getting along with people …how?

[Anonymous]

not sure if it is just my adhd but i have next to no good social skills

i find it difficult to express to others what i want without sounding angry because i am not getting across my needs

biggest problem at present is that i am living in a condo with others .. like an apartment setup, most of them have been

here for several years, so i am the stranger .. trying not to upset their status quo, but they decide among themselves what

facilities are available and then tell me … the feeling of having stuff sprung on me is very harrd to cope with .. thats the adhd

but as well i can not seem to get across that I would like to know what is going on before they decide …so it is not srung on me.

that was an example of sorts, mostly, i do not feel at ease with people, feels at times like i am with aliens .. that may be

anxiety as much as adhd .. any suggestions on getting along with people?

I seem able to do it ok on a superficial, ‘how are you’ sort of greet and run, but mess up when asking for anything, like access

to the community work room, or the laundry rooms etc ..

adhd books so far don’t mention social skill stuff .. hopefully it s not just me ..

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[Carrie]

Oh my goodness! This is EXACTLY what my ADD coach and I have been trying to work on! Social anxiety!! I would LOVE to take my kids out skating, or out for a walk but im TERRIFIED about running into someone I may know because I feel so awkward and YES like an “alien” I say an outsider. I always feel like im on the outside and I just cant seem to connect no matter what I try!

I HATE small talk! I just cant do it! Its sooooooooo awkward… but I feel if I dont start the small talk they will think im rude! One minute I am sooooooo outgoing and HELLO HOW ARE YOU? Isnt is a wonderful day? An hour later, they may see me again and im super shy trying not to make eye contact and feel like an idiot. I always feel like im on the outside looking in… and with the ADD avoid and fear places I may run into someone like the store, out for a walk, taking my kids to school. BLEH! Sorry to vent on your post! But its so nice to know im not the only one!!

My weekly focus with my coach is to keep practicing the small talk because with ADD with tend to lag behind because we just avoid things. She suggested I think of 3 things that are handy to say in small talk on hand, and then always direct the conversation at them because everyone likes to talk about themselves. I find that relieves the pressure off me to keep the conversation going especially when I feel no one has the same interests as me but I love to hear what others have to say and learn about them. But lots of times I dont care as well… How does that work eh? hahaha She suggests I use questions that start with what and how. Like “What are your plans for the holidays” so they are not dead end questions and I ca still engage them in conversation.

Example: I want to take my kids out skating, and its close to the holidays… My 3 things in case I run into someone “What are you up to for the holidays?” “What are some of your traditions?” “When did you learn to skate?” etc etc. and then when I feel its starting to get awkward I can use the skating as my escape “Well I should get back to my kids now” I thought the escape part was GENIOUS! I find thats why I have such an easy time at work to talk to people because work is my escape. If I start to get antsy “well I should get back to work. Was nice chatting”. Of course she told me not to give up and it does take practice. All the non-ADDers have had lots so its not as bad for them….

Im still baffled by the whole having “friends” im not ready for that commitment! That seems like too much work for me! hahaha

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[Anonymous]

Wow, fantastic tips, carrie. I have trouble with small talk too unless it’s shoptalk. The escape clause is really good. People always like to talk about themselves, that takes a lot of the pressure off you unless they are nonstop talkers or have nothing to say!

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[laddybug3]

I do better with social groups then just hanging out with one person. I had a friend tell the college consular that I don’t spend enough hanging outside of a structured setting. My response was I thought since I ate lunch, and we have been in the same clubs that I spend to much time with her.

Then there is this one group that supposed to hang out and talk. No, they play games. I hate games. Once I won a game and started to cry and then I lost a game started crying. There was this one game that had 10 rounds. 10 rounds that is like a lifetime of playing cards! I only made two rounds. They let me quit because my face was all red and they thought I was going to have a panic attack if they made me play another round. Then one game it seemed to randomly end.

They at least let me knit, because I would be bored. Worse they show up late. Normally I show up a half an hour early. I am usually half an hour early for everything.

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[kc5jck]

I tend to be the same way. I hate small talk. It seems so stupid. Carrie, your suggestions of what and how questions seem good, but it’s going to be one of those tasks that seem like a wall to ADHD people for me. I’ll probably see some old lady from church in the grocery store and ask, “well when did you learn to skate?” Then she will look at me like WTF????

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[Anonymous]

It’s worse when you can’t remember faces or names and people come up to you and start talking to you. Or someone you do know starts talking about something that they mentioned months ago which you forgot about since you were distracted by some other thought when they talked about it back then (sorry for the long sentence). So you start pretending that you remember, hoping they will fill in the gaps for you. It’s awfully embarassing to have to say “I don’t remember you telling me that, would you mind telling me again?”

