September 7, 2010 at 6:51 am #88527
AnonymousInactiveSeptember 7, 2010 at 6:51 amPost count: 14413
It is with great sadness that write this post. It appears that my husband has adult ADD. He was diagnosed as a kid and hated being on the medication. He managed to get around it by participating in sports and seemingly moving on in his life. I met him 5 years ago and our marriage seemed like a fairytale. We had so much in common and fell in love so easily. We we married 3 years ago and all seemed good… as time passed I found my husband to be short with me about the house hold chores. It sent him into a rage if I made too many dishes while cooking. He was miserable if the house was untidy. He started drinking daily and we would have weeks where everything seemed fine and then out of the blue he would be in a terrible mood and accuse me of being mean and grinding him down. In my eyes we had a wonderful marriage and yes I knew that we had issues but nothing I didnt think we would work out. His mood swings seemed to get worse in the last few months and I had this underlying fear that he was ready to jump ship. He seemed disinterested in working on our marriage and finally 7 weeks ago I asked him and he told me that he wanted out. That he feels that I teat him poorly and dont respect him. I know there are two sides to this story but all I can say is that he is the love of my life. I think the world of him. I have begged him to go to counselling and he seems to think that things are beyond repair. I was sharing with a friend the other day that I feel like when we talk Im saying one thing and he’s hearing a completely different message… both her daughter and husband suffer from ADD and she asked me if I thought this could be my husband. I had never truely looked at ADD before. Then that night the show ADD and loving it was one and I caught 1/2 of the program. It was like a light had been put on in a room that had been dark for years. All of the behaviors that they were speaking about described the man I have been living with… unfortunately I think its too late for us. I asked him to watch the show but all he hears when I talk to him about what is happening is that I think he’s broken and if I could only fix him he would get better. I dont think he’s broken at all. But I do think that if he could get properly diagnosed and we could see a therapist that specializes in individuals and couples with ADD that would would have a fighting chance of getting through this. I waited my whole life for this wonderful man and when I stood before our friends and family and said forever – I really meant it. For better or for worse. As I have been reading about what happens with people with ADD, I am wondering if my husband sees what we need to work on as so insurmountable that he just cant consider making it work? Im at my wits end. I have been trying to reason with him, I have pleaded even begged him to not give up and to try counseling and all I keep hearing is that ‘he’s done’. In my mind it doenst make sense to give up on a good marriage if there is any hope for success but when an ADDer says their done, is this when I should throw the towel in too?REPORT ABUSESeptember 7, 2010 at 8:40 am #95342
CarryParticipantSeptember 7, 2010 at 8:40 amPost count: 119
That’s a tough one to deal with Jennifer. I can’t give you any advice on when to throw in the towel, or whether you should.
I’m the ADD’er in my family. I had no idea how much my state (before I knew I had it, initially I went for help with a depression) affected my wife and my three year old son. She literally told me, that she can’t handle taking care of a kid and an adult, as if they were both her kids. I was supposed to help her raise our son, we chose to do so, when we decided to bring him into this world. If things were to continue like this, she would not live with me anymore.
If he’s in a cocoon like I was, he has no idea. He may think he’s the only one suffering and feel he’s not hurting anyone but himself by not taking care of this. I had my diagnosis at 38. So I have no idea what he has been through during childhood, concerning his ADD or the treatment he received.
My wife is .. there’s no words for it. She’s an amazing mom and has always been (and still is) very supportive, but she came to a point where she had to stand up for herself and our little guy.
Now that you’re beginning to understand a little about where he’s at, you may be able to find a way to let him know that he’s not the only one that suffers from his disorder. I hope you’ll be able to get through to him.
I’m sure one of the experts on here can help you with advice on what kinds of help you can get, to help you decide what path to take and where you should draw the line.
I wish you strength and understanding!
CREPORT ABUSESeptember 8, 2010 at 2:05 am #95343
AnonymousInactiveSeptember 8, 2010 at 2:05 amPost count: 14413
Jennifer, I say get him here. Something has got to trigger him to put all the pieces in place. As an ADD husband I had no idea. I see allot of me so far in this post. My Wife had said it was like raising 2 kids. It’s true I won’t deny it. I learned early in life how to get things done. Well mostly how to get others to do for me.
Your Husband really doesn’t know what to do. Our logic and reason is different. I say refuse to sign any papers or anything like that until he starts meds and working on his ADD. Maybe once he get some meds on board and someone outside of you 2 to show him what’s been going on he’ll come around.
