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Re: Girls

Re: Girls2011-03-12T15:57:10+00:00
#101895

Anonymous
Inactive
Post count: 14413

I didn’t realize I had ADHD until late last year. I was diagnosed as mild bi-polar (aren’t we all?)… <grin> BUT – ADHD has some repurcussions on our relationships. I didn’t really date during High School. I had a couple close guy friends but never really felt like I was close to them, and most of them fell away. During High School I had one really close friend. A woman. We spent so much time together that others thought we were not just dating, but a “couple”. I felt I had a soul mate and was OK with the friend status. I knew I could talk and relate to a woman way better than a man. I simply felt more comfortable – some of you said this same thing, eh? But, Oh no — I fell in love with her hard… Oh — but never told her and she always believed we were just friends, and very good friends. My hyper focus on our friendship was amazing. As soon as I made the move and kissed her — we both laughed and said, “just like kissing my brother/sister”! Ooops, yack – spit, shrug — let’s get drunk. Weeks later, she started dating a guy who she later married and our friendship sort of faded away, he was very jealous and I felt I intruded and was hurt.

After that I focused on another woman – who became my fiance’ – and we broke up after 1 1/2 years. After that I went down hard, but tried to acquire girl friends in the same 200% on or 200% off manner. I would meet’em, and hyper focus on them, and drive them frackin crazy with my “be with you all the time” hyper focus. Then the arguments and resentment would begin which really confused them… It’s the ADHD way.

I need to realize that having ADHD means I have a problem being consistent in relationships. Sure the falling in love phase is intense and suits me just fine. But it’s like falling. A short fall onto soft objects won’t kill me, or my relationship, but a longer fall onto an unyielding surface will destroy me and anyone I am grasping onto.

Who said, “If you love something let it go, if it really loves you it will be back”! My soul mate was my good friend for almost 2 years before we became engaged to be married. Before that happened I had to “let her go”, and not figuratively. In her words my hyper-focuse (didn’t know this at the time) and intense love for her scared her away. She moved to another town. I really went down hard, I stayed at home for a few weeks, cried every day, depressed and frozen in time and space for 2-3 months. But soon, I realized that I had to love myself and get right in my own skin, and was able to with the help of friends. I didn’t stop having girlfriends but none of them were soul mate material and I hurt some women needlessly over the next 3-4 months. Then a call, she was coming home. When my soul mate returned, she returned because she discovered she really did love me, and we started dating. She really flew back into my arms and we were married one year later.

We will have been married 28 years in May. But because of my decade or two of untreated ADHD and one other medical condition, our marriage may be on the rocks. She is moving out on Tuesday in a move that by her words is “temporary”. I know her better than she wants to admit, therefore I am really scared and …. shhhhh (stop the brain); massive ADHD symptoms right now… BUT — Please a moment… I don’t want to give anyone who is looking for thier soul-mate a give up syndrome – DO NOT BECAUE YOU MAY JUST FIND HER. I FOUND MINE, I still hope she will come back a second time – but I am here to tell you that because of untreated ADHD and another medical condition – the damage may be unrecoverable.

Please _puh-leeeese_ hear me when I tell you work on yourself first, practice best methods for managing your ADHD with all the tips and tricks you can muster; whether medication, support groups (like this one), counseling, and most of all a schedule of consistency with all these things. If you KNOW your are ADHD – YOU HAVE A HUGE ADVANTAGE over ME. You have to discuss it with your “target” <grin> early on. Don’t be afraid to lose her, you really don’t *have* a soul mate yet, not really. If that is what you are looking for, work for it again, consistently. Look in her for an understanding of ADHD, not a “well everyone is like that”, or “you just get hyper once in a while”. She needs to know what ADHD is, and that it is not a temporary condition but a life long journey. AND… and, she also needs to know all the wonderful things it can imbibe you with when treated and acknowledged! We are creative, loving, hard working, forgiving, able to change, hopeful, spontaneous and much more.

Your soul-mate won’t fly away if her love for you is real, and you don’t choke her with your grasp. I wish you ALL the best, and say a prayer for my condition as I need it.

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