Frustated with having ADD

[Faequine]

So many things not to do, to stop doing, or at least minimize them from happpening.

I get a vartation repeated every week, when my husbands pateince/tolerence for the things i do or don’t do wears thin, or snaps. To me it seems out of the blue, but he has pointed out that even the little things i do that annoy him haven’t happened once but more like 100 times. Hard for me to appreiciate, i barely remember the one time it happened 2 minutes ago. It sometimes is seems to leads to hours of on and off feeling like i’m being shit on. A majority of which i’m still wondering wtf is he talking about. Trying to get him to relax, slow down, break it down so i can try and grasp what’s going on usually infuriates him farther, i admit it’s annoying. I feel like i’m being buried by all these thing i’m suposed to rememeber and eventually eliminate, which i’m having a bitch of a time remebering in the first place. It got to a point where i made a list. It had roughly 15 things that had been mentioned in less then a week. I would glance at it every once in a while to sort of keep on track, a reminder of what was to change, or at least that was the plan. It was blown to smitherines when it was pointed out to me that i hadn’t been changing at all. I had pulled out this list to show/ prove that there where things i was improving on. I myself had broken things down too much, that everything i had listed can be summed up in a few seemingly simple things. Listening/communication/attention, quality sex, prorites/focus… It’s not exactly accurate, my memory doesn’t remember them exactly. When i ask for the ‘things’ to be repeated, i get rolly eyes and ‘ its been the same for 5 years, you should know by now” or something simillar to that. Its some what of a constant quessing game for me, and a constant piss off for him. I have no idea of what to start on.

As mentioned in my first post, the doctor i was reffered to was a complete waste of time. I was seeing him for almost 2 years and on one return visit i went to his office thinking, ok time to start pegging down some behavior issues. We had been struggling to switch me to a different medication. My student benfits don’t cover much, the 2 different kinds he Rx’d previously weren’t covered, and with the price tag being around or over $300, there was no way i was going to afford them. So we made some changes with the same meds i’ve been one since May 2010. Once that was done, i asked what could be done about the ADD related behaviours, he said that mainly they were just “bad habits” they shouldn’t really matter ( no suggestions on how to deal with the habits where made), i told him they aren’t bad habits, these were serious issues on the verge of ruining my marriage. His response ” well lets see what the medications will do”, the same thing he’s said after every visit for the last 2 years. I left fuming, haven’t been back since that visit the summer before school started up again. i still think he should some how be stripped of some of his tittles eg: him being a adult ADD/ADHD “specailist” HA!

Yet, alot of the things i’ve read since seing the phycologist, and on this site all have a positive veiw to them. Its some what of a foreign consept for me. How is ADD a positive thing? How do i find out what my strengths are? Or how do i turn ADD in strengths? Every article mentions these, but it all seems very vague to me. I don’t understand how it done. And once again i feel very frustrated, just like i was with the Changes List. I don’t understand how to do anything. Grrr!

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[Faequine]

As frustration grows, so does a sense of failure and despair. Was in a very dark place yesturday,should of even been scared, but i get to a place where i don’t care anymore, it can’t get much worse. The only solution sometimes seems to be relieving my family of me, then i wouldn’t be causing any issues because i’ve done something ADD related, or ‘rude’, or being a ‘bitch’, or being ‘cold hearted’ and while being mocked. Yesturday, heck today, the peacful quiet release of death seems to be the final piece to my puzzle.

It would be much better then being yelled at for hours, eventually turning to events in the past that i thought were long well, past. Dredging up issues that don’t matter anymore or aren’t relevent to what’s happening currently. Just because something happened to remind him of a past situation he didn’t like must mean he can blame me for everything that happened, even if i’m not really invovled in these past events. Heck even if i’ve been foregiven for a past mistake, and (i thought) we had moved on, i get torn a new one as if it where the day it happened. Which was over 3 years ago.

