March 11, 2011 at 6:09 pm #89281
AnonymousInactiveMarch 11, 2011 at 6:09 pmPost count: 14413
I have really trouble finding a girl fit for me. And when I do, I get obsessed, thinking it is the girl of my dreams and that it will last forever… 2 mounths later I start getting really REALLY sick of her, and we breack up. It’s like I can’t have something that lasts long. I start noticing so many details, that get into my head and reject this girl really fast. Doesn’t this happends to you guys??REPORT ABUSEMarch 11, 2011 at 7:21 pm #101887
AnonymousInactiveMarch 11, 2011 at 7:21 pmPost count: 14413
I’m not a guy, but it has happened to me in the past. I’ve had two types of relationships: one-sided abusive ones and ones like you mention. This poor guy was really nice to me and treated me well, but after a while, it just started feeling a little suffocating. And, like you, I started nit-picking until I got to the point that I didn’t want to be around him any more. And I ended up hurting him.
I guess that’s a part of the reason I have tended to be attracted to men who are jerks; because I know I won’t hurt them. I know that’s totally messed up because it seems that I would rather hurt myself than someone who doesn’t deserve it.
This is actually why I’m happily single and independent. The only male bossing me around these days is my cat (and man, can he be annoying!).
What you wrote makes me think of what happened when I went snow skiing my one and only time. I was not very good to begin with, but whenever I would start moving forward and doing it right, I made myself fall down. I preferred having a little control over my fall than to be out of control and slamming into trees or other people.
I think that might be a great analogy for my love life.REPORT ABUSEMarch 11, 2011 at 8:54 pm #101888
AnonymousInactiveMarch 11, 2011 at 8:54 pmPost count: 14413
Maan, we do are all very alike. What you said could be me talking.REPORT ABUSEMarch 11, 2011 at 9:15 pm #101889
Shadow NexusMemberMarch 11, 2011 at 9:15 pmPost count: 181
I’m been searching all my life for the my match. I kept finding no chemistry, got bored, and moved on. Recently, I thought about what was turning me off and what I wanted in a woman. I wrote it all down, what I wanted physically and mentally. I found none of the women that I met even came close to that list. I’d been settling for the first who I decent chat with. Society expects you to settle and there lies the problem. Remember that the romantic love rush wears off quickly, blinding you to the real person until then.
Make a list, examine it and see what you take out. Get it down to core what you want physically and mentally. Then find every place you can to meet women and chat and let it go from there. DON’T settle.
Also, female friends can be very useful for finding the person your looking for and fun. There are things you talk to women about that you can’t talk to other men about. Just don’t let them use you for an emotional dumping ground. That’s the boyfriends job. Make sure there is no sexual attraction going either way. State clearly you want just friends forever.REPORT ABUSEMarch 11, 2011 at 9:15 pm #101890
AnonymousInactiveMarch 11, 2011 at 9:15 pmPost count: 14413
If this bothers you and you do want a meaningful, long-term relationship then it might be wise to go to a professional relationship counsellor to discuss it. I don’t think many people here have expertise to advise on relationship issues that are rooted in psychology.REPORT ABUSEMarch 11, 2011 at 10:42 pm #101891
AnonymousInactiveMarch 11, 2011 at 10:42 pmPost count: 14413
pmfcg……. hmmm…the relationship “go round”. Funny how many people are on it. Funny I always thought that first I had to be good with me…. all sorted out, comfy in my own skin. What I’m trying to say ( and fumbling it badly) ….I had to intimately know my heart and what was right for me in my life and be well on that path in my life.
Once I was living aware and fully alive on the path then I could be a partner to and with another……until that time what I brought to the table for another was of dubious quality. If I wasn’t capable of fully embracing myself in a loving insiteful manner how could I expect another to????
toofatREPORT ABUSEMarch 12, 2011 at 8:48 am #101892
AnonymousInactiveMarch 12, 2011 at 8:48 amPost count: 14413
My Advice is Don’t date another ADHDer! Its usually a recipe for piss each other off!!! haha!
Date a chick who you think is Hot! but make sure she’s balanced! for Example if she’s not replying to your texts immediately its not cause she’s weird! its because she’s not unbalanced sitting in front of her Facebook for you to reply!
If she is… chances are she’s kind of ADD too, and that aint what you want!! so just be patient! Try to fight Insecurity! and eventually if you get to know her good enough you’ll understand her balanced yet, Still fun loving mind!
Just test your mood when your with her and make sure you feel comfortable around her! cause if not and you feel like your trying too hard to be balanced yourself.. (you never want to let fear govern your relationship) Then chances are she’s not the girl for you! Remember!!! Most of the time Balanced people really need our gifts in their life kind of like an equalizer!
