5 years ago when you got married. All of a sudden, you’re not nuts. All of a sudden, the world is open before you. All of a sudden the roads and doors that were blocked off to you before are open. For the ADDer, diagnosis and treatment can be like being given the keys to a candy shop for a child… I’m sure that you are not different than before. I’m sure he’s not different than before. The only thing is that you’ve now gotten a diagnosis and are receiving treatment.

With councelling, you’ll get better perspective. Councelling doesn’t mean you’re marriage is going to pot. It means that you’ve encountered a situation for which you may not have the tools to deal with. Going to get councelling is going to look for the tools that you need.

My husband and I are looking at this same thing, not only do I need to go for councelling for myself, but we need to go for councelling to deal with ADD in our relationship.

PS: when reading this to my husband, he thought that your husband might be ADHD too… Councelling would sort that out too.

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[Anonymous]

I think your just coming to normality. When my husband first starting taking medication he would say he felt like a zombie, but I just assured him he’s calming down, looking at things more closley, talking quieter and making more thoughtful desicions.

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[Anonymous]

Hi KJ….I posted a response previously under Spouse Family…..My husband has ADD. That thread also deals with relationship issues, marriage and counseling, so rather than repost…here is another twist of my experience I have been married to the same linear processing person for over 35 years (non-ADD)…..we have raised two kids, both ADD with very different characteristics…..and here I am 60 and we are still together!!! Fact is 60 some years later…….I’m good…I”m still good!!

I am no expert but I can share bits of my life experience maybe they are useful….I don’t know.

First…..the best thing that I ever did was go to counseling as Johane mentioned. It was a long and hard process around three years, intense. It can be expensive too but you know it was the best money I have ever spent., compare that to a life of despair?????

Second…..at first I did not go to couples counseling. I am not telling anybody what to do please….this is MY story only!!! As I mention in my other thread…I went to see a counselor because my relationship after about 10 years was not working “AT ALL”…it was not good, we were in the tank. I had a lot of emotional investment too….house children, mortgage, career….the whole nine yards!!! So off I went to see a counselor..I wanted to see how I could fix this relationship (read ” I went to fix her” )…well…hahahaha I stayed for me!!! That was really hard to accept….really hard!!!

Third… fact was….If I wasn’t happy then maybe….just maybe…that was my issue…. and I needed to understand that. I came to understand I was a conglomeration of other peoples thought and ideals. We all are…..that is how we are made up, we get it from our parents, who got it from their parents….etc etc.etc. Rusty life tools??? Anyway… I needed to sort through all the crap that was my life experience to date and find out…what…. if any, of those things I had collected in my bag were things I really felt deep in my heart, not my head…. things I valued, and how they were intertwined in my personal make-up, and how they drove my present day behavior. Hard to write….. harder to do!!!

Fourth…know, be aware of ….listen and follow my heart….not my head…my heart. When the path is right for me…my heart/soul will are calm, when I’m off the path, I’m anxious, I can feel it. When I fall…as I do from time to time be kind and gentle to myself…. perfection is over rated! God knows I’m not perfect……ask my partner!!! Hahahahahaha……ah shit she’s lucky to have me……right!!!

I could go on and on and on…it is good for me to do so…but…..shit ….well you know I don’t have to tell you. That is what counseling did for me…it was so right….. for me!! Time to stop, or I’ll be here forever………

That was 25 years ago…… we are still married, now retired…. my children a super nice people….they’ve grown up….they’ve move out…wooohooo!! I enjoy life everyday. I am a right brain, random thinking, visionary type, comedic sort….I’m a little high energy..I’m a tapper…musical rhythms, I dance around the house!!! She thinks I’m crazy….I have hard time waiting for the instant teller to give me my cash at the bank…..I dial somebody on the phone 20 times in one hour if they haven’t answered….I tend to overthink things a lot…..I tend to obsess over my hobbies which make me over achieve at them!!! I don’t care that I’m like that….it’s a big sooo what to me. I have more important things to care about……. and sooooooo….. much to ignore…it keeps me busy!!!! Hahahaha.

In the larger scheme of life I’m good…..I could have been many things I suppose, I always tell my partner I could…..but…… I am what I am. I like me…I like what I like and have learned that “screw the rest”…… is very liberating….peaceful”. I’m not a missionary…I can’t …won’t…must not try… fix the world.

toofat

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[dspicelady]

toofat, you are an exceptionally wise human being. I love your posts!

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[Anonymous]

I need to post what I am doing and how I am dong it with my mairrage. I want to wallow in lonliness or just be alone sometimes. I have to be away from my wife. She graciously allows me a pass to do what I want be it fly away for a bit or go to the casino (this must sound familiar). I am not medicated yet but excited about it and healing. It is easy to lose that upbeat feeling if something skews my plans. To stay on the upbeat side I know that I am the problem first and foremost. The relationship is still intact right before my last ADD juiced thought. I am having feelings that are flowing in about everything, multi streams into my head. I must assemble in my head a movie of the good things in the relationship really quick, and make it funny to keep my attention. While I am doing that I have to concentrate on what I like and what makes me happy, maybe a visual cue such as a picture or a pic of an event that was good. Get a stream of your favorite cues going. Putting together those thoughts and organizing them also take precedence in your mind and the stream of good starts to flow for us ADD’ers. I think that keeping the good thought stream flowing is the hardest thing to do but if you do it once, then twice, then you can do it again. I got so excited typing this that I have to settle down and relax, have we all heard that before!?! I have found that telling my story and responding to others has been therapy in itself. A very Zen moment! A good stream of thought moment. Sure beats pills, drugs, alcohol, valium, all of the things that I thought i needed to stay level headed and relaxed. Self medication is what it is called now. It was just partying back when I was doing it. It made me feel normal at the time. By the way, if you don’t do it my way you won’t have success, Just Kidding!!!! USE ANY PART OF THIS AS WE ARE ALL DIFFERENT WITH DIFFERENT LEVELS OF THIS. USE WHAT WORKS OUT OF MY INFO. DON’T DWELL OR GO OFF IN ONE SOLO DIRECTION AS YOU MAY FEEL THE STRONG NEED TO DO. TRY TO OPEN YOUR TRAIN OF THINKING JUST A BIT AND LET IT FLOW! I HOPE THIS HELPS AT LEAST ONE PERSON, I DON’T KNOW WHY BUT IT SEEMS RIGHT.

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[Anonymous]

Dspice……. gosh…. golly….I ……….. well…… it’s just….. your post felt like a cyber hug……thanks for your kindness (blush)

toofat

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[Author]

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