Re: (Extremely long post) Overwhelmed, probably a rant of my entire life

[Carrie]

WOW!! At first I thought I wasn’t going to be able to read all that… but once I was started just couldn’t stop! WOW! What a life! What an experience! I just LOVE how you handled everything! I love how you keep pressing on! Thats AWESOME! Keep on fighting the good fight!

“First, because I read it last: “I get a lot of complaints about “You’re absolutely right” but “you could of lied to me a little just to make me feel better, jerk.” “

YEAH!!! Totally hear that. What the hell is wrong with people that don’t like honesty? Okay, maybe up front honesty isn’t the best policy, but dammit, even if it is ADHD, honesty is just who I am. Deal, people!””

EXACTLY! YES YES YES YES YEEEEEEEEEEES!! I do the SAME thing ALL the time. If you cant take it then get the…. out! I am better at saying it in a nicer way. Depends on the person im talking to.

Dealing with childhood crap is always hard…. I didn’t go through nearly what you did. My father was an abusive alcoholic. I remember him beating my mom and blaming myself… Often I had to act like the parent. I remember coming home when I was 17 after staying at my aunts for a week and my parents had just split up. My dad was over at the house. I walked in and he said “You got home at the right time” sarcastically. I went downstairs to put my stuff away. I then heard a bunch of noise and my mom saying his name over and over. I ran upstairs and he (hes 6’2″, shes 5′) had her pinned up against the wall. I grabbed him and he took hold of my arms so hard. I remember thinking to myself “oh crap!” But I knew he wouldnt hurt me. He would never hit me. He saw what he was doing and let me go. I broke them up and made them sit across from each other and take turns talking. hahaha actually I do find it quite humerus. At the time not really… As much as all that hurt… I don’t blame him. He has NO RIGHT doing any of that. But my grandfather was worse. Emotionally abusive, and physically abusive towards my father. How can my dad learn whats right if he was never taught? My grandfather I cant blame! Believe it or not, his MOTHER was EVEN worse!! Some of the horror stories my cousin was telling me. How can you blame them when they themselves were never taught what was right…. Now blinded without hope they carry on.

My dad still has alcohol problems… but not like he used to. I wouldn’t give up any of my experiences for anything. Love conquers all… How does one love? I don’t know. Little bits at a time… Be honest with your heart. We never showed our love in our family. Didnt know how to express it… frankly I still have a hard time. I feel its inferior, and corny. My dad would make fun or joke about emotion which really hurt, but he himself didnt know how to handle or express it. Now I don’t care. My dad once got drunk and drove for approx 8 hours on the highway because he was stressed out and depressed about money matters. As soon as I heard about this and he came to say hello I said “DAD! I don’t care if you drink! I dont care if you spend money you dont have! Money comes and goes. But I only have ONE DAD! I dont want to lose him! You may as well play Russian roulette!”

Sometimes just letting someone you love know that you care about them in the simplest way, is an awesome help. At times its hard…. but they have problems too… Yes we make our own choices… but whats influenced them? Maybe I am still trying to find the good thats in everyone… maybe it doesnt exist and I am being naive… Will I let the same person hurt me over and over… No. Will I give them a fair chance yes… I will encourage them, love them. I wont enable. Most of all, forgive. Nothing eats away at you more than not forgiving someone… Letting them rob you of joy.

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