I found to that I started focusing on the nagging. I say nagging cause it’s what it feels like. Then we get defensive and blame the Wife.. This ADD’er for one doesn’t blame those who live with us and our ADD for being angry. How many times do you need to ask us to do something… More then once I’m sure. It then goes to blaming the ones we Love for how we feel. I did that. It’s not your fault. I say read p on what all AD/HD is. It’s more then just paying attention. If there’s anything more “sing out!: I for one will be happy to be a sounding boatd or whatereREPORT ABUSESeptember 8, 2010 at 3:47 pm #95344
Rick Green – Founder of TotallyADDParticipantSeptember 8, 2010 at 3:47 pmPost count: 473
I acknowledge you for reaching out to the community.
I can imagine you are in shock. That will pass.
ADHD is not a death sentence! NOT AT ALL!!!
When we made the documentary (I’m the director by the way) one Doctor told us that in all of medicine there is no diagnosis that comes with as much good news. Undiagnosed and untreated ADHD can sabotage your life.
Diagnosed and treated, you can manage the challenges and play to the strengths. There is much that can be done. One study showed that with proper treatment 75% of the core symptoms can be reduced. Trust me, I know. I have see it for scores of people. Once you know what’s going on, and that you aren’t damaged or lazy, but simply at the end of the spectrum in terms of filtering information and managing information, (An activity of your pre-frontal lobes) then you can put strategies in place and stop thinking you’re a failure.
Here is the key: Get a proper diagnosis. Yes, it sounds like ADHD but so does BiPolar. So does severe sleep apnea. So does Depression. So do various personality disorders. Whatever is going on for him probably won’t be solved by divorce. Again, I know that first hand.
So urge him to get the diagnosis. And read as much as you can about it in the meantime.
I am shocked at the number of members and people I meet who tell me they are ‘dealing with my ADHD’ and yet have never been officially diagnosed. Self diagnosis is so dangerous. Humans are terrible at self assessment to begin with. ADDers are worse than most people. When you were born this way, it’s all you know. You have no idea it could be different.
It’s so easy to misdiagnose oneself, or someone you love. It’s so easy to miss something. This is why Dr. J spends so much of his time teaching other doctors how to diagnose it.
In the meantime read more on this website and elsewhere.
Avoid things that promise a miracle cure or quick fix.
It is never too late. You get to say. There is not timetable to life or set schedule. I was 47 when I was diagnosed. Patrick McKenna wasn’t diagnosed until we did the documentary.
Also, consider the title of your posting, “From Fairy Tale to Heart Broken.” Alas, Fairy Tales are not real. There are no real Fairy Tales in the world. If we can take away one thing from Prince Charles and Diana it’s that no one lives, “Happily ever after.” Most real couples I know consider leaving each other, and swearing they’ve made a huge mistake about once a week. And then of course they work things out…
I appreciate the issues you are facing. They are tough. They seem scary. You may feel they are insurmountable. But you also probably know what human beings are capable of, and how strong the human heart and soul can be. When our children are in danger, we will wrestle lions to the ground to protect them.
(An analogy I use is to point out that if I asked you to prepare 19,710 meals, you’d say it was impossible. And yet when you have a child, that’s what you do. Three meals a day until they are 18. Or longer, these days!)
So you are stronger than you realize.
And as you read through the stories here, and hear their stories, you’ll recognize yourself and your husband. You’ll see we are all stronger than we realize.
It will take time. If you can’t get your husband here, start with yourself. You need to let go of the idea that it’s a disaster, an illness, a sign of failure, or a death sentence. If you approach it that way, you’ll be sabotaging yourself and him.
A good place to start is to draw up a list of things you love about your husband. And carry that list with you. And add to it. Cause that’s where your future, and your husband’s future, lie.
In fact, why don’t you list some of his strengths here, for us. What do you love about him? (It may take a while to remember. That’s okay!)
But first find out if it is ADHD. Read more. And talk to a Doctor.REPORT ABUSESeptember 8, 2010 at 5:15 pm #95345
AnonymousInactiveSeptember 8, 2010 at 5:15 pmPost count: 14413
Thank you guys for your replies. I have been reading up on the site and it helps to know Im not alone. I would always have said that we had a great marriage and that it was 90% good and 10% work (not bad just stuff that we needed to work on).
