Re: Frustated with having ADD

[Anonymous]

Flourshoppe-

O man, I feel your pain! It has taken me 12 years, (no exaggerating) hundred’s of arguements, and fighting for what’s RIGHT FOR ME until I’ve gotten so upset I was sick to my stomach, to get the people in my life to even consider that I am making the right decision by trying to start my own business. The earlier posts on here are familiar too, and sometime I want to take my “loved ones” shake them and scream in their faces until they do get me. Fortunately I know that won’t work, but it didn’t help me feel any better about myself, my jobs, and my rapidly disintegrating relationship(s).

I did get a very good recommendation the other day, from a very good friend and his wife who got their diagnosis about 2 years ago (mine was about 8 mo ago), and they have told me that it saved their relationship, and his job. I was skeptical, but got the book, and started reading it out loud with my husband. We haven’t gotten very far, as we take frequent breaks to discuss what we’re reading at the time, so I can remember any of it! But I will say this, I have been with my husband for 12 years and have never been able to have the kind of calm, in depth, productive conversations that we’ve had since starting it. Not even once. The above entries discribe our relationship to a T. fights that go in circles, accusations, disrespect, not talking, the list goes on and on until you find yourself living in the darkest layer of hell and all you want is to GET OUT. Which wasn’t really what either of us wanted, but when its bad……

The ADHD Effect on Marriage by Melissa Orlov is the book and respective website. I can’t recommend it enough. The book lays it out so simply, and says what you mean to say in a way the “other” brain can understand. After only a little bit I found myself saying (unusual for me) things like, “I had no idea you felt like that, I’m so very sorry for putting you through that! ” and (super critical) hubby was saying things like ” I couldn’t even imagine feeling like that! You mean you always feel that bad, about everything?! Why are you so hard on yourself?” And lead to specific instances that we were able to lay out, without accusing, where we were hurting each others feelings and of course had no idea we were doing so. Then helped us come up with new ways to present that information to each other to change our interactions in the future, things so simple that I felt crazy for not having figured it out myself!

I was afraid it was going to be like marriage counseling, which didn’t work, where you’d have to watch what you say, how you say it, and muck up my already overfull head, but it was as simple as sin. Without much thought or effort by either of us, we’ve been able to start using these things, and have already seen improvements!

Example, He calls, we talk, I’m done with what I have to say, so I say “love you, bye!” and hang up. Nothing wrong there, right? then why is he mad? Well I tend to forget that I’m not the only one who needs to talk, and sometimes he’s not done at the same time as me, so yesterday when he called over lunch I simply asked, before saying bye, “is that all? any other info you need?” Turns out there was something else he needed to ask, and it was about if I needed anything from the drugstore, since he had to stop on his way home. How sweet? He’s never asked if he could help by picking stuff up before, but maybe I never gave him the chance! Such a small simple miscommunication, been the source of fights for years because we as humans got lost in the emotions, and let it get out of control. So stupid, so much wasted time and hurt feelings.

The book gives tips for both sides to use, in a simple format, in small sections, and works well to leave the blame off of anyone. Just asking to accept your partners way of being in the world, and methods of processing information.

So now I’ve been using these tips to communicate with others too, and trying to help them with how to talk to me. Again already helped with mom, daughter, bf, and others. Wish I had this starting in 5th grade, life would be a whole lot different.

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