Re: ADD, rage and cross cultural parenting

[ipsofacto]

There are so many factors to your family’s problem. It’s something we have been dealing with in our home as well.

I am British, and live in the US. There is an element of cultural difference even for me, but that is not the core issue. I would suggest you and your husband watch the Barkley ADHD videos on you-tube to understand the emotional regulation issues of having ADHD. You should also watch his views on ODD as an integral part of ADHD.

You didn’t say how old your daughter is, but I’m suspecting early teens. It is apparently common for girls not to be diagnosed until their early/mid teens. Certainly the case with our daughter. So I would keep a close eye on her. My wife is an experienced elementary school teacher and had not suspected ADHD in our daughter.

From all that I have read, the progression of ODD is very much a product of environment. Once it rears it’s ugly head, you can either feed it and watch it grow, or carefully sooth it until it is no longer a problem. Unchecked ADHD emotional reactions from daughter and father will feed off each other. I know my daughter managed to drag me down to her level a few times. I couldn’t believe I was being sucked in, but since my ADHD diagnosis, I now see how it could happen. In your case, focusing only at your husband’s adhd may cause you to miss the other side of the coin; your daughter.

I think it is essential that your husband looks again at finding some help for the emotional side of his ADHD. Whether this takes the form of CBT or MBCT, is less important than 1) he recognize that his over reactions are the product of his ADHD, 2) That there is a very real risk of causing your daughter to become ODD, and 3) he can do something about it if he cares to.

In the past I had been very much in control my ADHD generally, but had not considered the emotional regulation deficit that came with it. It was conflict with my daughter that really brought home to me how poorly I was able to control my reactions. As I had already been using mindfulness and meditation years ago, it was to mindfulness that I turned for help. I am now much more aware of my emotions and I’m able to look at them in the light of day before I react. In just a few months, the difference is very noticeable. My daughter is no longer able to engage me in contests of will. My wife is more able to see that it was two sided issue and not just me.

I keep recommending “Mindfulness Prescription for Adult ADHD” as a book that teaches mindfulness, and particularly how to deal with emotion regulation. It was very helpful for me in dealing with that part of my ADHD.

Of course, I may be all wrong, but it’s the internet and that’s my 2 cents worth. I do hope you find a solution.

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