Re: desperate to managing my sleep cycle. any one want to join?

[Anonymous]

I have an appointment with her in a month and have so many questions. I talked to her yesterday on the phone in distress about the insomnia because it is really really bad. I spent last week with an average of 4 hours of sleep a night. I am a 8-9 hours of sleep kind of woman because my quality of sleep is horrible. Even if I am not waking up a bunch of times, I wake up and my sheets are falling off the bed and my jaw hurts from clenching…which is why I am asking for a sleep study! I figure that maybe 8 hours is worth about 6 of a normal person.

If I had let that go much longer, I would have switched to bipolar hypomania in just a few days. I already felt it yesterday. so much inner anxiety and obsessiveness. One of my hypomanic (rarely have true blue mania) signs is that I look like I have some significant OCD. I get very anxious and find myself obsessed on details to the point in which I cannot drag myself away in a very unhealthy manner. The ADD obsessive can’t drag myself away is very time-wasting and leads to some horrible procrastination, but does not compromise my physical and mental health. I just pretty much hyperfocus and procrastinate then realize I have to get something done and need to spend all day. but always more than happy to put everything away to do something else and finish it tomorrow lol. Also, I get irritable and disinhibited. I got angry at my hoarder neighbor and physically threw her crap back on her porch (nothing breakable). ADD irritable is mostly just saying something that I should not or getting impatient or snippy, nothing hostile or physical. definitely nothing I could get arrested for! So, I am getting some worried looks at work as my 11-12 hour days have become 13-14 hours days as I am too obsessed to leave and I look really anxious. People are telling me to go home with worried looks and I can’t. physically and mentally cannot. have to finish have to finish have to finish. kind of scary really.

I think I need to find a more accessible doctor. I’ve been trying to call her in distress for a month with this sleep issue. I wanted to nip it in the bud because I was afraid that I was going to get manic and then not be able to take these meds anymore. Twice, she has told me that she is going to call in more sleep meds to the pharmacy, then I go and there is nothing. I was supposed to get some seroquel yesterday. last ditch effort on that one. nothing! and her office only takes calls on wednesday. and she is only in the office on weds and fri so I need to take work PTO to get there. I’ve been calling her on her cell phone in which makes me feel really intrusive. Yesterday, I ended up crushing and dissolving a Seroquel XR sample from a year ago in water (XR not good for sleeping) in total desperation. made me feel like a fricken addict, even though seroquel is not an addictive drug. I almost puked after drinking that mixture. So max dose ambien + crushed seroquel XR + melatonin + absolute mental and physical exhaustion from a week of insomnia plus 3 14 hour days at work= grand total of 6.5 hours of sleep >_<. I was seriously hoping for 10hr!

so I need to clear my system of the ADD meds. Right now I am soooooooooooo frustrated.. I can’t concentrate!!!!!!! dammmmmittttttttttttttttttttt I mean this isn’t different from my life pattern, but I got used to concentrating. Since June, I have been able to accomplish daily tasks and then enjoy the end of my day doing something recreational or getting exercise.. now I am going to spend the entire day doing this school project and do nothing fun this evening. because I can’t concentrate at all. I can’t even think. I am no longer used to just staring at something for awhile and accomplishing nothing. I mean yes I always get stuff done, but it was nice not to waste endless days of my life.

and no dopamine, the driving part is now concerning. The ADD meds prevent those microsleeps while driving. I am not safe on the road early in the morning without them. So much that I plan on taking a short acting dexedrine or maybe half of one. I am also not safe on the 2 hour drive I need to do tomorrow. Before the meds, I downed a bunch of coffee throughout the ride, then pull off the side of the road for 20 minutes halfway through. When I had an insomnia streak in May, I had to go without caffeine and had to make three 30 min stops along the road. a 1 hr and 40 min drive= 3 hrs. So I absolutely need some stimulant for the road, or it is dangerous. So I will probably take a short acting dexedrine and hope it is good at leaving my system and dexedrine is so much more effective than caffeine and without caffeine’s nasty side effects.

ack….so frustrated. can’t get to my project.. have 4 sticks of gum in my mouth…. with ADD meds, I could focus. and I wouldn’t be killing my jaw and stomach with compulsive gum chewing. I would focus, sit still, not compulsively chew the gum, and then get my crap done and have a fun evening.

this could have been prevented if I hadn’t have had this month of on and off insomnia.

I guess I’ll be crushing Seroquel XR and getting nothing done until I can call my doc on her personal phone on Monday

*breaths*

thanks for the vent.

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