So Just be yourself!REPORT ABUSEMarch 12, 2011 at 12:15 pm #101893
AnonymousInactiveMarch 12, 2011 at 12:15 pmPost count: 14413
Mattnwest, you’re the best!REPORT ABUSEMarch 12, 2011 at 1:45 pm #101894
AnonymousInactiveMarch 12, 2011 at 1:45 pmPost count: 14413
pmfcg, hey how are things going? better maybe? I’m a late long winded poster so here ya go. I’ll try to keep it short.
I tend to do the same thing if i’m not really into the girl. If its a situation where a girl hits on me and it works out then I usually am in the same boat as you. I find every little thing starts to anoy me. One thing you have to remember if they do or do not have ADHD is if they understand your ADHD. The last time I was in a relationship that was initiated by the girl I didnt know I had ADHD. I would hyper focus on things that interested me like my art, or i’d play a video game for hours and hours and hours on end, neglecting everything. So that would start problems, and there would be resentment from the girl and then from me. As soon as that started i’d start to nit pick and i’d find faults.
Now i’m also a wreck about girls. I suck at dating, I have no confidence in myself and i think everything is going to end in disaster. I talk a good game and I try to be optomistic but in reality it all blows up in my face.
The current girl that i’m with is what I would consider to be a perfect match although our track record would tell you otherwise. She’s hurt me time after time over the course ot the last year and continues to break my hear on an hourly rate. I would love nothing more than to have her be my support (because behind every great man is a greater woman) (not that women should be behind men)
I obviously love her, which on that note, some scientist agree that love is a form of OCD how cool huh? maybe thats why ADDers have a hard time with finding love, I think we tend to obsess over the ones we love.
If your in a relationship (and I need to take my own advice) and the person your with doesnt make you feel special in any way, or if you dont feel like a better person when you are around them, if you can think about them and a smile doesnt come across your face you may not be right for each other. Even though i’m in such a bad relationship and this person in my life hurts me so much, I cant help but to smile every day when I see her, grimiss at the thought of her durring my day, wake up and tell her good morning even if she’s not next to me. Thats what I think it is for me when I know i’m in the right place in my heart. I cant control the other person and if they dont like me or whatever then thats that.
Sorry if it is cryptic, or if I rambled, or whatever. stupid rambling.REPORT ABUSEMarch 12, 2011 at 3:57 pm #101895
AnonymousInactiveMarch 12, 2011 at 3:57 pmPost count: 14413
I didn’t realize I had ADHD until late last year. I was diagnosed as mild bi-polar (aren’t we all?)… <grin> BUT – ADHD has some repurcussions on our relationships. I didn’t really date during High School. I had a couple close guy friends but never really felt like I was close to them, and most of them fell away. During High School I had one really close friend. A woman. We spent so much time together that others thought we were not just dating, but a “couple”. I felt I had a soul mate and was OK with the friend status. I knew I could talk and relate to a woman way better than a man. I simply felt more comfortable – some of you said this same thing, eh? But, Oh no — I fell in love with her hard… Oh — but never told her and she always believed we were just friends, and very good friends. My hyper focus on our friendship was amazing. As soon as I made the move and kissed her — we both laughed and said, “just like kissing my brother/sister”! Ooops, yack – spit, shrug — let’s get drunk. Weeks later, she started dating a guy who she later married and our friendship sort of faded away, he was very jealous and I felt I intruded and was hurt.
After that I focused on another woman – who became my fiance’ – and we broke up after 1 1/2 years. After that I went down hard, but tried to acquire girl friends in the same 200% on or 200% off manner. I would meet’em, and hyper focus on them, and drive them frackin crazy with my “be with you all the time” hyper focus. Then the arguments and resentment would begin which really confused them… It’s the ADHD way.
I need to realize that having ADHD means I have a problem being consistent in relationships. Sure the falling in love phase is intense and suits me just fine. But it’s like falling. A short fall onto soft objects won’t kill me, or my relationship, but a longer fall onto an unyielding surface will destroy me and anyone I am grasping onto.
Who said, “If you love something let it go, if it really loves you it will be back”! My soul mate was my good friend for almost 2 years before we became engaged to be married. Before that happened I had to “let her go”, and not figuratively. In her words my hyper-focuse (didn’t know this at the time) and intense love for her scared her away. She moved to another town. I really went down hard, I stayed at home for a few weeks, cried every day, depressed and frozen in time and space for 2-3 months. But soon, I realized that I had to love myself and get right in my own skin, and was able to with the help of friends. I didn’t stop having girlfriends but none of them were soul mate material and I hurt some women needlessly over the next 3-4 months. Then a call, she was coming home. When my soul mate returned, she returned because she discovered she really did love me, and we started dating. She really flew back into my arms and we were married one year later.