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[Anonymous]

OMG yes and more yes. 30 years ago, I was working on Bay Street in Toronto, along comes a woman. Total stranger ?

She says > Hi, I’m pregnant. .. Stunned silence. Who is she? I’m pretty sure I dont, and havent ..but what?

I admitted total not knowing, and she said, oh, we worked together last year … oh dear, I couldnt remember her name at all.

Actually, that isnt as much of a bother as having no clue what to say to people i meet, so thanks for the suggestions.

Carrie give your coach a hug, some good ideas.

Night ..

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[caper]

@Tea: what you describe sounds a bit like Aspergers.

Although it’s targeted at guys picking up girls, the book “The Game” by Neil Strauss contains a lot of social psychology.

An oldie that still has lots of good suggestions: “How to Win Friends and Influence People”.

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[Anonymous]

Well my experience is getting along with folks is both fine and fun, and so is small talk…..I love the contact, I am, comfortable, I am ADD too?? I can while away the hours in a coffee shop with my buddies and, “talk of many thing…. of shoes…of ships…and sealing wax …..of cabbages and kings… and why the sea is boiling hot…. and whether pigs have wings”……(my apologies to Mr. L. Carroll).

So, I wonder if a large part not enjoying conversation or social occasions with others may…just may…. be somewhat to do with a shortfall of tools, or experience……remember, not everything comes natural to everybody, that includes conversation too……and certainly not all the time??

Examples:

Strap on downhill skis go up the the Expert mountain slope and get pushed off………there is a good chance it will be a poor experience…..yes, yes….. there are a few who would just fly…..naturally……but not many….certainly not me.

Strap on skates for the first time……..and have to go out and play hockey with an organized hockey team……hmmmm, same maybe?

But…….by and large, folks expect that they should be immediately comfortable and competent in social settings, and in the midst of an engaging conversation too, regardless off topic knowledge or whether or not they know or have a comfort level with the folks………what??? If your not comfortable being tossed in the deep end of the social pool……it’s gotta be ADD right??? Really???

Being comfortable in social settings……any social setting it has multi-elements to it. Self-image, self-esteem, past exposure to culture, politics, manners and grace, education (but not always), physical appearance (but not always), humor, the ability to manage comfortably, conversation, regardless of your knowledge of the topic, understanding the ebb and flow of conversation that makes others feel at ease too………jeeze I could go on and on. The point is, maybe, before we quickly throw yet another log on the ADD fire…….there is something(s) else that may we can attribute social/conversational angst to, other than ADD???? Maybe not????

I’m just sayin…..sometimes we appear quick to fall on the ADD sword…….too quick maybe???

Toofat

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[Carrie]

@toofat – I dont think the lack of “small talk ability” is an ADD trait, but rather the avoidance aspect of it. Just as you said, it takes practice and time… pair that with avoidance and here we are, feeling like we are on the outside looking in and just cant connect. I totally agree with your examples! Thats the biggest lesson im learning at the moment being a perfectionist. I am just learning, of course it will be hard and awkward at first.. realizing that has made a big difference and knowing I dont have to get it right the first time took a huge load off my shoulders. Toofat! You are AWESOME! I really look up to you!

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[Anonymous]

Hi Carrie….I agree….remember, it’s not just ADD folks who struggle with many many things in life, our struggle is just a little different than the Linear Majority. Ha yes….A perfectionist (I had to giggle)…aren’t we just, and incredibly hard on our self too….or at least we tend to be.

Which leads me to the next step…..(ready for this)… I believe once we get “IT”, whatever IT is…….WE ARE OFTEN GREAT AT IT……….because we do fall into the perfectionist category….more than our fair share……and we don’t (can’t) do things in a half ass manner….we just can’t…….we excel…..we are relentless damn it!!!! Even socially……or as mechanics…..or IT analysts…..or chemists, or musicians, or what have you…the list is huge. True, we have some unique obstacles, because of the way we view our world…take in, process and retrieve information……..but what the hell…….”into everybody’s life a little rain must fall”……yes????

So, stay with it Carrie……I don’t have to get it right the first time, nor every time……and when I find myself stumbling in the trying, I try be wonderfully generous with myself, and try to be mindful to give myself a big hug…….I’m worth it, and so are you…………….we all are!!!!

Toofat

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[Anonymous]

Hi carrie

Im not very good with superficial small talk. I do more big talk. Like oversharing. Ranting monologues to people who never really even asked. Or life moving philosophy to someone i barely know. Dont have a lot of patience for small talk unless i am actually interested in the information being shared. I used to have some really crippling social anxiety, but im getting better the older and more confident i get. Shy moments are so awkward as i worry so much that people eill think im being aloof or uninterested!

