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Re: ADD, rage and cross cultural parenting

Re: ADD, rage and cross cultural parenting2012-09-02T22:49:47+00:00

Post count: 1096

Hello Thao – it sounds as if you have your work cut out for you. You also seem like a very patient and caring person.

I can’t comment really because I am not a parent. However, despite it being a long time ago, I do remember being a 12 year old girl.

My upbringing was the kind that taught respect – a term that you mentioned a lot in your first post. However whilst I did not have ODD, I did not respect anyone who didn’t earn it. Or to be more specific, I treated people with respect until they failed to deserve my respect. I could still be courteous but sometimes I couldn’t disguise my thoughts.

Sadly my father fell off his pedestal with a thump and consequently I lost all respect for him. His behaviour disgusted me and there was no respect from me at all. I didn’t hide that.

So a 12 year old girl is not going to respond to someone who gives her the silent treatment or who cannot control his temper. He needs to ‘earn’ her respect – neither you nor he can ‘teach’ her that. Respect is earned although she can be polite despite lacking respect – but maybe that’s just semantics.

I have ADD and would have had it at 12 although I didn’t know at the time. Like your daughter I could be a bit sharp.

Somehow, your husband must realise that respect is earned. Your daughter will respond to him more if she feels comfortable with him. It’s not easy and he may not be able to alter his ways. But he can learn to keep quiet and start being her friend.

My brother’s children were not brought up strictly and were not taught respect. My mom used to worry about how they would turn out as a result. They are now the kindest and most thoughtful adults I know. But there wasn’t conflict between the kids and parents.

I hope you manage to resolve everything – good luck.

PS – Tiddler’s post came in whilst I was writing mine. I tend to agree with her. ADHD might be an excuse for a quick temper, but not for emotional abuse. You should not have to tolerate that. So it comes back to respect again – and the fact that HE needs to be the one showing respect as well as earning it.