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Re: Confused…

Re: Confused…2012-09-01T10:47:49+00:00

Post count: 929

I was gonna shut down my computer after a long nap. Had to save and close the text file of my last post here (above) but felt wrong about being hard on Dr. Oz.. I’m in the habit of editing, re-checking, and editing some more when I write. Good advice I got here. He’s actually not all that bad. I’ve taken notes watchen his show, 10 min here, 7 min’s there, a few times, until the commercials come and I change the channel. He covers a lot of info. At the end of the show his “in case you missed it” part is good. It’s TV in general and the selling of not just soap, but endless cures, crap, and treatments for everything under the sun these days that I don’t like, lawyers advertising big pay days for those of us that had disabled children because of the medications we’ve all taken. Massive doses of fear to keep us popping more of the same chemicals. I wrote more, but saved all that for my journal.

I’ve managed to stop the cycle of dysfunction we pass from generation to generation, accept for the genetic stuff, and the damage inflicted by the toxins in our air, water, and food. I worry, but don’t all parents?. That’s the job. I’m proud of my kid, and the fact that I encouraged her much more than my family was able to encourage me. I have no idea what it feels like to feel the close family bond people talk about. I was an insect in a house full of reptiles. I’m happy to be alive, sometimes I still miss the danger. The thrill of all consuming terror. Impossible to articulate. I still crave flirting with the danger of the sea. The deep blue green oblivion. Escape. Freedom at last.

The truth Wgreen shares, 10 years old or not is about my family: all the odds I’ve beaten have left me with a bewildering mix of PTSD, fear, arrogance, and spiritual pride: the worst kind of pride. But I know now, that God has no favorites. “Chosen” is a word grossly missunderstood. Some of us just have dumb luck. I stopped believing in karma many years ago.

I wrote endlessly about the dysfunction of growing up in a family infected with all the ADHD related co-morbid frailties. But cut my rant just short of shaming my family and my self any further for no good reason other than bragging about my survival.

Getting back into therapy has scraped up more bits of crud from the bottom of the stock pot that is my life. So it’s back into the mosh pit. God help me, my faith is my only hope.

Thanks for the help gang.