What do I love about my husband. He is the sorta guy that will drop everything to help someone out. He loves his kids and has always made an effort with his ex wife and with me to make sure that the kids always came first. He is my best friend. He has this way of making me feel both special and beautiful. We have this connection where we can finish each others sentences and sometime say what the other person is thinking. I love how smart he is – and how hard he works at his job. I love that he loves to travel as much as I do and that he has a very adventurous spirit. I love that he is touchy feely and loves to cuddle, hug and kiss. And sadly I miss all of it. The man I have been dealing with since he announced he was leaving has been insensitive and distant. The harder I try to reach out to him and get him to see that we had a good relationship the harder he pushes me away… I agree he does need to get a good doctor and hopefully a diagnosis and if it doesnt help things with us I would be happy if it helped him for the kids sake and any future relationships he may have….REPORT ABUSEDecember 7, 2010 at 1:54 am #95346
AnonymousInactiveDecember 7, 2010 at 1:54 amPost count: 14413
Ok. This is my first post on this site; I’m glad I found it. Maybe I’m too late to this thread, and maybe no one will read it, but even if that’s the case, it’s good therapy for me anyhow. I have known for about five years I was add and even had a psych dr. tell me I could be bipolar. I got several other diagnoses that confirmed add though; I took the Rx accurately but I didn’t surround myself with understanding friends or support groups and hoped my wife could love me through it. But I am just coming through what feels like a nightmare- they call it simply divorce, but it’s more like a death in the family. I was married to my high school sweetheart for 18 years and we have 3 young kids that I know I love more than life itself. Sure, I’m depressed. Sure, I wish I had gotten help sooner and had seen all the signs that she was leaving me. Sure, I wish I could hit the “do over” button. But I can’t; she wouldn’t consider any marital counseling, and has been in a rush to get it finalized. I say all this as a warning to those couples out there who are silently suffering, putting on a great charade for family and friends, and are drifting every day toward the cliff and what society would merely term ‘another statistic’, hoping the other would all of a sudden change or meet someone else with it, or find help in a book. Divorce truly kills a part of you, leaving only memories to keep you warm. All I can say is, whether you or your spouse has the illness, they CAN change, and things CAN get better, at least thats what the experts say. But don’t waste any time: fight for your marriage now, for your kids if you have any, as if …you were thrown into an icy lake and starting to drown.REPORT ABUSEDecember 7, 2010 at 4:20 am #95347
AnonymousInactiveDecember 7, 2010 at 4:20 amPost count: 14413
I have been married to a wonderful man for almost 20 years. Maybe I should say he’s been tolerating me for the same length of time. My son was (officially) diagnosed with ADD almost a year ago. As he was going through his testing and I was reading through the questionnaires I realized THIS IS ME!! My whole life literally passed before my eyes and at that moment I knew….I was not depressed, I had ADD!!! I was diagnosed 6 months ago.
My husband is one of those who does not get it….not with my son or with me. I am currently taking medication and it helps tremendously, but I am still trying to find myself and keep him happy at the same time. It just seems like everything I do is wrong and when I tell him how I feel….well, “That’s your problem!”. There are days when he treats me great but if I have a bad or forgetful day he acts like I’m one of the kids. He’s not very patient with my ADD son either. I realize that he cannot control many of his behaviors when the Concerta has worn off for the day. My husband does not get it! I know I haven’t been the easiest person in the world to live with but
I honestly try to keep the house clean, not forget things or dates, etc. Even on medication, I still feel like a failure as a wife and mother. I am trying to get control of myself, my house and my life in general. I get so excited when I complete something and I want my husband to share in my excitement but most of the time he acts like he could care less. Maybe all the years of tolerating me and my behavior have numbed him and maybe there is no hope. I want him to understand that the things I do or don’t do are not done to irritate him or make his life miserable. I am always apologizing for everything. I don’t know how to make him understand. I am to the point that I don’t talk anymore because everything I say seems to be wrong. I could go on and on….. Anybody know how I feel?REPORT ABUSEDecember 8, 2010 at 11:06 am #95348
AnonymousInactiveDecember 8, 2010 at 11:06 amPost count: 14413
Absolutely. Wish I could fix things for you, but I couldn’t do that for myself. Maybe try to hook your husband up with a friend, counselor, Pastor, or even work associate that can help him see the light. Even if you have to do it secretly so he doesn’t know it was you. Funny, but a Don Henley song comes to mind: ” forgiveness, even if you don’t love me anymore “REPORT ABUSE
Fairytale to Heart Broken2010-09-07T06:51:09+00:00
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