sorry to hear about your loss.
all these thoughts are completely normal. i used to feel “jealous” of those who find their niche also…. my sister is one that i’d always envied. she just knew what she wanted to do by the age of 18. i’m 32 and still don’t know. hahahaha
a machine would be awesome! i would want to make a “time/add(hd) machine”…. so once they understand where i’m coming from we could go back to the scenario with their new perspective and try again. 
however, i can say this. now that i’m at my acceptance stage… the first thing i did was apologize to all sorts of people. i’ve made phone calls to the ones that are still talking to me and emails to those that are not. not only for them, but for me… for everyone to get closer on events that may have been taken out of context or blown out of proportion. facing things is hard, but so worth it.
don’t fret about employers (unless your email has shadow in it, too. if it does…. i recommend you getting an email addy that is solely for job searches. make it a first, last name… plus a number @whateveremailprovider.com (just a suggestion).
someone in another post mentioned things about how people are quick to scoff if the condition is “in your head”. for the most part our brain functionality is still so foreign to people that any mental condition is deemed “scoff worthy” at times. hell, look how long it has taken for people to really truly start advocating and understanding autism.
just make the best with what you have. when life gives you lemons… make lemonade!
be well (((hugs)))
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