Any progress made is ignored, pushed aside, or ‘out weighed’ by the (ie) distractions in a conversation happening repeatedly in the past 6 years. Forgetting (or ignoring) that the day previous i wasn’t distracted while talking, not even once. I keep getting asked ‘what have you even tried to do?’ Answer: Not get distracted when talking. I get laughed at ‘you do that all the time!’ So i point out my recent success. ‘So what, it will just happen tomorrow’ or ‘so what its happened more then 50 miliion time in the last 6 years’. (Not caring about only being diagnosed less then 2 years ago). I get nothing for what progress i make, no wonder it don’t stick. I have tried to point out the way he is make it harder, sets my up to fail, and there’s to much negitivity, he should look at the positive. But no, ADD is all me, so he doesn’t need to do a thing. FML.

I try to do so much, but none of it matters, I don’t matter. I’m fighting a battle where i’m out numbered 10 to 1, if this wear a real war i would of died a long time ago. Apparently my ADD behaviours make me the #1 worlds worst mom, that’s great then cause they’ll be better off with out me too.

I don’t know how much more i can take.

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[trashman]

be strong and learn and know you always have the right to be treated with respect. and as my mother use to say if you can’t say anything nice then don’t say anything at all. good luck.

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[Anonymous]

Fae i think you should find a shelter .. for women and speak to them about adhd

i know that the shelters on vancouver island, they know about adhd and how it

can screw up relationships … also you seem to be in a lose lose situation … bail ..

trashman glad to see you are still here ..

i am so completely down at times ………… keep well

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[Tiddler]

Hi

I think your partner seems to be very negative and this can only lead to self doubt and despair.

You have ADHD. This means that you do things differently to your partner. Instead of criticising you and talking down to you, he needs to recognise that and respond with empathy. If you had trouble walking, would he treat you badly for needing crutches? Or for lying in bed if the pain got too much?

If he can’t see the many, many positives you have, ask yourself why not. They’re right there for anyone to see. I’ve spent a couple of minutes reading what you’ve written, that’s all, and I already know that you’re strong, you want to do the ‘right’ thing, you work hard at your relationship, you can ask for help time and again even when you’re being knocked back for it and you seem to be suffering from depression yet still fighting to learn more and get better.

I think you’re bloody amazing. If he can’t see that and he’s putting you down to this extent, you probably need to speak urgently to someone who can help with the immediate problem of how low your mood has gone.

Your family are NOT better off without you. Your children need you and love you and ADD doesn’t make anyone a bad parent. You sound just like me to be honest – maybe stronger than me – but similar for sure. The only difference as I can see it is that my husband doesn’t mock or belittle me, so my self esteem, when it takes a dive, climbs again because I have someone to lean on. That’s his job, just as it’s mine when he needs the same.

If he can’t give you that, do reach out to someone else – a women’s aid, another doctor, a friend or family member – anyone that you can tell that this is getting too much for you.

And keep talking to us. You’re going to be fine. Better than fine. I’m sure of it.

ADD is just part of you. It hasn’t removed all your other gifts and strengths – and you clearly have MANY of those.

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[Anonymous]

Faequine;

For me, prior to learning about ADHD, I would often find myself on the defensive about being callled to task for being late, for instance. I couldn’t understand why I was chronically late. People would be quite derisive, as they interpreted my apparent “refusal” to be on time, as well as my “refusal” to remember apointments, dates, etc. as laziness or just not caring. From the struggles I went through inside trying to correct these things, I knew better. I would feel persecuted, and pout, thinking I should just be punctual and be a total bastard and see how they liked that. “I’m on time and I follow the rules. That’s what you wanted, so shut up.”

A bit childish and over the top, but that’s what it felt like. Yet I also noticed that when I was waiting on someone who was late, I felt they didn’t care about my time, and it could be infuriating. I had to come to the realization that what we go through is difficult for those around us.