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[billd]

Tea, that’s me. I had it explained to me a few weeks ago – it’s part of ADD in many ways, at least SOME forms of it, so yes, it can be due to ADD, but for those who don’t have that particular bit of ADD, it can be the result of “being different” as a child, the social outcast, etc.

In those cases, coaching, therapy, practice, etc. it might be you can get past it – or if not, at least improve.

Me, I was told by the neuro-psych that it’s attached to my ADD, I won’t be able to whip it, I can try, do better, make attempts, but it was explained it’s just how I’m going to be.

So after hearing that, should I stop trying?

Uh, no and in fact, I’m actually facing an internal fight with myself – and I think I’m winning at least a battle – I’m setting myself up for a big trip across the states to a huge gathering of car nuts. Most of these folks I will not know at all, a few I’ll know from online posts – our car forum, and a couple I will have actually met, but that’s it.

It’s a small, or maybe a big victory for me!

My youngest son who has ADD pretty bad is the opposite. He’s outgoing, tries new things, very social, he’s an expert at meeting folks, fitting in, etc. He’ll jump right into a conversation and has no trouble with small talk. So not all ADD’ers have the issue – it’s part of my ADD, but not part of his.

OTOH, no, you do NOT want to meet him, and if you do, be careful if he starts talking about business deals, needing money, etc.

So in the end, it was explained to me by the folks who know ADD as well as almost anyone I guess, is that it can be part of the type of ADD you have, (like in my case) or it can simply be a personality trait (*I know a number of NON-ADD folks who are that way) and I know ADD folks with that other flavor who are people people, and very charismatic and friendly and fun.

100 years ago, the folks with social anxiety were called the wall-flowers…….

Good post, Carrie – some great tips to remember! Ask questions that they can’t give a simple yes or no to, to avoid the silence after the 2 second answer. Get THEM talking…….

You also echo’d some of my feelings due to my own ADD issues…….

Not always caused by ADD, but can be a side effect of ADD, so worth the attempt. I’m going for it… we’ll see what happens. The simple course and what part of me is saying is “stay home, avoid the possibilities”. Hmmm. but what if some of those possibilities end up positive?

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[sdwa]

Definitely not just you. I’ve felt like an outsider & freak all of my life. It’s difficult to relate to people or the things that seem to interest them, particularly in group situations, such as at social functions where the goal is to make nice and meaningless conversation. If I don’t hear something that evokes an emotional response, I am generally not invested in what’s happening. That’s a real brain-functioning thing, encountering stimulation powerful enough that to wake me up. I don’t like noise, commotion, crowds, activity – it’s just too much for me. I’ve also developed the skill of looking like I’m following what people say even though I am often tuned out. And I hate running into people I don’t remember but who seem to remember me.

As for what TooFat says, I think a lot of ADHD-related problems may not be about ADHD, but still originate with ADHD, and can build up in layer after convoluted layer of hang-ups, anxieties, defenses, etc. And that addressing the underlying ADHD stuff and how it manifests can help with the other stuff.

Suggestions?

It’s probably a good idea to listen to what someone has said and mirror your understanding of what they said back to them.

Even if you hate it, it’s probably worth memorizing the Miss Manners list of standard acceptable responses to social situations, so you don’t have to think about it. Even if the response is somewhat colorless, no one can say it’s wrong.

For me, the big hurdle has been in coming to a place of self-acceptance, so that even if others think I’m weird, I don’t experience it as so much of problem that I’m devastated, because I have a solid place to retreat to where I do what I love and get into a state of flow. A lot of the ideas that work for non-ADHD people have the opposite effect on me. Like trying to build on areas of weakness, trying to correct mistakes, trying to push beyond the comfort zone – instead of focusing on strengths, successes, and learning how to sustain the comfort zone. Being with and inside of my areas of strength makes me feel more real to myself, and when I feel like I’m more in touch with who I am, more comfortable with who I am, what other people think doesn’t matter as much.

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[Anonymous]

Yes…..to that SDWA!!! I do believe many of our social anomalies stem from a lifetime of judgement and sanction by the “Linear World”. That doesn’t make the issues for some any less real, or painful for that matter……it’s just awareness of the source….the why if you will…… may reduce further descent for some.

Getting comfortable with the difference, managing strengths as you said, learning how to best accommodate who we are in light of what we need may prove beneficial, particularly if one is experiencing angst over it all . Don’t misread my intent “screw em”, is my mantra, I’m an A type person I know that, an independent man if you will, but,……. I recognize, I do need to get what I need, therefore………I also do what I have to accommodate those needs, and I do it unashamed, and guilt free………..no regrets. It’s not always the easy road…..but I find the lifetime payoff is often worth the struggle…..

That old cost benefit thing……..

Toofat

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[Author]

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