We will have been married 28 years in May. But because of my decade or two of untreated ADHD and one other medical condition, our marriage may be on the rocks. She is moving out on Tuesday in a move that by her words is “temporary”. I know her better than she wants to admit, therefore I am really scared and …. shhhhh (stop the brain); massive ADHD symptoms right now… BUT — Please a moment… I don’t want to give anyone who is looking for thier soul-mate a give up syndrome – DO NOT BECAUE YOU MAY JUST FIND HER. I FOUND MINE, I still hope she will come back a second time – but I am here to tell you that because of untreated ADHD and another medical condition – the damage may be unrecoverable.
Please _puh-leeeese_ hear me when I tell you work on yourself first, practice best methods for managing your ADHD with all the tips and tricks you can muster; whether medication, support groups (like this one), counseling, and most of all a schedule of consistency with all these things. If you KNOW your are ADHD – YOU HAVE A HUGE ADVANTAGE over ME. You have to discuss it with your “target” <grin> early on. Don’t be afraid to lose her, you really don’t *have* a soul mate yet, not really. If that is what you are looking for, work for it again, consistently. Look in her for an understanding of ADHD, not a “well everyone is like that”, or “you just get hyper once in a while”. She needs to know what ADHD is, and that it is not a temporary condition but a life long journey. AND… and, she also needs to know all the wonderful things it can imbibe you with when treated and acknowledged! We are creative, loving, hard working, forgiving, able to change, hopeful, spontaneous and much more.
Your soul-mate won’t fly away if her love for you is real, and you don’t choke her with your grasp. I wish you ALL the best, and say a prayer for my condition as I need it.REPORT ABUSEMarch 12, 2011 at 4:23 pm #101896
AnonymousInactiveMarch 12, 2011 at 4:23 pmPost count: 14413
MT9er werd, i’m glad i’m not the only one with the “friend problem” or as I like to call mine, my frendlationshipREPORT ABUSEMarch 12, 2011 at 9:53 pm #101897
Shadow NexusMemberMarch 12, 2011 at 9:53 pmPost count: 181
>If this bothers you and you do want a meaningful, long-term relationship then it might be wise to go to a professional relationship counselor to discuss it. I don’t think many people here have expertise to advise on relationship issues that are rooted in psychology.
I disagree. Learning things in books is no substitute for real world experience. Those people are using there book learning and experience to help. However, you need to learn from the experiences of many others(wisdom). The more real world experiences you know about, the better you’ll be able to manage your relationships.REPORT ABUSEMarch 13, 2011 at 3:34 pm #101898
AnonymousInactiveMarch 13, 2011 at 3:34 pmPost count: 14413
@Filmbuff1984 — I’m on board with that. I’ve been in lots of counseling for many things (oh – fer fun 😥 ). When in counseling, for myself; I’ve found the best results are when I can relate to the person helping me. Consistently that has been when that person comes back with an example and knowledge that they too have been through something similar. Now – not to say that if you are in counseling for beating your wife, that this person should be saying to you, “well, when I stopped beating my wife I found that…”. In all seriousness, when I can relate to the counselor in some way, I get the help I need. So, when I PAY someone to help me in this way, I want or desire a prerequisite of book learning or some professional “proof” of purchase — AND real world wisdom. Sometimes that comes in the form of years of service in the individual giving them I hope some real world experience concerning the problem at hand. Wisdom comes in many forms I guess.REPORT ABUSEMarch 13, 2011 at 3:42 pm #101899
AnonymousInactiveMarch 13, 2011 at 3:42 pmPost count: 14413
@Kylep — thanks for replying about the friendlationship problem! You coined a legacy phrase there I think . A great classic rock song by a band named “.38 Special” was a great anthem about this problem (look it up on youtube). “If you cliing too tightly, you’re gonna loose control”. Most girls will want some room to breathe, to feel independant, to be allowed to love you back and not feel smothered. In my younger dating years, I never got that when a potential soul mate 😉 would tell me that I was a great guy BUT she just wants to be “friends”. I called the “friend talk of death”. Yup, happened enough that I’d call it “being friend-dead”. 🙄
Yet – I ramble …. Oh look, a bird at the window…REPORT ABUSEMarch 15, 2011 at 11:29 am #101900
AnonymousInactiveMarch 15, 2011 at 11:29 amPost count: 14413
Yeah I agree, to hear the friend talk is…………. It just makes me remember a kristofferson lyric “Never is the echo of forever”REPORT ABUSE
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