That said, your husband is doing something that is infuriating to me, and is in my mind wrong, or at least as much as any ADHD related failing; the total exaggeration of what happened to bolster their argument. It has always bothered me when people say something to me once, but no more that two or three times, then when in an argument spout out “I’ve told you 100 times.” No, you haven’t. Also, when something happens that is annoying to them , they use the phrase “You always______!” or “You Never____!” This to me is one sided, wrong, and does not help communication. I don’t “always______” I sometimes____ and I know it’s annoying, but I also get it right sometimes as well. I’m working on it.

Obviously you have problems, as all of us here do, but from what you say, you are decidedly not the only one bringing problems to the situation. Beating people over the head with blatant exaggerations of what they’ve actually done is bad behavior, and does not help make anything better.

Keep hanging in there. They are not better off without you. You are not the only one with failings, even though you may be talked to and about as if you were.

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[Scattybird]

Hello Faequine

Please don’t do anything to harm yourself. It sounds to me like you are a very caring person if you are trying to change all the things that your husband finds irritating.

However, please forgive me if you think I am speaking out of turn here and this is just my perception from what I have read in your posts.

It looks to me as if your husband is mentally/emotionally abusing you. You have had ADHD all your life and even if it didn’t have a name your husband will have experienced all your quirks before he married you. He has absolutely no right to bully you about who you are now.

It might be that you are a little more quirky than usual if you are feeling stressed but you are not to blame for that.

If you can find a specialist or someone to prescribe you ADHD specific meds they might help you sort out your situation. However I think the problem needs to be solved by sorting out your relationship with your husband.

It might not be easy to do and it depends on your circumstances so you need to get advice. The others have suggested going to a woman’s shelter and I agree. The best option would be to tell your husband to leave the family home if he finds it so intolerable. Of course that might be difficult.

The key things to remember are that you are not to blame, you shouldn’t be under an obligation to change who you are, your husband is in the wrong and not you.

Please get proper support both for your ADHD and for your family life. You don’t need to deal with being bullied like that and there must be groups or associations in your area that you can approach for advice.

Good luck, be strong and brave but don’t do it on your own.

PS – since I wrote what’s above I read a previous post form you? It looks like you’re juggling a lot of responsibilities so you must be a pretty amazing person. Sit down with your husband and make sure he’s taking his fair share!! You are still young so don’t let him spoil your life.

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[Anonymous]

Fae.. have you seen the Ted x talks on utube? some very nice ideas … dont let unsupportive spouse get you down

In the spirit of ideas worth spreading, TEDx is a program of local,

self-organized events that bring people together to share a TED-like

experience. At a TEDx event, TEDTalks video and live speakers combine to

spark deep discussion and connection in a small group. These local,

self-organized events are branded TEDx, where x = independently organized

TED event. The TED Conference provides general guidance for the TEDx

program, but individual TEDx events are self-organized.* (*Subject to

certain rules and regulations)

Category:

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Tags:

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Maeve Ryan

Switzerland

English

Creative thinking

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License:

Standard YouTube License

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[Anonymous]

I actually am not frustrated having ADHD, my frustration is because I can’t find people who understand, particularly at work. I’ve cried lots of tears these 4 1/2 years and so want to walk away from that job, and go into my own business again. Just need to figure out how to do that…

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[allan wallace]

Erm, send ’em a text that ‘your’e letting them go’, and that you’re resignation is effective immediately, and perhaps give them a patronising thank-you for the adherence to the professional relationship that was cultivated and nurtured, whilst not forgetting to wish them all the best in their future endeavours! Tee hee….

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[allan wallace]

I should point out that I’m as qualified to offer Career advice, as I am on expounding the quantum physics of splitting the atom! I am as useful as a wig at a hippy festival!

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[trashman]

Allan, sounds good to me. but then again maybe I am not qualified either, considering I have had over 55 jobs in my life. till my doctor told me at age 48 that I was not the worker kind and put me on disability. this too has its upside and its down side. the sad thing is what to do now?

