Re: getting along with people …how?

[sdwa]

Definitely not just you. I’ve felt like an outsider & freak all of my life. It’s difficult to relate to people or the things that seem to interest them, particularly in group situations, such as at social functions where the goal is to make nice and meaningless conversation. If I don’t hear something that evokes an emotional response, I am generally not invested in what’s happening. That’s a real brain-functioning thing, encountering stimulation powerful enough that to wake me up. I don’t like noise, commotion, crowds, activity – it’s just too much for me. I’ve also developed the skill of looking like I’m following what people say even though I am often tuned out. And I hate running into people I don’t remember but who seem to remember me.

As for what TooFat says, I think a lot of ADHD-related problems may not be about ADHD, but still originate with ADHD, and can build up in layer after convoluted layer of hang-ups, anxieties, defenses, etc. And that addressing the underlying ADHD stuff and how it manifests can help with the other stuff.

Suggestions?

It’s probably a good idea to listen to what someone has said and mirror your understanding of what they said back to them.

Even if you hate it, it’s probably worth memorizing the Miss Manners list of standard acceptable responses to social situations, so you don’t have to think about it. Even if the response is somewhat colorless, no one can say it’s wrong.

For me, the big hurdle has been in coming to a place of self-acceptance, so that even if others think I’m weird, I don’t experience it as so much of problem that I’m devastated, because I have a solid place to retreat to where I do what I love and get into a state of flow. A lot of the ideas that work for non-ADHD people have the opposite effect on me. Like trying to build on areas of weakness, trying to correct mistakes, trying to push beyond the comfort zone – instead of focusing on strengths, successes, and learning how to sustain the comfort zone. Being with and inside of my areas of strength makes me feel more real to myself, and when I feel like I’m more in touch with who I am, more comfortable with who I am, what other people think doesn’t matter as much.

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