Re: Fairytale to Heart Broken

[Rick Green – Founder of TotallyADD]

Hi Jennifer,

I acknowledge you for reaching out to the community.

I can imagine you are in shock. That will pass.

ADHD is not a death sentence! NOT AT ALL!!!

When we made the documentary (I’m the director by the way) one Doctor told us that in all of medicine there is no diagnosis that comes with as much good news. Undiagnosed and untreated ADHD can sabotage your life.

Diagnosed and treated, you can manage the challenges and play to the strengths. There is much that can be done. One study showed that with proper treatment 75% of the core symptoms can be reduced. Trust me, I know. I have see it for scores of people. Once you know what’s going on, and that you aren’t damaged or lazy, but simply at the end of the spectrum in terms of filtering information and managing information, (An activity of your pre-frontal lobes) then you can put strategies in place and stop thinking you’re a failure.

Here is the key: Get a proper diagnosis. Yes, it sounds like ADHD but so does BiPolar. So does severe sleep apnea. So does Depression. So do various personality disorders. Whatever is going on for him probably won’t be solved by divorce. Again, I know that first hand.

So urge him to get the diagnosis. And read as much as you can about it in the meantime.

I am shocked at the number of members and people I meet who tell me they are ‘dealing with my ADHD’ and yet have never been officially diagnosed. Self diagnosis is so dangerous. Humans are terrible at self assessment to begin with. ADDers are worse than most people. When you were born this way, it’s all you know. You have no idea it could be different.

It’s so easy to misdiagnose oneself, or someone you love. It’s so easy to miss something. This is why Dr. J spends so much of his time teaching other doctors how to diagnose it.

In the meantime read more on this website and elsewhere.

Avoid things that promise a miracle cure or quick fix.

It is never too late. You get to say. There is not timetable to life or set schedule. I was 47 when I was diagnosed. Patrick McKenna wasn’t diagnosed until we did the documentary.

Also, consider the title of your posting, “From Fairy Tale to Heart Broken.” Alas, Fairy Tales are not real. There are no real Fairy Tales in the world. If we can take away one thing from Prince Charles and Diana it’s that no one lives, “Happily ever after.” Most real couples I know consider leaving each other, and swearing they’ve made a huge mistake about once a week. And then of course they work things out…

I appreciate the issues you are facing. They are tough. They seem scary. You may feel they are insurmountable. But you also probably know what human beings are capable of, and how strong the human heart and soul can be. When our children are in danger, we will wrestle lions to the ground to protect them.

(An analogy I use is to point out that if I asked you to prepare 19,710 meals, you’d say it was impossible. And yet when you have a child, that’s what you do. Three meals a day until they are 18. Or longer, these days!)

So you are stronger than you realize.

And as you read through the stories here, and hear their stories, you’ll recognize yourself and your husband. You’ll see we are all stronger than we realize.

It will take time. If you can’t get your husband here, start with yourself. You need to let go of the idea that it’s a disaster, an illness, a sign of failure, or a death sentence. If you approach it that way, you’ll be sabotaging yourself and him.

A good place to start is to draw up a list of things you love about your husband. And carry that list with you. And add to it. Cause that’s where your future, and your husband’s future, lie.

In fact, why don’t you list some of his strengths here, for us. What do you love about him? (It may take a while to remember. That’s okay!)

But first find out if it is ADHD. Read more. And talk to a Doctor.

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