Re: ADD, rage and cross cultural parenting

[wawabyjohnah]

Hi Thao

Your husband sounds an awful lot like my father. I put up with similar things when I was your daughters age- things thrown, holes punched, silent treatment, lots of emotional abuse. Don’t ever compare that to physical violence by thinking if he isn’t hitting her, it’s not too bad. The emotional stuff is just as bad, if not worse, because no one can ‘see’ it ie there are no bruises on the outside. But there are plenty on the inside and they remain with you for a long time. My brother turned 30 this year and is still dealing with the emotional abuse from my father- and he still isn’t dealing with it well- very much in denial about it all. My father also refused to get treatment for many years, and when my mum finally convinced him to go to a doctor, he was diagnosed with bipolar/manic depression. He had many of the same behaviours as you’ve said your husband has. But he refused to take medication and didn’t believe the diagnosis so the cycle continued until my mum finally got the courage to kick him out when I was at university. He still has the disorder (I also suspect he has adhd too) and does nothing about it, so still has rage issues and all that.

I’m not sure what to suggest. I know how hard it is to get someone to admit there is a problem and to seek help. Have a talk yourself to your doctor about his behaviour and see what they think could be the problem. Get some pamphlets, factsheets etc and maybe sit them somewhere he will see them and hope he looks at them. Maybe you and your daughter could write down how you feel when he ‘goes off’ at your daughter in a letter to him and share when he is calm, to show him how you feel. Social cues and emotions are not usually an adhders strong point and he might not realise how bad he is making you feel. My father wants everything to go back to ‘the way it was’- which means he has no idea how bad the ‘way it was’ actually was.

As blunt and hard as this might sound- you might be better off without him. He isn’t your responsibility. He is a grown man. He needs to sort himself out and if he is not willing to do that, you need to do what is best for yourself and your daughter. (This is only my opinion from my own experiences)

I hope everything works out for you and your family.

Johnah

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