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[allan wallace]

Precisely trashman! What now? There’s nothing to be gained by showing one’s doctors appraisals to the human debris left in our wake due to our ‘impediment’, or is there? The countless people that been let down, disappointed, cheated, trampled, neglected, abandoned, not had loans repaid, and then trying to exhume every broken promise from the Himalayan stack of broken promises with the sole purpose of getting exoneration, or at the very least, mitigation? It’s the proverbial going around in circles, eh?

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[Anonymous]

Flourshoppe-

O man, I feel your pain! It has taken me 12 years, (no exaggerating) hundred’s of arguements, and fighting for what’s RIGHT FOR ME until I’ve gotten so upset I was sick to my stomach, to get the people in my life to even consider that I am making the right decision by trying to start my own business. The earlier posts on here are familiar too, and sometime I want to take my “loved ones” shake them and scream in their faces until they do get me. Fortunately I know that won’t work, but it didn’t help me feel any better about myself, my jobs, and my rapidly disintegrating relationship(s).

I did get a very good recommendation the other day, from a very good friend and his wife who got their diagnosis about 2 years ago (mine was about 8 mo ago), and they have told me that it saved their relationship, and his job. I was skeptical, but got the book, and started reading it out loud with my husband. We haven’t gotten very far, as we take frequent breaks to discuss what we’re reading at the time, so I can remember any of it! But I will say this, I have been with my husband for 12 years and have never been able to have the kind of calm, in depth, productive conversations that we’ve had since starting it. Not even once. The above entries discribe our relationship to a T. fights that go in circles, accusations, disrespect, not talking, the list goes on and on until you find yourself living in the darkest layer of hell and all you want is to GET OUT. Which wasn’t really what either of us wanted, but when its bad……

The ADHD Effect on Marriage by Melissa Orlov is the book and respective website. I can’t recommend it enough. The book lays it out so simply, and says what you mean to say in a way the “other” brain can understand. After only a little bit I found myself saying (unusual for me) things like, “I had no idea you felt like that, I’m so very sorry for putting you through that! ” and (super critical) hubby was saying things like ” I couldn’t even imagine feeling like that! You mean you always feel that bad, about everything?! Why are you so hard on yourself?” And lead to specific instances that we were able to lay out, without accusing, where we were hurting each others feelings and of course had no idea we were doing so. Then helped us come up with new ways to present that information to each other to change our interactions in the future, things so simple that I felt crazy for not having figured it out myself!

I was afraid it was going to be like marriage counseling, which didn’t work, where you’d have to watch what you say, how you say it, and muck up my already overfull head, but it was as simple as sin. Without much thought or effort by either of us, we’ve been able to start using these things, and have already seen improvements!

Example, He calls, we talk, I’m done with what I have to say, so I say “love you, bye!” and hang up. Nothing wrong there, right? then why is he mad? Well I tend to forget that I’m not the only one who needs to talk, and sometimes he’s not done at the same time as me, so yesterday when he called over lunch I simply asked, before saying bye, “is that all? any other info you need?” Turns out there was something else he needed to ask, and it was about if I needed anything from the drugstore, since he had to stop on his way home. How sweet? He’s never asked if he could help by picking stuff up before, but maybe I never gave him the chance! Such a small simple miscommunication, been the source of fights for years because we as humans got lost in the emotions, and let it get out of control. So stupid, so much wasted time and hurt feelings.

The book gives tips for both sides to use, in a simple format, in small sections, and works well to leave the blame off of anyone. Just asking to accept your partners way of being in the world, and methods of processing information.

So now I’ve been using these tips to communicate with others too, and trying to help them with how to talk to me. Again already helped with mom, daughter, bf, and others. Wish I had this starting in 5th grade, life would be a whole lot different.

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[Misswho23]

Thanks for the recommendation of the book. I’ll have to make a note to check it out.

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[Author]

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